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January 01, 2006
Bennie Makes Them Ageless!
To no one's surprise we welcomed 2006 like the hardcore badass motherfuckers we are. We wore pajamas! We ate gumbo! We (okay, me) had a little lay-down! We knitted! We (okay, again, me) drank two - two!! - big-ass mugs of tea! Tazo Passion naturally decaf herbal infusion, Beeyotch! We went to bed at 12:30 in the AmotherfuckingM!
Yeah, I don't do New Year's Eve. I haven't gone to a New Year's Eve party since the year B. and I were dating. Once we were married, we no longer felt the need to partake in the amatuerness of it all. We reserve our public drunken reveling for Sadie Hawkins' Day. New Years Eve is for sitting around in our pajamas, occasioanlly with like-minded codependent friends.
Unfortunately, since we reside in the Redneck Jungle, it's impossible to insulate ourselves from the New Year's Eveness of it all. Most of our neighbors anxiously await December 31st because, really, when else are they going to have the opportunity to shoot any or all of the following: airhorns, bottlerockets, and/or guns randomly into the night sky? It's a magical evening that only happens once a year, and damn if my neighbors were gonna miss it.
If you don't remember my dunebuggy-building neighbors, I highly recommend you take a gander at that link so you know what you're dealing with.
The airhorn-blowing began around 11:30. While annoying, I do expect shit like that on New Year's Eve, so I didn't get too worked up about it (unlike B. and Clara Jane). It's the random weeknights when they're blasting that fucker that really piss me off. For an hour, we were subjected to what sounded like random freight trains blasting down our tiny street.
Now, this is what consistantly gets me about the dunebuggy builders - they're older. They're grandparents, and their infant grandchild lives across the street from them. It's bad enough that my kid gets to hear this shit at all hours. But they're subjecting their younger grandchild, who lives closer to them than we do, to it.
We've lived here for almost seven years, and this behavior has just started in the past year or so. Makes me wonder if the foray into grandparenthood has cause a bit of middle-age-craziness. Perhaps someone's feeling a bit long in the tooth and is grossly trying to overcompensate for the natural passage of time.
That being said ...
When we went to bed around 12:30, the airhorn blasts were becoming fewer and farther between. But as I laid in bed, I could hear thumping bass coming from that general direction. I could feel the vibrations in the wall behind our bed. From two houses and a street away. B. stepped outside to see what the rukus was all about, because sometimes my supersonic hearing fools me into thinking I'm hearing crunked-out basslines from neighbors two blocks away, when I'm really hearing the dog snoring.
Nope, I was right. They had their music cranked up in their massive dunebuggy-building garage. It was so loud that we were hearing it through the closed garage door, even.
Now, before I continue, I think you need to know about how this neighbor has decorated his van. You should know about the NRA trucker hat displayed on the dashboard. And the Calvin-urinating-on-Osama-bin-Laden sticker. And the NRA sticker, in case you missed the hat. And the Confederate flag sticker. And the "Guns kill people just like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat" sticker.
Think about those stickers, and imagine what kind of person would want to express these thoughts and ideas to the world.
Now, imagine that person, a grizzled 50+-year-old dunebuggy-building grandfather, locked in a cavernous concrete garage at nearly 1 AM, on New Year's Eve, celebrating by blasting Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets" at a neighborhood-deafening volume.
Honestly, I don't know whether to laugh at the absurdity of it, or cry for the angry redneck on the corner who's rocking his shit out to early Elton John in the middle of the night.
Posted by Robin at January 1, 2006 12:39 PM
Comments
That's the kind of bullshit that forced me into moving!
Posted by: Dixie at January 1, 2006 03:05 PM
I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head for a week! ARGH! Great stories - both of them - being a fairly new reader I hadn't read the 360 degree camel-toe post before - fuck you crack me up.
Posted by: Karen Rani at January 1, 2006 06:58 PM
now i have to say your neighbors sound a lot worse than mine. mine are just nosy as hell. but your new year's eve sounds fabulous *heh* we actually bought the skeleton key and march of the penguins late that night on ppv and i had a whole glass of wine! yipeee!
Posted by: Sarcomical at January 1, 2006 08:51 PM
Happy New Year you party animals you! (is there a parallel universe between the Poppy house and the Bouffant house, because that is about the level of party animalling that goes on here too)
Love the Dorothy Parker quotation!
Just got the CDs you sent! Thanks!!! Not had a chance to listen to them yet, but will do very soon, and very excited to be initiated into the world of Wilco. I'll keep you posted on my thoughts!
Mwah! Mwah!
Posted by: Zoe at January 2, 2006 02:46 AM
i've had bennie & the jets stuck in my head for 2 days now. :p
Posted by: kara at January 2, 2006 09:52 AM
And that's the kind of shit that has caused me to know the non-emergency police dispatch number without looking it up...they always ask if I want to be anonymous.
Posted by: Jane at January 3, 2006 11:41 AM
OMG! *dies laughing*
Posted by: Cass at January 5, 2006 11:41 AM




