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June 29, 2005
Effefctive immediately.
The job situation has been resolved. Today, I quit. Effective immediately.
Overall, I'm relieved. Shaky, but relieved. Wanting to cry, but relieved.
I talked to B. this morning and told him I had written my letter of resignation and then deleted it. It felt good just to write it. And let's face it, if writing a resignation letter feels good, there's a reason.
There were nagging "what ifs". What if the loss of the paycheck - meager as it was - hurts us? What if I'm skewering my writing career? What if I regret the decision down the road?
Honestly, though, has anyone ever felt really good about writing a letter of resignation, and then regretted sending it?
B. pointed out the aggrivation factor, which I wasn't even seeing. Every month, while working on my column, I'm perpetually aggrivated. Usually from having to chase people for interviews. As he put it, I could benefit by losing the aggrivation. He and Clara Jane definitely could do without it, too.
A few hours after that conversation, I finally got an email from my editor. In it, she went into detail with every column I've submitted since November. That's seven columns, all of which she published with no complaints. There was one column that she later said wasn't the best fit, but it didn't stop her from publishing it, did it?
Today, I found myself with an email that contained a grocery list of problems with almost every column I've submitted and she's published over the past seven months.
Now, if you were someone's boss, and you thought that person's work was slipping, would you wait eight months to say a goddamn thing about it? I didn't think so.
And that's why, if you're in the St. Louis area, you will no longer see my byline in the print edition of Sauce Magazine*.
I've had my cry over it. And yes, there's some disappointment. This isn't how I expected it to go. I didn't expect to spend four years writing the exact same column for a freebie newspaper. I expected it to be a stepping stone, and so far, it hasn't been. It's been good for my writing portfolio, at least. I do wonder if my comfort with this job prevented me from pursuing more freelance work. I guess we'll find out.
This is so corny, and I know you're all going to gag when you read it. But yesterday, when I was in a total anxious fret over what to do with this situation, I had to rock Clara Jane to sleep for her nap. I was holding her, my mind completely filled with magazine crap, when she suddenly laid her face against mine. I absent-mindedly gave her a kiss on the forehead. She pulled back and looked at me with the most beautiful grin. Then she giggled and leaned in for another kiss. And another. And another, until she giggled herself to sleep.
No editor is going to give me that feeling. No byline is going to give me that feeling. No reader is going to give me that feeling. I don't want to waste anymore of my time and Clara Jane's, chasing people for interviews about salad dressing. Or being distracted because an editor has decided to whack me with seven months of my failings all at once.
I always thought I would work and be a mom but the more entrenched I become in being a mom, the less I care about work. The less it fulfills me. I know I made the right decision today. I'm 100% sure of it and those "what ifs" are long gone.
But that doesn't mean I'm not sad that yet another part of my life has come to a close. This was the job I always dreamed of having, from the time I was a little girl. I fulfilled it. I can mark it off the to-do list of my life, which also means saying goodbye.
*Do you honestly think I'm going to link to them? No way. If you want to pay them a visit, they're easy enough to find.
Posted by Robin at June 29, 2005 01:10 PM
Comments
It's the end of an era and that's sad, but this really wasn't working for you any more. Congrats on doing what's best for you and yours!
Posted by: Darcy at June 29, 2005 02:04 PM
Congratulations on setting yourself free. That might sound weird but you seem lighter already. Enjoy those giggles and good luck on the next endeavor. :-)
Posted by: carrster at June 29, 2005 03:09 PM
You've liberated yourself! Yay for you!
Posted by: DixiePeach at June 29, 2005 03:37 PM
Absolutely. Staying with work that is causing stress, isn't what you love, and where you're being attacked (unfairly it sounds like!) is soul-destroying. Unlike raising Clara Jane.
And yes, this might be an incentive to write more spec pieces, start sending out samples of your work, and who knows what lies ahead.
I'm just glad for your sake that you had the courage to make this decision.
Posted by: Kirsti at June 29, 2005 03:43 PM
Who needs Sauce? Let's start a porn magazine. You do the writing, I'll take the pictures.
Wait. Let me think this idea out a little more...
Posted by: Wendy at June 29, 2005 03:59 PM
i like wendy's idea. :)
glad you were able to come to a resolution on this. i'm so looking forward to the day i actually get to write my letter of resignation for job #1.
you're right...if writing the letter felt good, there was a reason for it.
Posted by: kara at June 29, 2005 04:10 PM
Brillant! Crème Brule for everyone!
You so did the right thing Pops. Everything you wrote and did is validated. Screw that editor. She has a set of Donkey Balls to NOW give you a critique. Screw her.
Nothing, NOTHING can take away that moment with Clara Jane and many more moments to come.
Isn't it so much nicer to able to take a breath now without a "saucy" constriction?
Posted by: Tawanda at June 29, 2005 04:50 PM
I vote for Wendy's idea but can we cover all the important parts with a soufle or other fancy foods :P
Ya know when she isn't pooping or screaming that kid of yours sounds awesome...
Posted by: mindy at June 29, 2005 05:09 PM
Good. You'd been getting all stressed and upset of not just late regarding this. Just enough time to meet the pie lady (I'm all about pie, you know).
Posted by: Jane at June 29, 2005 05:11 PM
"Then she giggled and leaned in for another kiss. And another. And another, until she giggled herself to sleep."
That is all the performance feedback you'll ever need, Robin. God, you are so smart to realize that.
On to the next adventure, girl. Close that door and open another.
Posted by: pkb at June 29, 2005 07:45 PM
Wendy, Granny and Chuck would be so proud of us if we did that. Can't you just see them showing our product to their fellow parishoners at the Pentecostal Church of God? That would rock!
Posted by: Poppy at June 29, 2005 07:45 PM
Those Pentecostal fuckers will think it's hilarious. I swear! I bet we could get them to take out some advertising space in the Wild Church Lady section.
Posted by: Wendy at June 30, 2005 01:39 AM
I am so proud of you. I don't even know you and I am SO proud of you. It takes so much strength to realize when it's time to close a door, to end something and to really look at your life for all of the fantastic things that you have in it. Good for you, you will be happier for it and think of all those kisses and giggles you will receive in return! They are, after all, FAR more valuable in the long run...
Posted by: CatPants at June 30, 2005 10:47 AM
Isn't it amazing how kids just seem to know when THEY need to take care of YOU for a little while? I was sitting in our beach house last week, unable to think of anything but little Dawson, and Linnea came over, rested her head on my shoulder, played with my hair and said, " 'Ove 'ou, Mama."
Screw Sauce. If all it was giving you was a paycheck, it wasn't worth it. You'll find something. Heh. If nothing else: we can both be unemployed together! Yay!
Posted by: beege at June 30, 2005 12:55 PM
