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December 01, 2005
On Days Like Today
You've been warned: there's a huge trainwreck ahead. There was a pity party on the train that got entirely out of hand and caused a huge derailment.
When I was a little girl, I was a total magpie. There was one sure-fire way to break my heart in those days: ask me to be quiet or, worse, utter that horrible, awful "ssssshhhhhhhhhhhh". It would set me into a crying jag of epic proportions every single time, no matter how happy I was as I chattered before being asked to pipe down.
All my life, that's been my biggest fear: feeling like I'm not being listened to or heard. Most of the fights and arguments, the broken relationships in my life have come down to this - if I feel like I'm not being heard, or someone's not listening, I fucking lose my shit.
I'm not even sure where this is going, so bear with me.
Every Thursday Clara Jane spends six hours at daycare while I go to the coffeehouse and write. I'm in the process of taking the first 15 months of my blog, most of which was filled with post-partum depression and anxiety, and I'm editing, rewriting and extending it into a book. When I hit a wall in that process, I shift gears and work on the proposal to sell this book.
Overall, I love my Thursdays. As much as I love my daughter and delight in her verbalness, I love getting a break from it. Six hours where I don't have one ear cocked at all times? Pure bliss. For the most part, I enjoy the writing, too, although it's really hard. In a lot of cases I'm returning to the worst time of my life and reliving it. It's sort of like digging at a deep scar with a blunt object. While it's not the searing pain of digging into a fresh wound, it's a different pain, a dull ache that doesn't go away once the poking stops at 2:45 PM, when it's time to fetch Clara Jane.
As much as I enjoy Thursdays, I despise Thursday afternoons and evenings. Clara Jane never takes enough of a nap at daycare and refuses to sleep when we get home. She's always cranky and whiny. And I am too, quite frankly. Shifting gears from writing to mothering is a lot harder than I expected. While I'm always glad to see her, my mind is never 100% here when we come home. It's still rewriting, editing and second-guessing everything I did during the day.
Since I only get this concentrated writing time once a week (and I missed last week because of the holiday, which is probably what's fueling this diatribe), I spend a lot of my writing time backtracking and trying to remember where I was, what I was doing, and attempting to decipher the caffeine-fueled chicken scratches in the margins of my notebook. I go back and read what I wrote the week before, things that felt so good and right when I wrote them, that inevitably sound stilted and trite a week later. So I rewrite the rewrite, feeling my wheels sink deeper into the mud.
Then there's the noise. I get relative quiet during my writing time, only to come home to a whiny, chatting, singing, babbling toddler who, bless her, never shuts up, just like her mother. Add a couple of noisy dogs who've been alone all day, and it's pure cacophony. The external noise of my life collides with the internal noise of my writing world, and lays me out flat on the floor every single time.
By the time B. got home from work today, I had my head on my desk, crying. The noise was simply too much.
Today I'm asking myself, is it worth it? A few weeks ago there was a comment on my blog along the lines of how blogging is going to put real writers out of business because why will people buy books when they can read it online for free. Very discouraging. But I also think of the first time I met Joe, and he said the opposite: that there will always be a place for books because there will always be a demand for good writing ... or something along those lines. I was too busy making an ass of myself at the time (since that's what I tend to do in Joe's presence) to memorize exactly what he said. Ultimately, I know he's correct, even if I can't remember what he said. I know in my case, the blog is nothing but a rough draft, a sketch of ideas that can be elaborated and polished into something worth the paper its printed on. Something that's worth its tangibility, which is lacking in the blog world.
But on days like today, I seriously question whether I'm capable of that. I work on this project one day a week. I mire myself in it. I dig myself graves with it. And I find myself asking: if a book is written in a coffeehouse in St. Charles, Missouri, by a loud-mouthed girl who never shuts up, will anyone read it?
I write for myself, first and foremost. Down to the magazine columns I've written - I write things I would like to read. That's why I left the magazine last sumemr: I was being asked to write things that I had no interest in, and I can't do that. I won't do that. But there's a limit. If a person dreams of being a doctor, does anyone say, "Practice medicine for yourself. It doesn't matter if anyone gets healed."? Of course not! But it's de rigour to tell writers, "Write for yourself. It doesn't mattter if anyone reads it." I do understand where that comes from, and lord knows I've said it plenty of times myself. But right now, if I'm going to be 100% honest, it does matter. To this girl who, from birth, has demanded to be heard, it matters a lot.
Writing is the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life. I never had a driving urge to be a wife, a mom, a video producer, a chef, a teacher, a student - any of the other titles I've held in my adult life. I only ever wanted to write. But on days like today, when I'm questioning my abilities, and whether I've got enough to give, can invest enough of myself, I can see that I'm putting myself in danger of experiencing my worst fear: I write the book - the one thing I have always believed with every fiber of my being I was put on this earth to do - I send it into the world (okay, to publishing houses and editors), and ... nothing. It doesn't register. No one listens. "Yeah, Robin, that one thing you have always thought you were put on this earth to do? We don't like it so much. Next!"
That's a great big sssssssssssshhhhh that I'm suddenly not sure I'm willing to risk hearing.
Posted by Robin at December 1, 2005 05:26 PM
Comments
i'm telling you, people want to read your book. :) well, except for tom cruise, but he's crazy. and not in a good way. he needs muzzled. because he's crazy and stupid.
so, yeah, except for tom cruise, book reading people will love you. :)
Posted by: kara at December 1, 2005 09:30 PM
Don't stop writing no matter what. Blogs will not overtake the reading world. People don't like e-books: if they did the hardware for them would not have failed o dismally.
