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June 14, 2005

Mofo

Yep, I'm just that boring this week. I figure you have no interest in tubs of couscous salad, or the fact that B. has the sniffles and I have my period for the first time in I don't know how long (thanks, PCOS!).

I could tell you that B. rearranged our bedroom on Sunday, and the accumulated six years of dust behind the dressers is probably why he feels like shit. But the new arrangement is so wonderful that I now have a little crush on my bedroom. Everytime I walk past the bedroom door and see our bed facing me, open and inviting, I get a little tingly and long to take a nap.

Then there's the fact that I'll be buying White Stripes and Springsteen tickets in the next two weeks, since my favorite artists are rewarding my devotion by emptying my bank account in one fell swoop. I could be buying Weezer/Ben Folds tickets, too, but I've got to draw the line somewhere. At least the Nine Inch Nails show that was announced this week is happening on a weekend I'll be out of town, so I won't have to sell plasma to buy diapers.

But that's really all the excitment that's happening this week. I want to talk to you about something. Some of you are here and you really shouldn't be.

That's right. I'm talking to you, the hounds who are looking for hot mamas. You know who you are, looking for women of child-bearing age who might get a little freaky and take photos to share with you.

What I'm trying to say is, zip up your pants and move along Oedipus. There's nothing for you here.

For some reason - probably because of the word "mom" in my URL and my prolific and liberal use of the word "fuck" - I get a lot of hits from people looking for mothers having relations. Most of these searchs originate from MSN's search engine, where I seem to be quite popular.

Since I'm a mother and I have loads of spare time for activities such as bon-bon consumption, soap opera viewing, and backward cowgirl humping, I used some of that time today to do a little data collection. Out of 100 random hits on my blog today, here are examples of things searchers were hoping to find at poppymom.com, along with my site's rank in that search:

Well, I do need to finance the upcoming concert deluge ...
mom needs cash - #3
mom for cash sex - #1

Virginia Woolf was so right.
my mom room - #2

A little sex ed lesson: if she's a mom, chances are likely this isn't her first time. You didn't get here by stork, Dumbass.
first time sex and mom - #5

Odd Asian condiments, anyone?
mom cock - #1

What my child will no doubt be calling me in 12 years.
fucking mom - #2

Ok, this one's not about cooch, but I thought I'd offer some motherly advice: maybe you shouldn't work in an office.
how to fight sleep in office - #7

I do and do and do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get? You're going to miss me when I'm dead. You'll see.
mom doing sex - #1

For the pet-lovers.
mom fucking our dog - #1

Surely you can be more creative than this. You're a smart boy. You're just not trying hard enough.
mom sex - #8
mom sex story - #4
mom sex photo - #1

I also took a few minutes to run these search phrases through Google, and guess what I found? PORN!! Not one single link to poppymom.com. So, a word to the horny: quit using MSN for your websearches.

Sure, I know that by posting these search phrases, I'm just inviting more little pervs into sore and sorry disappointment by leading them on a wild goose chase through tales of non-sleeping babies and grocery shopping. Let it be a lesson to them to use a decent search engine.

Trust me. A mother knows.

Posted by Robin at June 14, 2005 08:59 PM

Comments

White Stripes are going to be in Portland and Seattle in August. I am getting a raft of shit because I can't take Mallory. Fly to Seattle, take Mallory, and you can go to the Experience too.

Oh and the mom and sex stuff. Ew. Pigs looking for that stuff. Now sex with monkeys, that would be okay high class stuff.

Posted by: LisaV at June 14, 2005 11:03 PM

i'm starting to get the "nearsighted girls singles" hits again. those aren't nearly as entertaining as yours, though.

Posted by: kara at June 14, 2005 11:27 PM

For the longest time, I didn't know what a MILF was. Then I asked Chuck and Cosmo if they knew what MILFs were, and they looked at me and said, "Duh."

How the hell do you check hits anyway? I don't know how to check hits, track how few people are reading, etc. And I love to hear about your couscous adventures.

Posted by: m at June 14, 2005 11:47 PM

I'm sure that Motherfucking post didn't help. I came here looking for entertainment when I wanted to go postal on my coworker but it was still coucous world. MMmmmm. Todays's post is great. What about Mom fucking bassett hound. I want to kick eric's ass. He won't commit to dates for trips. If we are here I wanna do white stripes with him. And not "Do" like you and Kara want to do Jack White.
I don't know if manicure and a martini is still working for that bar but I'm heading back on Friday with the coworker. Join us if you like.

Posted by: mindy at June 15, 2005 09:24 AM

Now how do you find those things out? Or does it come with your domain hosting stats? I'm intruigued to know what people are using to find my blog, if anyone apart from Sal's friends does use it.

You should re-run this search in a month or so to see how this post has helped your rankings! ;)

Posted by: Kirsti at June 15, 2005 11:45 AM

OK. One loyal reader who wasn't disappointed with the couscous salad, and would like the recipe. Could you email it to me? We're suckers for couscous in Kansas. ;)

Posted by: beege at June 15, 2005 03:03 PM

Mmm...there's nothing like some mom cock to go with my cream of some young guy.

Posted by: Exena at June 16, 2005 09:55 PM