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July 13, 2005
Note to self: Read Sweetney, not reviews on Amazon.com
While doing my morning drink-coffee-read-blogs-while-child-demolishes-banana-and-Cheerios routine, I read this, which had me yelling, "You tell it, Sister!" and "You go, girl!!", phrases which I 1)never say, and 2)make me want to punch people who say those phrases in the neck. But the sentiment was there, as so much of what Sweetney wrote rings so very true with me.
It's hard stuff, this motherhood business. I've got a book on my to-read table right now called The 7 Stages of Motherhood. The other day, when I went to Amazon to get a link to the book for my sidebar, I just about kicked my computer when I read one of the customer reviews. Click on the above link and scroll down to the review titled "Extremely Negative, Downright Depressing." Seriously. I can't defend the book, because I haven't read it yet. And I understand that the book didn't fit her experience as a mother. But Jesus. I can't even articulate anything here because of the blinding shriek of rage that's currently eating my eyeballs.
I don't fault mothers who have wonderful motherhood experiences. Not in the slightest. In fact, generally I'm one of them. I have an extremely easy child who's been healthy, developmentally on par, and generally a delight to raise. But that doesn't mean there aren't negatives. Is there anything positive in life that doesn't bring negatives with it? Of course not. Do I know any mothers who live idyllic lives in which everything about motherhood is a joy? Only the ones who ingest extreme quantities of Valium and vodka.
And to answer the question Kelly posted in her review, holy shit yes, breastfeeding can be awful! Sometimes, when a child is unable to breastfeed, it's so awful that it destroys Mama's self-esteem - which has been battered by months of pregnancy hormones. Breastfeeding can, indeed, be painful! Nipples generally don't bleed, Lady, unless they're pumping out milk. And I dare you to get a decent night's sleep while laying on two engorged, rock-hard boulders. Plugged milk ducts and mastisis are a hoot, too. Is it really, really hard? Well, if you think zooming down the highway in the passenger seat with a breast pump plugged into the cigarette lighter and a horn on each tit is hard, then yes.
I know I shouldn't get this angry about a stupid customer review on Amazon. I really shouldn't. But goddammit, this woman seems unable to accept that perhaps not everyone has a mothering experience that involves all the softly-lit baby at the breast bullshit. Few people have that. Most of us have experiences that, while extremely rewarding, make us doubt everything we do. And while the relationships we build with our children might turn out to be the greatest relationships of our lives, it's often at the detriment of the relationships with our partners, friends, and other family members. It ain't free, Babe.
And when you don't recognize that perhaps most mothers do have at least some negative experiences and feelings toward motherhood, you're not doing a favor to anyone. You're just telling other moms that they're not good enough and trust me, most of us tell ourselves that enough that we don't need anyone else saying it to us. The real downside of this: when you bring down other moms, you in turn bring down their children, because a mom who is continually brought down isn't going to be as good of a mother.
I've noticed lately that I'm at a bit of a crossroads as a mother. I wasn't one of those moms who fell in love with her child at first sight. I loved her because she was mine, but it took time for me to really surrender my heart to the little person whose poopy diapers I change. I wasn't crazy about the baby stage. For me it was scary and frustrating, filled with so much questioning and self-doubt. My overriding thought during this time was that my daughter deserved better than I was giving her.
As she's grown into toddlerhood, I've started to hit my stride as a mom. It's fun now. She's now big enough to consciously return my affection. She's big enough to voice her opinions to an extent, to let the world know what rocks and what sucks. Like this morning, when we were clapping along to the Beatles' "Love Me Do". I momentarily stopped clapping and she squealed, "Clap, Mama! Clap!" In my mind, that was ample payback for at least a few days of post-partum depression hell.
This newfound bonding with my child has led to changes elsewhere in my life, and I find myself facing hard decisions. Staying in the workforce, for starters. At this point I only have my big toe in the workforce, and it's been difficult to gradually chip away at my career. It's a part of my life that was important to me for a long time. The changes in my relationships have been even more difficult. Of course, I don't have nearly as much time to devote to my friends. But more importantly, I find myself not having the emotional energy to put into some of my relationships. I wish I did. I really do. But to devout that emotional energy, I would have to take it from my relationship with my child, and I'm certainly not willing to do that. That's one of the hardest realizations that I've ever had.
I won't even get into the marital changes because Sweetney pretty much covered them, and I don't want to get into those particulars of my life on my blog.
If all this makes me negative and depressing, so be it.
