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You've been exceptionally good to me for the past few years. Maybe it's because you're now in your 30s and have learned to exercise restraint while respecting your body. Perhaps motherhood has enlightened you to the importance of not behaving like a sailor on shore leave. As your liver, I want you to know that I whole-heartedly appreciate the level of care and love you have used in caring for me over the past few years.

That having been said, I think we need to have a talk. I'm tired, Robin. So very, very tired. I know you haven't done anything excessive. A couple of beers and a splash of bourbon during the course of a three and a half concert last night? Fine. But tonight? Tonight was too much. First you punish me with a flaming hot chile-encrusted beef dish at Pho Grand. But then ... then ... you just had to go to Absolutli Goosed. You just had to, didn't you?

Why do you hate me, Robin? Really. Why? What have I ever done to you?

Three cocktails. I know, it's not that excessive. You've done much worse. But after last night? I'm tired, Robin. So very, very tired. You wouldn't force your 80-yeara-old grandfather to run a marathon, would you? Of course not! So why do you expect me to work so hard, after all the years of service I've given you?

And don't think I can be appeased with frozen four-cheese pizza snarfed down at midnight. I'm not one of your low-class friends who gets excited over a three-pound tub of Laffy Taffy or a $1.50 package of tuna curry. I can't be bought with greasy, protein-laden processed foods. Oh, you can try, but I'll have the final say in this situation. This, I promise you.

I hear a nasty rumor that you have intentions of further abusing me with greasy diner food in roughly twelve hours. I just don't understand it. If I had a heart, you surely would have broken it by now.

Please, Robin. Handle me with care and love. I promise I'll make it worth your while. However, if you choose to continue on this path you have recently chosen, I'll make you feel like I'm trying to escape the prison of your body with a pick ax and a sledge hammer.

Your faithful liver,
Liver

PS - Your kidneys would like to have a word with you about the four cups of coffee and two large lattes you consumed yesterday. However, they are not as articulate as me. They're just floating in your lower back, giving you the finger.