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July 22, 2005
Heatwave Lockdown - Day 2
Captain's Log: Day after yesterday
Time:10:50 a.m.
Outside Temperature:90 degrees F.
Heat Index:100 degrees F.
Number of children's books read: 4
Number of times Here Comes Peter Cottontail! has been read at insistance of child who doesn't realize it's not Easter: 3
Number of minutes napped: Five, but it might all be an elaborate ruse on the part of the child, who could very well be lying in wait in her crib. I must be careful. There is no situation as dangerous for a captain as mutiny.
Number of crayons chewed by child:Unknown, although I observed orange, purple and green-yellow streaks on her teeth. Was unable to examine molars for additional colors.
We have arrived at day two in a vessel that is in disarray after passing through the Clara Jane Really Big Tantrum Meteor Belt last night. Thankfully, help arrived late yesterday afternoon in the form of the child's father, but he faired as poorly as me. In attempt to distract the child from the monotony of the vessel, he removed her to the basement in hopes of tricking the child into believing she was out of the vessel. His attempt failed, and the child retaliated with a blast of flatulence so fierce that they beat a hasty retreat from the basement.
My mind has started wandering due to this extended stretch of captivity. Mindy has provided much to keep my mind occupied with her question regarding which ten fictional characters I would like to engage in naked relations with.
1. Jack - Coffee and Cigarettes. Yeah, I'm cheating. It's really Jack White as himself, but I do think Jack's personea is a bit fictional, so I'll take it.
2. Llyod Dobler - Say Anything.
3. Holden Caulfield - The Catcher in the Rye. I'm pretty sure I could have fixed him.
4. God - While there is much debate as to whether God is real or fictional, I'd totally do him if he'd promise to drop the temperature to a respectable 80 degrees.
5. Joel Robinson - Mystery Science Theater 3000. He knows what it's like to be in lock-down. He knows the wanton desires it fuels. He knows ...
DANGER!!! DANGER!!!! It was a ruse! The child isn't sleeping!! Abort dirty little fantasies! Prepare for battle!! The enemy child is going with a new tactic! Instead of punching, shrieking, and trying to yank my nipples from my tits, she's going with the go-limp-and-wriggle option! We didn't cover this in boot camp, Motherfuckers!!! The horror! The horror!
Posted by Robin at July 22, 2005 10:49 AM
Comments
I too am stuck in a heat wave with a 23 month old and a very bored, very annoying 9 year old... BUT, now that you put it in my head, I have my Lloyd Dobler fantasies to keep me sane...thank you Captain!
Posted by: stillheidi at July 22, 2005 06:29 PM
Peter Cottontail is so a year-round read. So how be that show I missed out on?
Posted by: Joe Greenlight at July 23, 2005 12:37 AM
You missed one hell of a show, Mr. Greenlight. The Weez rocked our faces off. Ben Folds was brilliant. The way he sings "Bitches Ain't Shit" is positively sublime.
Posted by: Poppy at July 23, 2005 12:47 AM
Just wait until she's three. I keep expecting Bean's head to just twist off from the force of her tantrums. Our heat index is 110 and we've been reading 5 Little Christmas Angels, so there must be something in the air as it were.
Posted by: Liz at July 23, 2005 11:58 AM
I've always wanted to slip one to Reggie Mantle from the "Archie" comics. Dark black hair, rich as a mutha fucka, and a damn good body... um, wait a minute... I need to go to the bathroom...
Posted by: Big Daddy B at July 23, 2005 05:07 PM
Llyod dobler...excellent choice...horrible name....
Now if you shagging G-d...would you worry if you were up to the standard....I mean he can get the best ass if its a he...and if its not a he...well...I guess if you were to try a gal, G-d wouldn't be a bad choice.
Posted by: mindy at July 25, 2005 09:36 AM