Posted by Robin at July 13, 2005 09:15 AM
Comments
i don't think you're negative and depressing. :)
and personally, i'm glad i've got to hear the negative parts of motherhood from you. because there are so many times you only hear about the good things. as someone who doesn't have kids, if i were thrown into motherhood with unrealistic expectations of how great it should be, i would be pissed off when it wasn't everything the "perfect" ones said it would be. it's good to have a nice realistic view of how difficult, yet rewarding it is.
sure, i might not have kids, but that's an informed decision. :)
i also think i expected our friendship to change some after clara jane was born. the priorities change once you have a kid. but we still hang out and have fun when we do get together. :)
psh. nothing is ever perfect.
Posted by: kara at July 13, 2005 11:05 AM
Kara, you done good in adjusting to all of my adjustments. Yeah, we might not do our all-day shopping marathons nearly as often as we used to, but we get by. :)
Friday! Thai pizza! Black Keys!
Posted by: Poppy at July 13, 2005 11:24 AM
I hear ya. Especially that part about not having the energy to put into other relationships. I think that had a TON to do with the kuffuffle over at my blog. Maintaining those relationships just took more energy than I had at that point in time, and maintaining those relationships took a huge chunk of TIME away because those relationships were primarily supported by email.
Being a mother requires some tough choices--as you well know. Sometimes friendships have to end for the good of the new family; sometimes new friendships start in odd places; sometimes sex goes away, sometimes it gets better; it's such an amazingly mixed bag. I'm actually stunned that anyone has the guts to write a freaking book about it.
Posted by: beege at July 13, 2005 12:52 PM
You posted this at the perfect time for me as today is officially the hardest day I have ever had being a mom. Connor has a killer fever (his first one) and is either staring listessly sucking his thumb and looking miserable or crying this horrible cry I've never even heard come out of his mouth before today. I'm torn between feeling horrible that I can't fix it (I think the not being able to fix it is going to be the hardest part of being a mom for me) and counting the minutes until his dad gets home and I can hand him off for a minute, and in turn, feeling guilty about that.
So, I'm pretty much wanting to kick that reviewer's azz right now.
Posted by: Cyn at July 13, 2005 01:12 PM
Becoming a mom doesn't transform you into something superhuman. We're imperfect no matter what our stage in life. I think you have got the right idea. What is depressing about discussing the way things really are? That's not depressing. That's liberating.
Posted by: Julie at July 13, 2005 01:16 PM
I swear, you need to put these posts into a book and submit them. For me, becoming a mom means losing most of your friends and sacrificing all of your carefree time. It's impossible to be carefree anymore--even when you're merely tooling around at the grocery store by yourself. And that's another thing. A good night out hardly ever means dinner and drinks anymore. A good night out is a solo trip to the grocery store. And that sucks.
Posted by: FP at July 13, 2005 01:31 PM
Being in the boat that I am these days (i.e. wanting to become a mom, but not there yet) I keep coming back to this entry because it scares me a little. No. A lot.
I hear this from so many of my friends with children, especially the ones who live far from their families, and I've thought about it a lot. I wonder if our generation of women isn't much more conflicted about motherhood than our parents' and grandparents' generations because, well... They really didn't know anything else. Until us, the general rule was that ladies got married and had babies. I mean... Does waiting to have babies mean that you realize more what you're giving up (autonomy) once you have them? Cause I love babies and family, don't think I don't... But I am really conflicted about what I will have to give up for motherhood. And I won't be entirely disappointed if I don't get pregnant. And I'm not planning on taking any extraordinary measures to get there either.... I don't know... Just musing.
Posted by: Julie at July 13, 2005 01:40 PM
Jules, there's a lot of truth to what you've said. Most of the moms I know in our age bracket had really fulfilling, interesting lives before becoming moms. And while motherhood is fulfilling and interesting, it can be really hard to shift gears. It's the downside of having every available choice and opportunity. While we're so lucky that we have so many choices, it definitely presents a new basket of problems. It's the whole bad-with-the-good business, once again.
I do think that waiting until we're a bit older magnifies this. We have more time to get comfortable with ourselves and our lives. And that's great, but it does make it hard to change gears.
I hate that my entry scares you and my initial reaction is to say, "Oh no! Don't be scared! It's fine! Really!" And most of the time, it is. But parenthood is, without question, the scariest thing I've ever done. But the scariness is matched by the good parts, too. It's just ... intense.
