I knew I should have written earlier today. I went out tonight, and now it’s the 11th hour and I’d really like to go to sleep but I have to give you people something.

No, this won’t be about my night out, although it was lovely and fun but I have to save something for those days when I have nothing to blog about. No, this is about a $44 bag of pasta.

Clara Jane and I went to Target today, and while I was buying some grocery items for us, I remembered that next week is the annual Boy Scout Food Drive. I heard a thing on the news last night that in the St. Louis area, food pantry donations are down 10% from last year, and demand is up 20%. It’s probably not much different elsewhere. I tend to go overboard every year during the food drive. This year, I intend to really go nuts.

I’m all about the clearance endcaps when I go to Target. If stuff with a red price tag is good enough for my family, it’s good enough to donate, right? Especially when there’s a mother lode of marked-down pasta. I tossed bags of rotini into the cart when Clara Jane said, “Can we get that bag of flat noodles?” I’m thinking lasagna, which we have five pounds of in the cabinet (it was on clearance two weeks ago). We don’t need lasagna. Not even a little.

She’d spotted a bag of penne – flat compared to the curly rotini – and that’s what she wanted. Fine. I’m planning to make mac and cheese for Thanksgiving and I generally use penne for it, so I tossed it into the cart, too.

I bought a lot today. Some grocery items for us. Lots of stuff for the food drive. A cute swingy black cardigan that finally went on clearance. A pair of the faux-Spanx tights. They’re called Assets, which is a cute play on words, but it would have been even better if they called them Ass-ettes. Because they make your ass look smaller. Get it? Anyway, I was preoccupied with a whiny, albeit much better-behaved than she has been, child and I didn’t pay much attention to my items as they were scanned. Nor did I blink when the total was higher than usual. Like I said, it was a full cart.

From Target we went to lunch. I finished while Clara Jane dawdled over her turkey and cheese. Because I can’t take five minutes to sit quietly, I took my Target receipt out of my purse and started reading it.

Hm. Interesting. I don’t remember buying something that cost $44.95. Let’s look at the item line. Pasta? I spent $44.95 on pasta?

Well then. They’d better be sending extra Boy Scouts to my house next week because it’s going to take some muscle to load my 45 pounds of noodles.

For $45/pound, I want each noodle personally fed to me by Anthony Bourdain. Or perhaps licked by him.

Six or seven years ago, when I first started catering, I went to Straub’s and just about fell over when I saw smoked shrimp for $45/pound in their deli. I bought two – $5 – just so I could taste them and figure out how to make my own. I did, and while I never had the balls to charge $45/pound for them, I did make back my initial investment a few times over.

If I’m not willing to pay $45/pound for smoked shrimp (which might possibly be the best food ever), no way am I buying my child a $45/pound bag of penne.

Once I got home and unloaded the bags, I figured it out, because I am super-smart. The penne had a different clearance price tag with a bar code and a price of 66 cents. The bar code for the $44.95 pud of pasta? Same as the sticker.

Well, that was anticlimactic, wasn’t it? I returned the pasta to the store, had a laugh with the customer service clerks, and went to The Royale with a bunch of people whose blog addresses I need to amass. I think I owe you a shuffle for that.

  1. Brick House – Commadores
  2. The Cool, Cool River – Paul Simon
  3. Hotel Arizona – Wilco
  4. Uncloudy Day – Willie Nelson
  5. All the Gold in California – Larry Gatlin & the Gatlin Brothers (please, kill me for this)
  6. You Never Can Tell – Chuck Berry
  7. Crossed Out Name – Ryan Adams & the Cardinals
  8. Liar – The Sex Pistols
  9. A Date With Jerry – Wanda Jackson
  10. Daddy’s Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car – U2

My pals Maggie and Kristina are both going to love this shuffle. And not just because they get to make fun of me for number five. I’ve seen three of those bands live with Kristina.  I think this means we need to save our pasta money and find a Larry Gatlin show.