« The Parental Parade | Main | A New Level of Dull »
September 28, 2005
If Ignorance is Bliss, We Must be in a Joyful Place
I'm people-weary. Really. Yesterday was a big exercise in watching people show their asses, and not in a good way.
I'm fat. I've always been bigger than the norm. Currently much bigger than the norm. Like most people who are fat, I got there via multiple paths: an unlucky roll of the genetic dice, not building healthy eating habits until well into adulthood, a lifelong bout with panic disorder that led me to medicate in the easiest way possible (food) and an interest/talent in the culinary world.
I'll bet those of you who aren't fat have your own vices and issues. They're just not as visible as mine.
And since we all have our issues, it amazes me that there's such a high degree of hatred towards fat and fat people. I'm lucky. I may wear a size 26/28, but I don't seem to get a lot of the bullshit that other fat people get. My loved ones don't nag about losing weight (although it took years to get to that point). Strangers often make eye contact with me and smile. When I make the occasional trip to my local Vietnamese buffett, the owner doesn't run, screaming, "Oh my God! She's gonna eat it all! Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"
The flipside to this peaceful fat existance is that examples of hatred, or even disapproval, towards fat people come as a real shock when I see them. Everything from Melissa's frank discussion of her husband's disappointment that she's not the size four he married, to a rant that has since been deleted on a little-read local blog that included an all-caps declaration of, "Oh my God! I hate obese people!", and continued into hate-filled spewing regarding the morbidly obese.
As if anyone chooses to be over 300 pounds.
What got me about Melissa's piece was how there are so many people in our country for whom 40 pounds is the difference between feeling loved and desired by a spouse, or feeling like absolute shit about yourself. Forty pounds. Four bags of flour on a body that has carried and delivered babies and maintained a home for her family.
What got me about the other post - the author attempted to express outrage that at a statement by a morbidly obese woman who had talked about never having experienced the feeling of hunger when so many people in our country go without. I asked what the author has personally done to remedy the problem of hunger in our country. Has she spent any time at the St. Louis Food Bank or St. Patrick Center? How much money has her family given to America's Second Harvest? Has she ever spent time teaching a person in need to cook, so that person might be able to feed himself? These questions weren't answered before the post was removed.
I wasn't going to tell this story. When this happened on Monday night, I swore that I wasn't going to broadcast it to the world, because ... I don't even want to say why. It's not something I'm ashamed of. It's not something I'm proud of. I did something that just seemed like the right thing to do, that does not deserve praise or a pat on the back. So keep that shit to yourselves, ok? Because I think I need to write about this in light of recent readings.
Regular readers know I often joke about living in the Redneck Jungle. My neighborhood isn't monied. Not at all. It's working-class, which is how B. and I both grew up. It's not destitute, but there are plenty of people here who are doing their best to just get by.
I was at one of my neighborhood grocery stores Monday evening during the going-home-from-work rush. It was crowded, and everyone was impatient to finish their shopping and go home. I kept encountering a couple, about my age, and their little boy. The adults were just your normal, run-of-the-mill people, just like you see everywhere. Nothing exceptional about them. Their little boy, a tow-head blond about six years old, happy and excited. While his parents were deciding what kind of chicken to buy, he exuberantly told them about how he had the best chicken ever!!!! at school a few days before, followed by a detailed list of food he loves. Just another high-energy, extremely happy little boy, enduring the grocery chores.
They were at the check-out with their full cart when I got in line. I unloaded my purchases and went into a line-waiting daze - a luxury I don't often get to enjoy since I usually have Clara Jane with me when I shop. Some time passed, and I came out of my daze to realize things weren't moving along as they should. The couple with the little boy were pulling groceries out of their cart and having them removed from their bill.
They couldn't pay for their food.
Goddammit, was my first thought. Why the hell didn't they keep track of how much money they had and how much they were spending? They could have saved time and the humiliation of having a crowded grocery store know that they can't pay for food.
They could have saved me the discomfort of having to watch their humiliation play out in public.