I was totally conflicted a few years ago when I was in your position. We approached it the way you've described - if it happened, great. If not, fine. When it did happen - and rather quickly - it threw me for such a loop. I spent a lot of time, pregnant and thinking, "I don't know if this is what I want." Those doubts are gone now, but there are definitely times when I really miss my life the way it used to be. The longer I'm a mother, the less I miss life pre-baby.
Posted by: Poppy at July 13, 2005 01:57 PM
What amazing post. Both of you. I serious think I will print them and put them insome sort of general book for future viewing.
Posted by: mindy at July 13, 2005 02:32 PM
This totally reminds me of Wanda Sykes' bit where she talks about how parents complain and complain and complain about being parents, and then they end the litany of complaints with "But it's worth it." Wanda says they never look you in the eye for the "but it's worth it" part. Snort.
Posted by: Julie at July 13, 2005 03:05 PM
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...
Heh. Sorry. Couldn't help it. :)
What I am constantly struck by is how everyone's experiences with parenthood are all at once universal and completely unique.
I can truthfully say that while there have been exceptionally stressful days, and days where I thought, "Where did I lose myself?", and days where I thought it would probably be easier to be a single mom, ultimately the good days have far, far, FAR outweighed the bad.
Not in that my-heart-is-so-full-of-love-that-I-can-overlook-a-lot-of-crap way. But really truly in a fun, "this rocks!" kind of way.
Toddlerhood has helped considerably. The newborn stage is scary. They are really small and helpless and needy. And lets face it, kind of boring. I think I'd be ready to start trying for #2 if it weren't for the newborn part.
I think part of it is that by necessity, I've gotten my chit together. I get more done at work so I can work less. I had to babyproof my house, so now I'm uber organized. My husband and I are 100% committed to making us a priority, so we do. And as a gift to myself I've gotten in shape and lost 25 lbs. And we are determined that our lifestyle will include a baby. Not end because of one. So she has flown on more than 30 airplanes. We make plans to do fun family stuff vs. just end up in a bar every Friday night like we used to. Even if that's just going to the park to feed the ducks. And occasionally, yeah, we get a baby sitter and hit that bar HARD. I'm not dead after all. ;-)
(We are lucky, I know that. I have help from my mom. A great daycare, and a whole buch of incredibly supportive friends.)
I'm not in any way diminishing anyone else's experience. But I think like Poppy said, you get to a point where you hit your stride. You definately sacrifice some things. For me it's been my "fly by the seat of my pants" part of my personality. I have to have a schedule and a plan. But I can live with that. Oh, and I haven't sent a thank you card in months. Hopefully the masses will forgive me. I'm sure there's other stuff, but I guess I don't miss it.
Posted by: Rio at July 13, 2005 03:11 PM
I don't know much I can add to this apart from "God yes!" I know exactly what all of you mean. Thank you for the link Pops. Thank you for the wise comments all of you - and Julie - don't be scared - you can really have no idea how hard it is until you do it, but also you have no idea how good at it you can be too. I had a very rose tinted idea of motherhood pre-Oscar. And it's the hardest thing I've ever ever done. But I'm also good at it - better than I ever thought I could be - I have laboured and birthed a child. I cope with the sleepless nights. I cope with the anxiety. My son is amazing and I'm helping him become the adorable mischevious ginger headed monkey that he is.
Nothing compares to it - the highs, the lows. And however you experience it, it's an experience that is totally unique and precious.
Don't be scared.
Sal x
Posted by: Sally at July 13, 2005 04:39 PM
jules, i also think you've hit the nail on the head. i'm not in a place right now where i'm even considering having kids, but i wonder if i ever will be. i've put so much time and effort into trying to have a life and career of my own. i don't know if i'm willing to sacrifice any of that to have a kid. sure, it's rewarding in it's own way, but i just don't know if i'm the type of person who would see it that way.
besides, i'm 30 now and still have no (um, okay, few) prospects on the horizon. by the time i'm actually ready to think about having kids, i might be too old (ok, too old in my own mind).
um, anyway...
friday! thai pizza! black keys!
(i'm not sure i could handle one of those all day shopping marathons anymore, anyway.) :D
Posted by: kara at July 13, 2005 06:49 PM
hey thanks, lady!
and you go, too. girl. heh.
cough.
i've never been very good at unbridled enthusiasm, for some reason or other, even when actually feeling unbridledly enthusiastic.
;)
Posted by: sweetney at July 13, 2005 08:50 PM
Poppy, your blog was most excellent today.
Posted by: Julie at July 13, 2005 10:26 PM
