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January 05, 2006
I'm a Little Bit Frightened ... And I'm a Little Bit Mortified
In my attempt to make 2006 The Year of Crafty Goodness, I'm working to improve my almost-non-existant sewing skills.
Okay, that's not entirely fair. After all, I did make the fabulous candy corn Halloween costume. Except for the rather biggotty-looking hat; B. made that. My granny taught me to sew the summer before eighth grade, and I was pretty good at it. That is, until I took a sewing class in ninth grade. The teacher spent a full semester informing me that the sewing method my grandmother - who'd been sewing longer than this teacher had been breathing oxygen - was All Wrong. She gave me the lowest grade I'd ever received in my gifted-class-attending life and that was the end of sewing for me. As a rule I don't do things I suck at. Life's just easier that way.
So I'm not sure why I've been on such a sewing bender lately. Since I learned to knit, I guess I've had it in my mind that I can probably learn to sew, too, just as long as some asshole doesn't come along and remind me several times a day that I'm doing it All Wrong.
While grocery shopping Monday night, I picked up this magazine:
I think it's obvious why I bought this. It's because it has information to help me learn the basic techniques, right?
Nope.
Okay. It's because it has basic skills for successful sewing, of course.
Nope, that's not it either.
It's gotta be the 16 easy-to-make projects. It has to be. Sixteen projects for a mere $6? Of course!
Not quite.
The real reason I bought it? Because I'll buy any magazine with pictures of pretty pillows made with Amy Butler fabric. Hell, I'd buy a magazine that had a picture of a death shroud or used tourniquette or old litter box liner if it was made with Amy Butler fabric. I figure that, if I can't figure out how to make the pillows, at the very least I can prop the magazine on my couch to give the illusion of pretty Amy Butler cushions.
Turns out this was a good purchase. I'm reading the magazine and learning a lot. I'm gaining confidence in my sewing skills and feeling good about myself as a human being. However, I'm bothered by something I found at the end of the magazine:
Hey Marie Osmond of TV's "Donny and Marie and, later, Donny & Marie: whatcha doin' with that soldering iron? Why are you smiling like that while you burn sparkly pink stones into that ass? Has your face moved since 1982? Do you always wear your pink immovable vinyl jacket casually around the house while working on simple yet dazzling craft projects? If I continue sewing, am I going to turn into you? Because if so, please give me my D so I can get on with my life. Thanks.
Posted by Robin at January 5, 2006 07:19 PM
Comments
Poor Marie, I mean, you open-mouth kiss your brother once or twice and the entire internets make fun of you for trying to put a little sparkle on your ass before your brother taps it.
Posted by: Julie at January 5, 2006 08:30 PM
ew. really? they kissed? open mouthed?
....ew....
i...did not know that.
ew
Posted by: annika at January 5, 2006 08:59 PM
i love the pretty pillow on the front of the magazine, too. :)
and, well, marie. there's just no reason for an "ez-glitzer". ever. *shudder*
Posted by: kara at January 5, 2006 09:12 PM
Hey! I bought that magazine, too! I'm also a knitter-turning-wannabe-sewer, except that you already know what you're doing. I totally plan to use the pillowcase pattern in the magazine, and I sent away for the sorta-free PJs pattern. Huzzah!
Posted by: D' at January 5, 2006 09:55 PM
No worries Robin. I think you have to be Mormon to turn into that. And yes, they do have imovable smiles, glitter laden jeans and freaky pink vinyl clothing. She's an icon, baby.
Posted by: Annie at January 5, 2006 10:04 PM
Wow, Marie Osmond is Mormon? I didn't know that either...
Posted by: Debbie at January 6, 2006 10:49 AM
I think the problem here is that you're assuming this is actually Marie Osmond, when in fact I believe they must have borrowed her likeness from a wax museum. No?
Posted by: Lisa (Blah Blah) at January 6, 2006 05:09 PM
She's a little bit country, he's a little bit rock and roll. Of course they kiss open mouth.
Posted by: m at January 7, 2006 12:37 AM
Paper Roses anyone...? That's crafty.
I wish I could knit. I suck at manual creativity....
Posted by: Sal at January 7, 2006 04:35 PM