Second thought, as I looked around and saw the angry, impatient expressions on the faces of the other shoppers in line - expressions that were probably no different than the one I wore: Oh, get over yourselves. You're at a cheap, bag-your-own grocery store in a working-class neighborhood. You've probably gotten to the register and realized you didn't have enough money for your purchases, so get off your fucking high horse and have some empathy.
I've gotten to the register without enough money. I've had times when a bagged iceburg lettuce salad seemed like I luxury I couldn't afford.
The father, sensing the anger and impatience of the held-up line, kept loudly offering apologies. His wife's faced was softly contorted into what at first glance looks like a smile, but is actually every face muscle straining to stop the tears.
Their little boy sat on the bagging counter, alone, probably not aware of exactly what was happening. But his exuberance was gone. He sat quietly, eyes cast to the floor, waiting more patiently for his parents than any of the adults in line behind them.
It's always the healthy food that goes first. The whole-grain cereals and the gallon of milk. The fresh vegetables. My ire rose again, seeing the nutritious food being returned while a box of brownies remained in the cart.
But goddammit, after going through this public humiliation, that kid deserves a fucking brownie. Which is one of the way kids turn into fat adults - they feel bad, and food makes them feel better.
Here's a thought: instead of medicating with food, we actually get off our asses and do something to make people feel better? Help them feel worthy? Because guess what? There but for the grace of God go I, which is rapidly becoming a phrase I'm living my life by.
Before you say, "They need to manage your money better and quit buying junk food," like I did, ask yourself: how many paychecks do you have to lose before you find yourself holding up the line at Aldi's because you can't pay your grocery bill? I'll bet for most of you, the number is low enough to humble you.
My number was.
When it was my turn to check out, I surveyed the discarded food that remained from the couple. A stock person had returned most of it, but some of the fresh vegetables remained - a bag of salad, a dry pint of grape tomatoes, and an 8-pack of frozen ears of corn. Quietly, I told the cashier, "I want those veggies. Add them to my order."
I didn't want to draw attention to myself, and I especially didn't want to draw attention to the family. They'd had more than their share of attention for one day. In a perfect world I would have bought the veggies and slipped them into their cart unnoticed while they bagged their groceries, walking out the door before they could know who did it. I didn't want them to feel obligated to thank me. I just wanted them to have their vegetables.
But this isn't a perfect world. It's flawed, just like every single one of us. Most of the time we're too busy being pissed off and ranting about those flaws to see that they often hold the beauty of the human experience.
The couple was almost finished bagging their groceries, and I was afraid I wouldn't have a chance to get the veggies to them before they left. As soon as the cashier placed them in my cart, I grabbed them, clumsily hopped around my cart to theirs, and dropped the veggies in, just as they turned around to see me. Their jaws dropped, and I moved back to my place at the card reader, eyes downcast, trying to finish my transaction under the stunned eyes of the cashier, the couple, and the other people in line. I said nothing.
Had my heart not been pounding in my ears and my mind doing cartwheels, I would have just taken my purchases to my car without bagging them. But I couldn't get my thoughts together. I paid, and looked for a spot at the bagging counter. The only one available was next to the couple. I moved to it, still not making eye contact. Still wanting to save all of us from the storm of emotions that might happen if our eyes locked and we acknowledged what just happened.
I didn't want them to see any trace of the anger and pity I felt while standing in that line, before I got some fucking sense and realized that they didn't need anger or pity. They needed compassion and empathy.
The woman came towards me without a word and stretched her arms wide. The wane, forced smile crumbled with a tremble of her lower lip as I walked into her embrace.
"Thank you," she said as both of our tears started to flow. "Thank you."
"We've all been there," I said. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay."
And you know what? It is okay. It's okay to fail. We all do. And at some point, we all fail publically. But it's just one moment. One moment in a lifetime, as fleeting as the moments of brilliance and joy. One moment that can turn us around for a lifetime.
