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March 05, 2006
Frugal
The outpouring of love and concern during my recent unfortunate absence is staggering, really. Much heartfelt gratitude to those of you who emailed or called to express concern. All three of you.
I did a lot of thinking over the past few days, because what else was I going to do between hours of coma-like sleep and innard-escape episodes? A girl can only stare at the weave of the fabric on her pillowcase for so long before before something goes traipsing across the fevered expanse of her brain. Really, this was a good time for me to get solidly nailed by the flu bug that's been floating through my system for weeks, because I had a lot of things in my head that needed organizing. Granted, I would have preferred to do the mental housekeeping without the 1:30 A.M. Screaming Devil-Pukes, but oh well.
The first one big thought thing is good. Really good. March 10th is a magic day. It's the day that B. and I will finally become financially solid. Not rich. Sweet lord, no. But some things have aligned, and suffice it to say that we're going to see several large debts shimmy into the sweet, sweet black. "Goodbye, Motherfuckers!" you'll hear us cackle, waving title deeds wildly in the air.
This has been a long, long time coming. We live pretty frugally, really, and I've come accustomed to the odd looks, even eye-rolling, that comes with it. I get asked all the time why I don't have an iPod or a laptop, or why, until recently, I used a five-year-old digital camera that used floppy disks for memory. Because new toys cost this thing called money, that's why. If we hate our neighborhood, why don't we just move? Becuase, like the toys, it requires that money thing once again. That's also why I patch my jeans, buy most of my daughter's clothes from Target clearance, only cut my hair two, maybe three times a year, own one six-year-old vehicle, cook most of our meals from scratch, utilize the hell out of our incredible local library system, and haul ass to get to the zoo early in the morning before they start charging admission for the good parts.
B. and I made some decisions about seven years ago that led to this way of life. They weren't bad decisions; they were smart decisions made because we'd learned from the bad decisions we made before we met each other:
1)When I moved to St. Louis, I didn't want to continue with my previous career. I was so incredibly lucky that B. was willing and able to support us while I went to culinary school (and paid for it in full), started my company (with no loans), wrote, had Clara Jane, quit my regular writing job, and closed my company. We would have been richer, financially, had I stayed in my career, but the rest of our lives wouldn't have been as happy. If that means living down the street from the dune buggies, so be it.
2)We opted to buy a house we could actually afford, instead of one that made us look good. If that means we have more used car lots than Starbucks drive-thrus in our neighborhood, so be it.
3)No matter how badly we wanted something, over the past five years if we couldn't pay in cash, we didn't get it. No new debt. In five years. Yeah, it would be nice to have a laptop of my own instead of occasionally borrowing B.'s work one, but guess what? It hasn't killed me. Didn't even injure me.
This is starting to sound like some Suze Orman financial lecture, and that's not what I want. I'm not qualified to write that, not by a long shot. I'm just trying to say that, after all these years of sacrificing instant gratification, we're about to reap the benefits. From this vantage point, I can honestly say that I'm glad we chose this particular path because, let me tell you, it feels good. What we have is ours. We paid for it. Our mamas and daddies didn't pay for it. The bank didn't pay for it. We did it. We earned it. We deserve it. That feels better than any cute $50 shirt purchased on a whim ever felt.
The funny thing is, in the past week B. and I have both had several attacks each where we've panicked about money. Thoughts of, oh God, what if we made a mistake? What if there's some big bill we forgot? My stupid cousin lost her house a few months ago because she's an idiot and forgot about her mortgage, even though they lived in that house for 15 years. Seriously. Forgot the fucking mortgage. We don't have any mortgages we're not aware of, do we? No? Are you sure? We're relishing this last little bit of paycheck-to-paycheck adrenaline before it - God willing - becomes a thing of the past, something we look back on as a part of our salad days dues-paying.
I was emailing a friend last night, and I wrote about paying a visit to my neighborhood Aldi's last week. I hadn't been there since last September. In fact, I'd forgotten about that incident, the little family in front of me who couldn't pay for their groceries. But it came rushing back to me in the store last week. As I looked around at my fellow shoppers, filling their carts with 25-cent cans of soup, this thought crossed my mind: "After this week, I never have to set foot in this store again."
