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First, I really can't think of anything my dogs do that merit reward. "Chloe, you did a fine job of sleeping 22 hours today and destroying our couch with your foul aroma. Here. Have a cookie." Or perhaps, "Murphy, you are so vigilent in your staring that you went twenty whole minutes without blinking! Snausages* for you!"

Second, when B. does, say, the kitty litter sniff tests, it's pretty easy to get the results. He fills out a form and describes the odor of the kitty litter**. I can already tell you that Chloe and Murphy are going to have some real trouble when it comes time to give their feedback. For starters, neither of them can ever find their #2 pencils, probably because Murphy ate them.

"I'm supposed to describe their reactions to the treats," B. explained to me, trying unsuccessfully to not roll his eyes.

"But B., they eat everything. I once watched Murphy eat an entire artificial Christmas tree. Her reaction to that wasn't much different than her reaction to those handfuls of meatloaf she gets from Clara Jane."

"Maybe the question on the form will pertain to the amount of finger the dog bites while trying to get to the treat. With the original formula of this treat, Chloe would chomp down to my third knuckle when I gave it to her. But with the new version, she only gets to the middle knuckle. Obviously, the new product is inferior."

That's the kind of knowledge one gets with a masters degree in engineering.

We're going to be out of town this weekend, which means man's best codependent friend will be dogsitting. And by "dogsitting" I mean she'll be caring for my dogs. Sometimes "dogsitting" is a euphemism, which is good to know when acquiring a dogsitter, lest you come home and find something so mortifying that you join your dogs in hiding under the dining room table for three hours. But I digress. During this weekend's dogsitting, she'll have to give the dogs their treats and have to note if they refuse to eat the treats. Or if it affects Murphy's staring. Or Chloe's stinking. Or if they go blind, develop convulsions, break out in boils or start barking in tongues.

Dogs love shuffles***.

1. Foolish Love - Rufus Wainwright
2. The Deepest Blues are Back - Foo Fighters
3. Hungry Eyes - Merle Haggard
4. Sing Sing Sing (With a Swing) - Benny Goodman & His Orchestra
5. Time - Tori Amos
6. The Darker Days of Him & Me - PJ Harvey
7. Rip This Joint - Rolling Stones
8. Sunshinin' - The Vines
9. Drop Down Mama - North Mississippi All-Stars
10. Fat Bottom Girls**** - Queen

*Not the actual product being tested. In fact, this product is made by a competing company and I probably just got B. fired by providing free advertising for the competition.

**I'm not supposed to call it "kitty litter". That phrase is verboten. B.'s definitely losing his job right now because of me.

***For any new readers, every Friday I set my iTunes software to shuffle and post the first ten songs that come up. You're welcome to shuffle, too.

****If I ever come into a great deal of money, I'm going to hire a valet to walk behind me with a boom box blasting this song at all times.