We broke the embrace and returned to bagging our groceries. I was gathering my composure when she returned, arms outstretched again. "This one's from my husband and my son. Thank you," she said as she hugged me again. And my composure was gone at the mention of her son. Completely gone as my heart broke, right there at the Aldi's bagging counter.
"I'm a mom, too. I know."
I was unable to feed my daughter at one point, under different circumstances. When she was born, we couldn't get the breastfeeding thing to work at all. She spent her first four days without food, losing over ten percent of her body weight before I was informed by a doctor that I had failed. I failed my daughter and she was starving. That feeling - that feeling that comes with knowing that I could not provide my child with her most basic need, was the most horrifying, humbling, feeling of failure I've ever experienced. It's a feeling that made me absolutely hate myself for a very long time. Even though I knew I had done everything I could.
In the parking lot, the family was parked on the opposite side. The father waved to me and yelled a thank-you. "I see your halo shining," he added.
"Oh, I don't have a halo. Trust me. I don't," I said as I closed the door to my truck. A halo would indicate 100% good. And I'm not. I felt the impatience and anger when I realized what was going on at the front of the line. I felt the pity.
I felt the hate. Because you know what? It's really, really easy to hate. It's super-simple to sit down and rant about how you hate obese people, or poor people, or stupid people. It's the easiest thing in the world.
Love is hard.
On Monday night, it would have been so easy for me to have stuck with those initial feelings. Had I stuck with them, I wouldn't have found myself hugging a stranger at the bagging counter at Aldi's. I wouldn't have sat in the parking lot, with my head on my steering wheel, sobbing harder than I have in months. I wouldn't have had images of that family in my head while I tried to fall asleep for the past two nights, wondering what else they need. I wouldn't be kicking myself because I probably could have done more.
I wouldn't be sitting here, sobbing as I write, had I acted with the hatred and indifference that is the easy way out.
Most decisions we make in a typical day do boil down to a simple choice: do I act out of love, or do I act out of indifference (at best) or abject, self-admitted hatred (at worst).
You know what? Buy me some fucking Kleenex because I'm going to act out of love. Even if it makes me feel like a scab picked raw and bloody.
Posted by Robin at September 28, 2005 08:25 AM
Comments
OH boy, that sure made me cry. Robin, you are an incredible woman! And even though we don't know each other, you bring a lot of laughter, joy, and hope into my life. Just when I think this world is going to hell in a handbasket, I hear a happy ending...
jamie
Posted by: jamie at September 28, 2005 10:16 AM
What a beautiful post. And hey, everybody's halo is rusted and dented. You did the right thing. I would be sobbing too. much love
Jerriann
ladyarchersplace.blogspot.com
Posted by: JerriAnn at September 28, 2005 10:28 AM
i'm proud of your choice in that situation.
as for that website, i also left a similar comment to yours last night.
Posted by: diatriber at September 28, 2005 11:24 AM
D., I saw your comment and appreciated it. It was good to see someone whose opinion I respect speaking up. Made me feel less like a reactionary ass.
Posted by: Poppy at September 28, 2005 11:34 AM
Wow. You did the right thing. :)
Posted by: Cass at September 28, 2005 12:33 PM
That was such a wonderful thing to do for them... :)
Posted by: grace at September 28, 2005 01:17 PM
Well, there is a little puddle of tears in my lap now, thanks. I'm really glad you posted this, and glad I stopped by to see it. I remember once feeding my family for a week on our last $10 (spent at Aldi's). I'd always intended to design the "broke family's Aldi shopping list" for relatively healthy meals on the cheap--however we can't eat most of what was on that list anymore due to the allergies. But back then we were a few bucks away from needing someone like you standing by. And you know, I totally understand why you say you you don't want us all commenting with pats on the back, because what you did *was* the right thing and compassion and generosity is something we should expect of ourselves--but we're too often frightened of making a spectacle. You handled that aspect of it well. But you deserve our thanks for bringing it up. Thanks.