And I stopped cold. I don't want to be that person. I don't ever want to think that, because my wallet's a little cushier, I can buy the priviledge of not seeing poverty. I don't ever want to forget what it feels like to watch a family putting back food for their child because they can't afford it. I don't want to forget what it feels like to give the grocery bags I brought from home to the elderly woman in line behind me so that she won't have to spend money on her own. I don't ever want to take my lucky, blessed situation for granted. To do so would be a disgrace to people whose situations aren't as good, and a disgrace to the work B. and I have done to get where we are.
It's funny how this - I hate to say sudden, because it's not sudden; it just feels sudden after years of gradual progress - financial solidity is changing the way I look at everything in my life, especially people. I'm suddenly seeing parallels in how people treat money and other people. When I was broke, I was always more than willing to fling money I didn't have around for friends and acquaintences, or on crap for myself that I really didn't need. It wasn't until this afternoon that I understood why - so I would at least look like I had money. Likewise, I threw my affection around. Dated guys I probably wouldn't have dated otherwise, stayed in sick friendships, and spent of myself until my soul was broke. But the more love I show, the more likely people will believe that I'm loved in return. The more likely I am to believe it myself.
Hello. I'm that friend that you call when you need a place to crash. Or need to rant. Or to be entertained and amused. Or need a recipe, a restaurant recommendation, tickets to a concert or a housesitter. I'm the one who'll lend you books, lend you time, lend you money for lunch. I'm the one you call in the middle of the night because you know she'll answer the phone, no matter how late it is, the one who will open her entire thorax for you, if it might make you feel better about yourself or give you a chuckle.
I'm that friend who fell off the face of the world and you didn't notice until you needed something.
My financial frugality served me well. Now it's time to start exercising some emotional frugality. Stop shoving 20s down the pants of disinterested strippers, and invest them in those who will give me a real return.
Posted by Robin at March 5, 2006 08:30 PM
Comments
What a beautiful post! Congratulations on all the hard work and sacrifice paying off for you all. I am trying to get to the same place - emotionally as well as financially, so it is good to see someone who has made it to the top.
Posted by: Suzy at March 5, 2006 10:02 PM
I'm so proud of you. I'm so bad with money and I really admire you and B for your planning and frugality. My mom (who you know isn't short of a buck or two) always shops at discount supermarkets - it makes her happy to save pennies - always will, no matter how much she has.
Emotionally you blow me away as always - you're so wise woman! I know what you mean about throwing love around....been there - done that - people pleasing left right and centre - and you can show me the way to be more emotionally mature as well as give me money saving tips!
I'm so glad you're my friend. Love you and can't wait to see you.
Sal x
Posted by: Sal at March 6, 2006 04:46 AM
That paragraph that starts with "And I stopped cold."? Its beautiful.
Glad your back.
Posted by: stillheidi at March 6, 2006 06:13 AM
Wow. Intense and...thought-provoking.
I figured you were taking a break as things had been extra-hectic of late and wouldn't want a stalker.
Posted by: Jane at March 6, 2006 08:20 AM
Robin, I'm glad that you are reaping the benefits of your responsibility! Whatever else is up... I hope that it resolves itself in short order. Sometimes, life is just a process of continual reflection and resolution, especially that emotional part. I know I never seem to have that part right!
Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2006 08:54 AM
Hope you're feeling better very soon!
Posted by: Exena at March 6, 2006 08:57 AM
i also hope you're feeling better. that flu sounds like it was a rough one.
Posted by: kara at March 6, 2006 09:30 AM
Good to see you back Poppy. :) Congratulaions on the financial stuff-- it can be a long hard road sometimes, can't it? It must feel wonderful to know what you've achieved.
Posted by: Annie at March 6, 2006 10:36 AM
Going through financial rough stuff can be emotionally crippling (believe me, I know), so I can appreciate the deep sighs you and B are no doubt doing.
Isn't it funny how we let stuff like that define us? This is why I like talking to barflys, because they made a conscious decision to not give a fuck. They don't care what people think of them, they probably sleep better at night, and they never seem to panic over anything. I've often wondered how productive these same people would be without the booze/low self esteem/mental illness, and I'm convinced that many of them would be blissful even just a step above rock bottom. My imagined rock-bottom is downright glamorous compared to most people. Keeps my ass in check.
Posted by: Joe Greenlight at March 6, 2006 11:57 AM
It's a grand feeling when you're financially sound. When the threat of sinking under bills is gone from your life completely you have so much more freedom. I haven't been in debt for a thing in nearly ten years and now I can't imagine living any other way.
But I also know that not everyone can do it easily and they struggle to get their finances in order. It's important for me not to shame them by gloating that I have done it and to instead encourage them. I know most of them are doing the best they can and have and will fail before they get it right.
