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My Basset hound Chloe has a yeast infection in her ear. Now, I know it's highly unlikely that someone at Wal-Mart is going to approach me, look in my cart and say, "Hey! You've got the cooch-rot!", requiring me to explain that no, I don't have the cooch-rot; my dog has the cooch-rot in her ears, which would lead to a discussion on how she got the cooch-rot in her ear. She got it because she's a Basset hound and they tend to get the cooch-rot in their ears, but try explaining that to some goon at Wal-Mart on a Saturday night who's probably thinking that I'm doing horrible, horrible things with those big floppy ears that have caused the cooch-rot.

While I was browsing with a box of hair dye hiding the cooch-rot ointment, I saw something that would be even more embarrassing to purchase. It was on prominent display in the middle of the aisle, an entire shelf of bullet-shaped pastel containers. A new shower gel, perhaps? Maybe lotion? I looked closer.

It was cooch skin conditioner!

The above link is to drugstore.com, where they prominently display the question, "Why shop at drugstore.com?" I think the answer is obvious: Because I don't want the people at Wal-Mart to know that the skin on my cooch is totally unconditioned with rough patches similar to the ones on my elbows.

I'll just end this nightmarish cooch-related post with one last horrifying item for purchase. I talked to my mom tonight. She and my father are staying on the 19th floor of a hotel in downtown Denver with a lovely view of the state capitol building. During their drive to Denver from Alamosa, they stopped at several rummage sales. At one particular sale, they found a "Personal Douche and Enema Kit".

"Once it's been in the rummage sale, it ain't personal anymore," my dad said.