Face it, people like to curl up with a good book and you just can't do that with a computer. Reading is as much a tactil experience as it is visual.
And when you finish it and it's in print, TOTALLY send Tom Cruise a copy! =snort=
Posted by: Thumper at December 1, 2005 10:13 PM
Oh, honey -- if you are compelled to write -- do it. You clearly have an innate gift to convey your thoughts through written word. I understand all of the self doubt, and the times that you want to throw yourself in front of a train because you're sure you have nothing of value to say to the world, but the reality is that when you're in the "zone," the rewards can be amazing. Writing is both vicarious and cathartic, which means it appeals to anyone who loves to write and/or read, and I for one would read your book. And, I DO NOT agree that blogs are going to take over -- they will only take over for people who can't tolerate sitting down and reading a book anyway. My roommate, mother, brother, father, lots of my friends and I are voracious readers, and that is never going to change, no matter what the medium. Blogs are but snippets, as you pointed out, begging to be fleshed out into longer pinings. There is something about just holding a book in your hands, sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of coffee and reading that will never have the ability to be duplicated by reading a blog. As you pointed out in your "Rent" story, they are two different mediums, and not everyone is drawn toward both -- but rest assured, there of those of us who would never give up the tactile, black and white feeling of holding a book while reading out on the deck in the sunshine. Keep on keepin' on, there, missy.
Posted by: Bluecat at December 1, 2005 10:46 PM
OK, I was just now staring at a blinking cursor having TOTAL AND UTTER overload because I have so much to fricken say in response to this (and so much more to ask/hear) that it's jamming my circuits. This is a way more meaningful and important reason for the two of us to get together for drinks right now, even moreso than the offer you extended to buy me a birthday drink! Let's do it. Our souls need to have a long conversation with each other I believe. I am going to make all my shit stick down on my calendar, and then start offering you some dates/times. Look for an email. 'kay?
Posted by: Stacey at December 2, 2005 10:16 AM
People are already listening. And it doesn't matter whether or not your book is a bestseller. It will be R-E-A-D. And it will be here for years to come. Don't be discouraged by fear!
Posted by: Julie at December 2, 2005 10:41 AM
As I *very* recently wrote to that friend I told you about: I have a great love of the physical book: its weight in your hands, the smell of the ink and paper, the susurrus of the turning pages....
There are many of us here. Love to read in all its forms, but the best way is a book.
Posted by: Jane at December 2, 2005 11:52 AM
The best evidence of your worries being unfounded is the following observation:
There's never a blip when I read your blog.
Almost everything bloggy I find on the web is blemished by a certain degree of amateurishness, a poorly turned phrase or mispelled (sp? lol) word that pulls me out of it. I read your stuff and I have to remind myself that I'm not on an actual newswire or a B&N excerpt.
The 'do it for yourself' chestnut derives from the self-preservation tactic that is required of all writers if they are to produce a single paragraph--the need to focus on the creating, rather than letting the 'getting published' part prove so daunting that you stop before you start.
But the questioning your abilities thing? Fuck that.
PS: Jane, Word. The smell of an old book store? Sniff...ahh...
PPS:I was discussing the future of the book with my class this week (a sliver of a larger conversation about the pitiful decline of Luddite art in the Digital Age). I was heartened to see that even the dopey 18 year olds, the ones who will actually decide this, all felt that books would always be around/couldn't imagine a world without them/couldn't reconcile an Ibook taking a hardback's place, etc. I felt so good after this that I didn't complain about gangsta rap the rest of the period.
Posted by: robert at December 2, 2005 02:24 PM
Nothing will ever take away books from me. I love reading things online but I love reading them "in person" (does that make sense) even better.
And although its hard and you only get to have your writing day one day a week, please stick with it. You have such a gift. I can relate to soooo much you say and you make me laugh and smile and pause and think and ponder and all that good stuff. Do it for you, but do it for us too.
Posted by: carrster at December 2, 2005 02:45 PM
Robin, you have to do it. You simply have to. This will be an itch that will not be scratched for you in any other way.
Not writing the book and not having it published has the same result in that no one will read it but the difference between the two is that you will learn and grow and be stimulated by the experience of writing. You won't get that if you don't try to write.
And maybe the first one doesn't get published. Write another. Maybe it's the second book you have in you that makes it.
I talked this week about taking a leap of faith. Take yours.
Posted by: DixiePeach at December 2, 2005 05:04 PM
When you get around to shopping that book:
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/
Posted by: Joe Greenlight at December 2, 2005 06:16 PM
I effing LURVE your blog.
I would buy your book AND pay UK-US postage.
Get it effin written or else!!!!!!
Posted by: Zoe at December 3, 2005 02:43 PM
Well, I, for one, would read it. And clearly, I'm not alone.
Robin, you are fabulous. We all have moments of self-doubt. I, like you, have only ever wanted to write. It is the way I make sense of the crazy frickin' world I live in. And although there is always some scary element to putting your voice out there, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Go forth to the coffee house and remember, you are the bomb!
Posted by: Lisa (Blah Blah) at December 3, 2005 05:22 PM
I love blogs for the immediacey. The real-life sense of never knowing what will happen next. But a book that you curl up in bed with, that takes you through that perfect arc of a story and sets you down at the end and lets your imagination do the rest? That will never be replaced. My God, I love books. I'm adoring them these days. If you publish, I will buy.
Posted by: jess at December 5, 2005 03:47 PM