Posted by: Laura at September 28, 2005 01:20 PM
But for the Grace of God go I... what an incredible blog. A lesson from both sides of the check-out counter.
Posted by: redheadeditor at September 28, 2005 01:45 PM
This was a great post. I've been reading your blog for a while and well, they're all great posts, but this one is TRULY great. You made me cry and you made me do a lot of soul-searching about how little I am doing to really help those in need. Thank you for that.
Posted by: Missy at September 28, 2005 01:50 PM
I have battled and strived for a healthy and sometimes unhealthy-but-small number on the scale most of my life. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I didn't lose hope, because the Synthroid greatly reduced my size. When I was 22, I was diagnosed with I.B.S. which was fine as long as I wasn't what I call "having a time." I've also been diagnosed with PCOS, although I'm still in denial. Who would want to believe they have something that increases your male hormones, makes it difficult to lose/maintain weight, makes you grow darker hair at a faster rate....even in weird places, and could possibly make you infertile? Sadly, my sister was also diagnosed this past Spring. It makes denying it hard...I see that you are also familiar with this embarassing disease that affects up to a fifth of all women but is rarely spoken of.
Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm the ignorant c*nt that deleted the post from yesterday. Me, not my husband. I deleted it because it doesn't belong on a page mainly used to show the grandparents pics of our children. I shouldn't have said "I hate obese people" in caps, because that's not even true. As ignorant as I sounded to you,Poppy, I actually know a lot about nutrition and weight-loss...I'll be the first to tell you that
I'm completely obsessed with it! I know that over two thirds of American adults are overweight, and I believe about half of those people are considered obese. Of course I don't hate all obese people. Believe it or not, my very best friend is obese. She has diabetes and takes
steroids for a sickness she has that I won't talk about. Sure, she could be a little smaller if she ate healthier foods, but she prefers to eat unhealthy foods, and you know what? I don't hate her for it! I do think that people that train for eating contests or eat *"ten times what a normal person eats" are selfish and inconsiderate
individuals. The people I chose to name were both over a thousand pounds. Most health sites will tell you that it is very uncommon and unlikely that obesity is caused by medical reasons. Of course it makes it a lot harder, but we all have our loads to carry.(*The quote was from the deleted post that pissed you off so much.) If that offends you, I really can't apologize. That is, afterall, my opinion. As far as donations go, my husband and I do what we can. We give more than we can afford to charities, but we've had little time to volunteer, as we would need a volunteer babysitter in order to work in a soup kitchen for an afternoon. As hard as it is for a stubborn c*nt like me to say it, I am truly sorry if I offended you. You are absolutely not the demographic I was ranting about. I should have made that abundantly more clear, and for that I apologize to all. Ok, I'm done. I'll leave you alone now.
Posted by: Michelle at September 28, 2005 02:11 PM
Michelle, my point isn't about weight. Really, I don't care how you feel about it. I don't care if your post wasn't aimed at my demographic. That being said, I'd like to know where The Line is located. What weight is ok, and what weight is acceptable of hate.
I do respect your right to express your opinions. My beef has to do more with your willingness to take the easy route of being hateful instead of making an effort to be understanding.
Like I said, it's easy to hate. And it's just as selfish and lazy to be hateful as it is to be a competitive eater (many of whom are small, for what it's worth) or someone who eats herself to death. The difference is, it's easier to control hatefullness. You can make a conscious choice to not be hateful.
Someone who eats ten times what a "normal" person would eat? Maybe instead of assuming that person is selfish it would benefit you to understand why a person would do something so harmful. What drives them. Because you know what? Most people would never choose to live a life like that and it's driven by a level of hurt and self-hatred that most of us, luckily, will never face.
As long as you're willing to be hateful, instead of trying to find understanding, you're being willfully ignorant, which is just about the most selfish thing a person can do.
Posted by: Poppy at September 28, 2005 02:27 PM
I can't even say all I want right now, but what you did was wonderful. Thanks.
