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November 19, 2005
I Keep My Eyes Wide Open All the Time
I take for granted the degree of weirdness in my life. When weird is normal, it's easy to forget that not everyone lives this way. There are plenty of people whose friends and family don't do weird-ass things and make weird-ass choices on a regular basis. I absolutely loved Karen's comment on "Tales Too Ticklish To Tell": "Holy shitballs. Do you just feed a different family member crack every day so you have something to blog about? Cuz this shit doens't just happen....or does it?"
Oh, it just happens. At least it does in my world.
Today I experienced something that, even with my lax standards of weird, qualifies as Pretty Fucking Weird Right There. It wasn't something that just happened; it was a planned outing with a friend. Which is why I can't tell you about it; it's 100% out of respect for her privacy. She did give me permission to write about today and put it in any future books I might author. So, if you really want to know what happened, buy the book.
Last night I cried to B., "My God! Do you realize what I'm doing tomorrow? Do you realize just how weird and funny and unusual the situation is??? AND DO YOU REALIZE IT'S KILLING ME THAT I CAN'T BLOG ABOUT IT?!?!?!?!"
Yeah, I know you're all going to accuse me of being a tease. I completely deserve that, but I'm not talking about this to be malicious to you, my kind and gentle readers. I just wanted you to know that I did something today that was very odd, very weird and very fun and I hate that I can't share it with you, because you would love it. You really would. Just know that the entire time I was in the bizarro world of weirdness, I was thinking of you.
I will give you a snip of conversation that occured during this afternoon's events:
Me: It's okay. Really. I'm sure you aren't the biggest freak she's met today.
The clerk: Whew. You have no idea. You have absolutely no idea.
Me: Shit. I knew we should have got here earlier!
(No commentary from my friend, who was too busy turning herself inside-out with mortification.)
Anyway ...
In more normal news, my regular partner in crime and the luminous PKB partook in a showing of Walk the Line. First and foremost, it lives up to the hype. Really, really excellent.
Now, I'm not exactly a movie buff. This is the third movie I've seen in the theater this year. I can't remember the last time I watched a movie at home that wasn't Napoleon Dynamite. Well, except for a few minutes of The Muppet Movie, which B. introduced to Clara "It's a frog! Ribbit! Ribbit!" Jane today. To get me to the movie theater, it had better be something I'm dying to see.
Have I told you of my intense passion for Johnny Cash? He's on the extremely short list of people I truly admire. A few weeks ago, while working on the book project, I spent an afternoon writing about why, exactly, he gets to me the way he does. I'd thought about including what I wrote in this entry, but I think I'll wait. You know, because I'm a tease. It's just a bit too intense for right now. Maybe tomorrow. Point being, I love Johnny. I know his story. And I was still impressed by the film.
Several things, though, were amiss:
1. Apparently, I'm not allowed to flip people off while riding in Kara's car. I don't know how she expects us to get anywhere on time if my freedom of expression is shackled in such an extreme manner.
2. Showing up to the 7:20 showing of a new release fifteen minutes before showtime? Not smart. All my fault, too. I take full responsibility for us having to sit two rows in front of the screen. This presented some problems. For one, sitting so close to the screen turns every trailer, with their super-rapid edits, into a thriller. I read Memoirs of a Geisha; I don't recall it being an action-adventure tale of Schwarzeneggerian proportions. But from what I could see of the super-close preview, I think Jackie Chan might be portraying Chiyo.
And let me tell you, Jennifer Anniston's permanently erect nipples? Up close and thirty feet tall? Scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It's like being under threat of a torpedo attack, I tell you.
It goes without saying that, while Reese Witherspoon did a great job of capturing the fiery yet loving spirit of June Carter, I'm going to have night terrors tonight, having spent two hours being terrorized by the up-close, gigantacized Witherspoon Chin of Disaster and Mayhem.
The perk of sitting so close: spending two hours feeling like maybe, possibly, I was lying under Joaquin -Johnny. That was fun, but made for a dangerous situation. The larger, older gentleman sitting next to me is terribly lucky that I kept enough of my swooning wits about me to stop myself from doing horrible, perverse things to his arm, which kept creeping into my personal space. "I'm so sorry, Sir. I thought you Joaquin-Johnny. Please, I insist on paying to have your shirt dry cleaned. Sorry about the humping."
Until tomorrow, lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be.
Posted by Robin at November 19, 2005 11:02 PM
Comments
Tease woman, you are a tease. do you know how sick and perverted my mind is...my imagination shouldn't be allowed to run wild.
Posted by: mindy at November 20, 2005 02:02 AM
As I was lying in bed last night, I was thinking about the whole blog thing and I was thinking these women are damn funny and talented they should write a book. Then I was like wait a minute... there'd be no one buying it because it's free on the internet.
Posted by: Beth at November 20, 2005 11:02 AM
OH.
MY.
GAWD.
You went from making my week (linking to me - holy shitballs I've been linked by POPPY MOM - WICKED COOL!), to shattering me to a complete pile of salt. How could you? I can't buy your book to find out what happened. First off, it isn't written yet.
I am going to go cry buckets of tears while I pray and pray that your friend decides to change her mind. She must! Does your friend not know we need the scoop? Does she not know I cannot go another minute without knowing what happened?
In the meantime, I'm going to make up little stories in my head that *might* have happened to you and your friend, and those stories may or may not involve abduction and probes.
Crack on, sistah.
Posted by: Karen Rani at November 20, 2005 11:33 AM
Funnily enough, I got the new EW yesterday with the stars of WTL on it, and the first thing I thought was "Man, you could open a beer bottle with that chin..."
My friend Jeff had a similar experience when the first Batman came out. He'd been hearing about it for the two weeks it had been out, and finally went to a packed house, arriving two minutes before the show started. He had to sit in the first row, and behind him were a small class of mentally challenged children who whee-ed, grunted, and struck the back of his seat throughout. He used to tell a hillarious truncated version of the movie's plot that consisted of "...and then Michael Keaton's nose hair did something, and then from behind me '...j..J..JOKER! Heeeeeeeheeeheee!..."
I too am confounded by the "Geisha" trailer--was bullet-time characteristic of 19th Century Japanese culture? Equally (when you see HP4 you'll see what I'm talking about) confusing, who exactly is "Monster House" being marketed to? My 5yo was under his chair trembling during its preview, while as a supposed adult I thought it looked impossibly loud and juvenile.
The current WTF'er for me, trailer-wise, has got to be "Brokeback Mountain." Now understand, I want to see it. I think it sounds intriguing. Kudos for tackling a taboo subject, but...Huh? But who exactly...um...how many...people are gonna be lining up for this one? I saw it at a preview of "A History of Violence," ferchrissakes. Are there really that many Sin City/Lord of the Rings fans looking to see guys tonguekiss?
Posted by: robert at November 22, 2005 07:53 AM
OOOO, we're going to see Walk the Line on Friday! First movie I've seen in a theater since Igby Goes Down was playing at a Crybaby matinee when Bean was wee.
I adore Cash. So much so that when, last weekend, we heard a Django Reinhardt rip-off band playing a gypsy version of Ring of Fire it was all I could do not to grab the matches from near the grill and set fire to them, so mightily did it suck. I've *never* heard a truly bad version of that song before, but slowing it down and playing it all jangly really craps it up beyond all recognition. The Social Distortion version however, rocks.
Posted by: Liz at November 22, 2005 10:56 AM
