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September 02, 2005

Friday Shuffle - The Please Let There Be Something Not Depressing Edition

I just deleted the shuffle and won't be posting it today. Too many of the songs were too reminiscent of what's going on. Out of 6500 songs, you'd think I'd be able to shuffle ten songs that don't include references to drowning, natural disasters, murder and pain. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong.

I was hoping for something that would get At the Foot of Canal Street out of my head. It's been lodged there all week, and it breaks my heart and makes me cry.

I couldn't sleep last night. The insomnia's been creeping in all week. It happens whenever something traumatic happens. When my panic disorder was at its worst, the insomnia happened all the time. I'm torn. Being agoraphobic and avoidant, I want to stay away from anything scary. Like CNN's website. But I'm afraid of what I'll find when I return if I stay away from CNN's website. It's the shock and surprise that scares me most. So, I stay glued.

Yesterday I realized that the information I was reading on CNN regarding the hurricane was the same information that had been up all day. Nothing new had happened. The only thing new was the headline and photo, which fooled my brain into thinking new breaking developments were happening when really, they weren't. I found myself stuck in that miserable loop where I was reading the same news story over and over, but processing it as if it were new.

I didn't do this after 9/11. For one thing, I took a handful of Tylenol PM before bed every night for two weeks, whether I needed them or not. I'm a total lightweight when it comes to any medication with "drowsy" as a side effect. Two Tylenol PM, and I don't function for a good 12 hours. I was taking more than that in the days following the terrorist attacks, so I effectively spent those weeks living inside a big medication prophylatic where nothing could touch me. I eased out of it slowly as I was able to digest what was happening.

I can't do that this time because 1) I have a child who needs me to be somewhat alert and 2) drugs are bad, mkay.

The other difference: after 9/11 I avoided news sources and spent two weeks watching a steady diet of "Spongebob Squarepants" and nothing but. I made the mistake of watching "Behind the Music" featuring Blind Melon. The lead singer's death was the first thing to make me cry that week, the first thing I allowed to cut through the numbness.

So I didn't sleep last night and because I'm needy, B. didn't either. He spent several hours lying in bed with me, trying to reassure me that this isn't the Biblical apocolypse, that bad things have always happened. He sited the many and myriad examples of good in the world, and how that good completely stomps the hell out of the wanderinig bands of armed marauders who've taken over New Orleans.

Logically, I know he's right. Emotionally, not so much.

I'm watching the local news right now. I shouldn't be. B. told me that I need to take a day off from the news, and he's right, but I'm not. The absurdity just kills me. Like just now, they were cutting to commercial. "The very fabric of society is breaking down in New Orleans as mob mentality takes over. And guess who's turning 75 on the comic page this weekend!" How can we wrap our heads around this? In less than a week what was once a cultured, functioning city has completely broken down. And hey! Good news in the funny papers! All in the same breath, without a hint of irony.

It feels like the world should stop, but that's what scares me most - that it will.

And now the news is repeating stories I've already heard, and I'm making them new all over again. Even though Clara Jane's still asleep, I'm turning on "Sesame Street" and leaving it there indefinitely.

Posted by Robin at September 2, 2005 07:24 AM

Comments

sesame street and spongebob squarepants are excellent to watch at a time like this.

Posted by: kara at September 2, 2005 08:09 AM

The first season of Spongebob DVDs are in the drawer. Please take advantage of them when Seseme Street gets done. Or watch "Hillbillys in a Haunted House". If the world can survive that, it can survive anything.

Posted by: B at September 2, 2005 08:48 AM

I sent you an private email concerning quilts, hope you dont mind.

Posted by: steph at September 2, 2005 02:25 PM

I prescribe Simpsons. Lots of Simpsons. We watched Blazing Saddles last night because I couldn't bear to think about anything anymore. My brain hasn't shut off since Sunday night. Tylenol PM rocks. Incoherency is apparently all I can manage.

Posted by: Liz at September 2, 2005 02:47 PM

I wish I could tear myself away from it. I keep hopping back and forth between CNN International and German media outlets hoping that there will be a scrap of good news. I want so much to be in Mississippi right now. When disaster strikes, I want to be home and Mississippi will always be my home. I comfort myself with the idea that the more I know will lessen my fears and so my news junkie-ness is working overtime.

Take whatever breaks you need, Robin. Be good to yourself. These days we need to be as good to ourselves and the ones we care about as we can manage.

Posted by: DixiePeach at September 2, 2005 04:44 PM

I have been ranting and raving all day. I know, what else is new, but seriously. This is sick and scary and I can't stop watching it. I think I may follow your example and go through my DVDs for escape. Napoleon Dynamite, anyone?

Posted by: Lisa (Blah Blah) at September 2, 2005 05:33 PM

I broke down again tonight while eating dinner and watching Anderson Cooper. My mom is glued, and when I'm home I'm glued and so sad. It's just been a shit week and even though I've done a lot of bitching, I feel so very thankful.

You and Kara and B. need a night of Beavis and Butthead and nachos.

Posted by: Exena at September 2, 2005 06:54 PM

ohhh me too. no sleep thank you katrina mess.

Posted by: Kira at September 3, 2005 11:15 PM