Posted by: SuzanH at September 28, 2005 03:31 PM
One doesn't have to have loads of time, money or even a volunteer babysitter to show some compassion, understanding, empathy and love to another person. I believe Poppy more than proved that.
You showed once again your giving heart and it touched my own. Your compassion has always touched me.
Hey! Y'all have an Aldi there! Very popular here but of course it's a German store.
Posted by: DixiePeach at September 28, 2005 03:38 PM
As I was reading your post, I was thinking, I hope she helps them pay for their groceries.... and then I got to the part where you did, and it made me so happy. Thanks for sharing, Robin. It's nice to know that there are still good people in this world.
Posted by: Julie at September 28, 2005 05:05 PM
The best way to lead is by example, I'm not sure there is a better example of true compassion than you, Robin.
I so get this.
Posted by: PKB at September 28, 2005 05:32 PM
This entry made me cry for all the times I stepped up and was able to help someone in need and all the times I didn't know the right thing to do and spent days (sometimes weeks) kicking myself in the pants for being too lame to ease someones suffering and the one time I tried to help someone out and really just got suckered into helping them buy drugs and felt so dumb.
Posted by: Monica at September 28, 2005 06:27 PM
I know you didn't post the Aldi story looking for a pat on the back, but seriously. If there were more people like you doing what they could, however small or seemingly insignificant, how much better off would we be? Human kindness has nothing to do with a number. Not a number on a scale. Not a number in your bank balance. Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: Lori at September 28, 2005 06:36 PM
"Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love."
-- Martin Luther King Jr
Your post made me cry - if we really lived with love as our primary emotion - the world would be a much different place.
Thank you.
Posted by: Elizabeth at September 28, 2005 07:07 PM
Awesome.Story.
Posted by: Corey at September 28, 2005 07:18 PM
michelle -
no matter what it was you meant, what you said was something very very different. you managed (even IF unintentionally) to perpetuate the idea that is is completely acceptable to hate fat people. this is the LAST acceptable prejudice in our society and it hurts when people blatantly declare that they hate people based on a physical trait. that's no reason to hate on someone.
and i know robin touched on this too, but so often these people who get as large as the ones you WERE talking about have much much much bigger problems than weighing that much. there might be a medical reason, maybe a psychological reason. the point is that until the underlying problem is addressed, there isn't a chance for these people to just stop eating that much and lose weight. it's not going to happen.
and that, for now, is all i have to say on the subject.
Posted by: kara at September 28, 2005 08:16 PM
Yep, love is hard. If it were easy I wouldn't be here all time checking up on someone I really care about even if she no longer gives a toss about myself. But I won't give you a kudos to what you did--you don't want that anyway, you said so yourself.
Posted by: Exena at September 28, 2005 09:29 PM
It is hard and I'm glad you did what you did. I had one of those moments this morning when I quickly got aggrivated about something. Then the guy came down to the parking lot (he was blocking my car) and I found myself saying "It's okay. You have to park somewhere when you're moving."
He said I'm one of the few that didn't get mad. I think we need more people that are like you out there.
Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at September 28, 2005 10:35 PM
Can't I at least hate stupid people? At least the people who act stupid, anyway. I've got to have some kind of vice.
Thanks for the link to Melissa's blog. If what she wrote didn't blow my mind enough, all the people posting what they weigh did the trick.
Posted by: mrs at September 28, 2005 10:50 PM
i love you robin, and not just in a bloggy way. you are an awesome person. i have gone the easy way many o' time as well.
and i have PCOS AND IBS AND i am fat. it is not just a matter of making "healthy food choices" when you are on insulin and type 2 diabetes (early onset, weeee PCOS!). insulin keeps your sugars low so you don't lose your kidneys, but woah! insulin makes you fat. it is really difficult. i was "selfish" and got pregnant and now it is even harder for my body. NOT being fat for a lot of us is really really really hard no matter what "most health websites say". if only i could quit my job, have a nanny, work out 5 days a week and cook 3 healthy meals for my family i would be doing great.
sorry, i didn't even read the original post, and i am trying not to take the easy route.
lets let Poppy be an example to us all and be gentle with our fellow man.
thanks again, just thanks.
