February 19, 2005
A Letter to My Other Neighbor
Dear Lady Who Lives Across the Street From Me:
You're a good neighbor. You always wave when you see us outside. You're quiet. You don't imagine that you're hearing my dogs in the middle of the night. There was that one unfortunate incident when, frustrated that another neighbor's guest had parked in front of your house, you sat in your car behind the offending car at midnight with a brick on your horn like a crazy devil-woman. I'd like to think that was an isolated incident. Besides, it was three years ago and you've behaved since then.
What I have to say I'm saying because I do like you, Lady Who Lives Across the Street From Me. I say it out of love.
Lady Who Lives Across the Street From Me, it's February 19th. And I know the recent holidays bring lots of excitement, what with all the Valentine's Day candy and the celebrating of the dead presidents and such. Anymore it seems that all holidays run together. Lights aren't just for Christmas anymore. You can buy red and pink ones for Valentine's Day. Green ones for St. Pat's, gold purple and green for Mardi Gras, red white and blue for Independence Day, black and orange for Halloween ... you see where I'm going with this. It's overkill, really.
I come from rather country stock, Lady Who Lives Across the Street From Me. Am I excited that tomorrow is my favorite sporting event of the year, the Daytona 500? Hell, yeah! Don't tell anyone this, but I agree with Gretchen Wilson and can see how leaving your Christmas lights up all year isn't necessarily a bad idea. It saves a lot of labor. You don't have to remember which neighbor borrowed your ladder. In the dark of the night, who can tell that they're still there?
However, we need to have a talk about this photo I took of your house this evening:
There's no such thing as a President's Day Tree, Lady Who Lives Across the Street From Me. It's time to take the tree down. Set it free. At least turn off the lights and let it die a quiet, darkened death without the prying eyes of the neighbors and their nosey digital cameras.
And while you're at it, you know the fake snow grafitti that's said "Merry X-Mas" on your windows since late October? It's no longer charming. Did you accidentally use white spray paint instead of fake snow? That's nothing to be ashamed of. Well, actually, it is, but we all make mistakes, right?
I hope you'll take my advice as it was intended - with love and concern. Please do not take offense. And if you do take offense, please do not retaliate by decking my halls in the middle of this February night.
Seasons Greetings,
The Scrooge Who Lives Across the Street From You
i can't believe your neighbor still has the TREE up! that's too funny. :)
Posted by: kara at February 19, 2005 07:49 PMGo fight her! And make sure B. comes home with no shirt on and a bruise on his forehead.
I just want you to make in COPS, too. That's all.
Posted by: Wendy at February 19, 2005 08:00 PMOk.
*THAT* was fucking funny.
So, does anyone notice, besides me, that her house looks like a trailer held up by a tiny lattice-walled porch?
I mean, in the picture, anyway. But I think I may just be hypnotized by the blob of lights.
Posted by: mrs at February 19, 2005 10:45 PMOk, here's comedy: Samboni had a birthday party to attend today. Please arrive at the bowling alley by 12:30 so you can pick out a ball and get your shoes.
The host mother and birthday girl didn't arrive until 1:45. The reason: "I'm taking this dietary supplement and it makes me so tired I just couldn't get out of bed."
Not as good as your Christmas light lady, yet funny anyway.
Posted by: m at February 19, 2005 10:53 PMBut is it OK if it's decorated with NASCAR ornaments?
Posted by: Sibeal at February 19, 2005 11:46 PMMrs, this is actually one of the nicer houses on my block. :)
Posted by: Poppy at February 19, 2005 11:52 PMAnd M, what in the hell dietary supplement is she taking? Quaaludes?
Sibeal, this neighbor is unlikely to have Nascar-related decorations. The house next door, which has a Confederate flag as a window treatment, surprisingly enough, doesn't decorate with Nascar paraphenalia, either. The only Nascar fan swag on the block belongs to the one household that has a member with a masters degree. I'll give you three guesses whose house that might be.
Posted by: Poppy at February 20, 2005 12:00 AM"There's no such thing as a President's Day Tree..."
Apparently there are different schools of thought on that.
Posted by: stgermh at February 20, 2005 08:31 AMWow...
Posted by: Jessie at February 20, 2005 02:02 PMAnd are we absolutely sure that she's ok in there?....
Posted by: pharmgirl at February 20, 2005 02:17 PMI left my tree up until March one year (let's just say that depression entered into the equation and leave it at that) but at least didn't turn the lights on!!!
Posted by: Kathy at February 20, 2005 04:54 PMThere's a poem by Shel Silverstein in Where The Sidewalk Ends called Merry. The last line is "and no one loves a Christmas tree on March the 25th."
We used to read this every year to my aunt just to make sure she took her tree down before March 25, and it didn't always work!
Posted by: Jenny at February 20, 2005 05:33 PMPoppy,
Actually, I think it would be kind of cool to have a trailer that balances on a tiny lattice-wood covered porch. It would certainly beat having a rolled-up tarp for a garage "door".
Posted by: mrs at February 20, 2005 05:44 PMNow that is freaking hysterical. Let me know if that shovel is still out in June!!
Posted by: bari at February 20, 2005 06:23 PMThere was one year, okay, it was last year, that we left the christmas lights on the bushes until May. But they are clear (white) and you can't see them unless you get right up to the bushes, so it was no big thang. Still, I felt really ghetto leaving them up that long, and ultimately took them down under the cover and shame of nighttime wearing my black ninja gear.
Posted by: CatPants at February 21, 2005 08:33 AMMaybe she is waiting for someone to come home from Iraq. I have my tree still up until my brother comes home.
Nope, no soldiers. All of her immediate family has been seen and accounted recently. I hope your brother gets home soon, Ohiomommy. Best of luck to him.
In a strange twist, Lady Who Lives Across the Street has changed the pattern of her lights. Sunday, the tree and blob weren't lit. Last night, she had lights on her porch. Tonight, nothing. However, my next-door neighbors suddenly decided to fire up their multi-colored lights once again tonight.
Posted by: Poppy at February 22, 2005 09:47 PM