I don’t write nearly enough about my dogs, do I? There’s not much to write. They sleep 23 hours a day, spend an hour eat/pursuing things to eat, and the last hour is reserved for annoying the shit out of as many people as possible.

Today, they had a banner day in that last two regards. Yesterday was pretty damn good, too.

My dogs, Chloe and Murphy, while being well-fed, warm, and ensconced in a variety of blankets and beds, spend their two waking hours behaving like desperate refugees with bad manners. Case in point: Clara Jane’s painted rigatoni necklace, which met a terrible demise yesterday.

Let’s back up for a moment. A few days after we adopted Chloe the Basset nearly a decade ago, I dropped a piece of uncooked pasta in our kitchen. Worst mistake of my life. Chloe loves uncooked pasta almost as much as she loves frozen cranberries. Sort of the same way I love Americanos and tallboys of Stag Beer. I swear to God, every single day for the remaining eight years we lived in that house, Chloe would check the spot where she found the noodles because, there was a crunchy noodle there once and it could happen again, you don’t know! 

When we moved, Chloe no longer had a geographical marker for possible pasta drops, and she stopped scrounging. I forgot about her pasta lust, which is why it didn’t register in my brain when Clara Jane left her painted raw rigatoni necklace on the coffee table.

From the few tiny shreds I found on the floor and the green and blue paint on Chloe’s teeth, I’d say she thought it was delicious. She’s going to live on the coffee table now.

Oh! But it gets better! Clara Jane’s a nudist. I can’t keep this kid in clothes. This morning, I turned my back to make a grocery list. She used my distraction to strew pink flannel sock monkey pajamas and a damp Pull-Up across the rumpus room floor.

Problem is, in my cold-addled brain, I didn’t see the Pull-Up. Therefore, it didn’t exist.

I found it when we got home from the store. What was left of it, anyway. I sure hope Pull-Ups aren’t filled with that “do not eat” shit they put in shoe boxes and purses. I’m not really worried. Not like it’s the first Pull-Up that’s been eaten in this house.

And because Pull-Ups, pasta necklaces, two square meals a day, and whatever Clara Jane sneaks to them isn’t enough, today the wild beast tried to eat a sparrow. A live one.

Ever see an 11-year-old basset hound attempt to pounce on a ground bird? Apparently, this bird had never seen such a thing, either. I don’t like birds, but I felt sorry for this one. He landed on a window ledge, eye-level to me, and sat there for a long time with me about a foot away. If birds have facial expressions – and I think they do, but they keep them locked in the “evil and menacing” position most of the time – this bird’s face clearly said “What the FUCK?!?!” It eventually flew to the roof, but that didn’t keep Murphy from trying to climb the side of our brick house for an hour. I went inside, but could see her through the window, sure she could climb a vertical surface.

Speaking of geniuses, have you downloaded the version of iTunes with the Genius function? Best invention ever! You select a song, and iTunes pulls up 25, 50, or 75 songs in your library that it thinks go with the song you picked. So that’s how I’ll be doing the shuffle from now on, or until I get bored of just getting songs I like. I’m sure it won’t take long for me to miss the, “Why in the hell do I have that on my hard drive? Slim Whitman? For real? What was I drinking that night?”

The song I picked, based solely on the song I most wanted to hear at that moment: Forget the Flowers by Wilco (who I’ll be seeing three weeks from tonight, with Neil Young!). The Genius results:

1. Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart Tonight – Whiskeytown
2. Chin Up, Cheer Up – Ryan Adams
3. Carl Perkins’ Cadillac – Drive-By Truckers
4. Sweet Illusions – Ryan Adams
5. A Kiss Before I Go – Ryan Adams & the Cardinals
6. Screen Door – Uncle Tupelo (My favorite song about Prettytown.)
7. Blame it on the Tetons – Modest Mouse
8. Indianapolis – Bottle Rockets
9. Jacksonville – Sufjan Stevens
10. Someday Soon – Wilco (I always forget about this song.)
11. My Wandering Days are Over – Belle & Sebastian
12. In My Hour of Darkness – Gram Parsons
13. Moonshiner – Uncle Tupelo
14. Clementine – The Decemberists
15. Afraid Not Scared – Ryan Adams
16. Sin City – The Flying Burrito Brothers
17. Burn Rubber – Bright Eyes
18. When You Wake Up Feeling Old – Wilco
19. Dancing with the Women at the Bar – Whiskeytown
20. Achin’ to Be – The Replacements
21. Whiskey Bottle – Uncle Tupelo
22. Hotel Arizona – Wilco (Hi Kristina!)
23. Dear Chicago – Ryan Adams
24. Golden – My Morning Jacket

I’m officially in love with the Genius and want to make out with him because I’m pretty sure the Genius is really Ryan Adams, living inside my computer.