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Oh, but karma is a lovely thing. Because guess what? I don't have one single solitary bit of outside childcare! I'm not saying that as a dig to moms who utilize sitters and day care. I'm saying it as, "Get me - I'm an idiot who's too neurotic to leave her kid with someone else!"

Part of the problem is, B. and I have no family nearby. My entire family is three hours away. His is 13 horus away. Makes for a bitch of a baby pick-up. Also, most of our friends are in a similar boat. They have their hands full with their own kids, families, jobs, etc.

The only time in Clara Jane's life - all 17 months of it as of tomorrow - that B. and I have gone out without her have been the occasions when my parents are in town, or when Clara Jane is visiting them. Really, I'm not complaining. B. has absolutely no problem staying home with Clara Jane while I go on the occasional galavant with my friends. And for the most part, I don't mind that an evening out consists of a party of three. We have no qualms about taking Clara Jane to dinner. Considering that most pre-baby evenings out consisted of dinner and a trip to the bookstore, things really haven't been that different.

But still, not only would it be nice to have a babysitter for the occasional grown-up evening, but it's just smart. Because you just never know when there's going to be a situation that requires adult supervision.

I've left Clara Jane in the care of my next-door neighbor on a few occasions, but stopped when I realized I wasn't 100% comfortable leaving my child with a chain-smoking racist Jesus freak who would call me to come get Clara Jane anytime she cried. I don't think my neighbor fully understood the concept of babysitting. You see, the whole idea behind babysitting is that, when the baby cries, you take care of the situation because the child's mom is paying you to do so. I know the term is confusing. I mean, babysitting implies sitting in the presence of a baby. In my neighbor's case, it involved sitting on a milk crate in the doorway to her back porch, letting in the January air while chain-smoking. No wonder my kid cried. Maybe my neighbor would have understood the job better if I called it babyresponding-to-the-kids-beck-and-call-you-redneck-dimwit.

So, we've been without any sort of childcare since January. While cruising Craiglist recently, I found something that looked promising - a stay-at-home mom in my neighborhood, in her 30s with two young daughters, certified in CPR, looking to do some babysitting. I thought, what the hell. Doesn't hurt to explore our options, does it? I emailed her, asking for more info.

Within minutes, I got a response with her address and phone number. I hate talking on the phone. And these days, with Clara Jane, talking on the phone is difficult. I'd much rather make arrangements via email if at all possible. More specifically, I'd rather find out via email if a person is a nut, rather than getting stuck in a 3-hour phone conversation with a nut. Trust me, it's happened. I'm a freak magnet when it comes to the phone.

I didn't immediately respond to her message, since I happened to be rather busy that day. But that's ok, because the next morning, I had yet another email waiting from the potential babysitter. And another one later that day, asking when would be a good time to talk about her caring for my "precious daughter". Okay, so she's a little ... enthusiastic. And reminds me a bit of the Wicked Witch and her "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" I emailed her, apologized for being slow and told her I'd call after the weekend. Which was a lie, although I didn't realize it at the time. I got another email, immediately. This one included an invitation to a Mary Kay party.

Uh oh.

In the past four days I have recieved two emails to Discovery Toys parties hosted by this woman, and two for Mary Kay parties. Apparently, she likes to sell stuff. My mother's intuition, which is a cynical but often accurate asshole, tells me that this woman possibly babysits to gain new clients. Or so she can sell their children on the black market.

So, I'm still without a babysitter. But I did hire a guy to mow our overgrown jungle every two weeks. Here's hoping he's not a fertilizer salesman.