Posted by: jenB at September 29, 2005 01:13 AM
I came upon your blog last night and returned this morning to read more. You are captivating and I love this story....I'm not following the other debate with Michelle, but that's fine........I'm off to read lots more. I like what you have to say and how you so eloquently say it all! Great site - you are SO bookmarked, Poppy!
Karen
Posted by: Karen Rani at September 29, 2005 06:38 AM
i'm crying right now too...i was a single mom for years...and i always carefully counted my grocieries in the cart to avoid the embarrassing not-enough-money-at-the-checkout thing...(it happened..sometimes...even when i counted)...i pay attention always to the people in front of me to see what happens at the till...because it happened to me...and i kick in money for people that start doing the reverse grocery shopping thing...there have been lots of people who have been kind to me and my kids...and its important to give back....but man...when you see it...read it...its so heart breaking...
i'm so glad to read about your experience because sometimes i get so down about the bad in people...and your act of kindness is inspiring....thanks
Posted by: kate at September 29, 2005 07:44 AM
Thank you for posting that.
So many of us (self included) see opportunitites to help and to be kind and loving to other people, and we just walk away. You didn't, and that takes a lot of courage.
We all get impatient, we all feel the pity. You took action anyway, and that is a beautiful thing.
Posted by: EverydaySuperGoddess at September 29, 2005 09:16 AM
You are hands down the kindest person I know. Such a great example for those in the mood to pay it forward. Thanks for a great story, and thanks for all that you do to help people change their world for the better. Truly inspirational!
Posted by: Angie at September 29, 2005 11:21 AM
Amazing poppy, you should be very proud of yourself. You did the right thing =). Good things happen to good people... ;-)
Posted by: Crits at September 29, 2005 11:44 AM
Robin
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm a regular reader here and have never been moved to make myself known until now. Your story and your compassion and my sadness for the family brought tears to my eyes, at work nonetheless. I don't cry. Seriously, once or twice a year. You made me realize that not only is your writing as good as I've always known it to be but that I need to do something similar. You gave me the gift of the idea and someday soon I'll pay it forward to someone else in need.
Thanks, Stacy
Posted by: Stacy at September 29, 2005 11:57 AM
Can I pat you on the back about your writing? Cause that was pretty awesome.
Posted by: jess at September 29, 2005 12:11 PM
There's no other way to say it. Incredible story. Thanks so much...your words touched me deeply.
Posted by: Marybeth at September 29, 2005 04:28 PM
I cried too. Another person might not have written this story in such a gut-wrenching way.
I also saw the show Michelle referenced. It was either "The 627-pound woman" or "The Half-Ton Man". Quite a night.
Posted by: allison at September 29, 2005 05:09 PM
Food. It is amazing to me. It's sustenance, and it's poison. My head swims when I think about what is on my dinner plate sometimes-- what had to die to feed me, what impoverished person picked the strawberries that got moldy in my fridge, and how sick it is that I have money to throw away on food that I won't even be able to eat.
And that doesn't even take into consideration the BODY issues, and how all that is tied up in food.
Posted by: Julie at September 29, 2005 08:21 PM
Robin - thank you. You reminded me that it love through which we should view the rest of the world. As an ex-cop, it's hard for my cynicism not to take over most times.
As to the hatred of obese people, I can't even begin to comment. I've been in therapy for quite some time now trying to work out the head issues that lead to the weight issues. Hating someone because they are obese makes as much sense as hating someone because they have diabetes.
Posted by: Barefoot Cajun at September 30, 2005 03:12 PM
I love you robin, you never fail to remind us what's really important in life.
Posted by: Mina, that stalker chick at October 1, 2005 05:49 PM
I never did get that "negative attention is better than no attention" thing. I mean, not as an adult.
Posted by: PKB at October 2, 2005 08:18 AM