When I got my finances in order I made the rule that I would never lend anyone money that I wouldn't just outright give it to. While the vast majority of the time I could trust the person I lent the money to, sometimes they'd fail and disappoint me and either pay me back late or not at all and while I'd be disappointed I'd also not have any grudge to hold because the person to whom I lent the money would be someone worthy of my simply giving it to them.
I think we become emotionally free when we give friendship in the same manner. If we give it for the wrong reasons, for example to make ourselves look good, we're going to get burned at some point and it's going to scar for good. If we give it with the understanding that it's given without expectation of it being returned even though we trust that it will, when we get disappointed because the other party has let us down we can continue without grudges.
Sorry I'm hogging up your comments here but you've just struck a chord with me, Robin. I've been struggling for the past 18 months or so with being the type of friend I know I should be. I have hit a slump that's been difficult for me to emerge from and these reminders that I need to be more diligent are important to me. Thank you, Robin, for writing in a way that teaches us something important.
Posted by: Dixie at March 6, 2006 02:50 PM
That was a great post which struck a chord with me. I've been trying to extricate myself from 7 years of debt (due to this time called my "20's" where I thought I could produce my own indie films - *sigh* - and I'm nearly there. I am counting the days and working my butt off to reach the goal which you're reaching now and I can't wait. And while this whole thing has sucked it feels INCREDIBLE to get out of it myself. I really appreciated this post and can relate on so many of it's points. And as usual - beautifully written. :-)
Posted by: carrster at March 6, 2006 03:18 PM
Well personally I'm a big shit compared to most of your friends. I figure you wanted space from most and I stayed away... Where is that line where we like that people ask if we are okay or its annoying cause we don't want to have to explain yet... its a hard line to see... I guess sometimes it is relevent on one's own feelings. If they feel they'd have the ability to shine a light on someones bad day, week, year, life. Or if they figure there are other stacks on the totem who fill that spot instead.
Posted by: mindy at March 6, 2006 03:24 PM
Like Mindy, I thought there was something up, but I took it the other way and wondered if you had blocked me from obsessively reading your blog :)!
When my ex-fiance got hit by a car, twice, on his bike, (Ah, sweet, sweet karma) he was able to pay off the bills he was supposed to take care of when we split. We were both SO happy-financial solidity is a wonderful thing.
And why, in my 20's, did I blow so much cash at Urban Outfitters? or Tower Records? Now, I can't imagine spending as much money as I did at the bar 10 years ago. And how did I stay awake long enough to close it down?!
Congratulations, Poppy. I'm sorry you were sick. If it makes you feel any better, I woke up this morning, wiped my face, and realized my nose had been running in my sleep. Yes, snot was all over my face. It was a gross, gross moment, one that I hope to never experience again.
Posted by: allison at March 6, 2006 07:01 PM
Suzy, we're not on top yet; just not at the bottom of the heap anymore.
Joe, I think that making the decision to not give a fuck what others think is the first big step in solving most of life's problems, especially financial ones. Your barflys without the booze/mental illness/etc are really successful people, I would just about guarantee.
Dixie, I agree about not gloating and being encouraging. Gloating and shaming never helped anyone. I also agree with the money-lending policy. In fact, I try to apply that policy to anything I lend, because I don't have the time or energy to chase my shit.
However, I've got to disagree a bit with your friendship assessment. As much as I would like to be able to give friendship the way I give other stuff, I just can't do it. It's too complicated for that. Besides, there's a fine line between being generous with your friendship and affection, and being a doormat. I've found that, unfortunately, if I'm giving friendship in that manner, it tends to attract people who will take advantage of it without reciprocating. It's usually not a malicious thing; they just don't get it.
And sweetheart, you can hog my comments anytime. I always love to read what you have to say.
Jane, Mindy, Allison - Any sincere expression of concern is never, ever wrong. I appreciate where you're all coming from, though. I've reacted similarly plenty of times myself. No biggie.
Oh, and Allison? I wanna know who was driving the car(s) that your ex encountered. Sorry about the snot. Between Clara Jane and me, we're swimming in it over here.
Posted by: Poppy at March 6, 2006 10:31 PM
i've been sitting here for a while with my fingers resting on the keyboard trying to form some kind of response that would be thought provoking like this blog entry. but, the fact is, i just don't have it in me right now. so i'll just say what i know...
i've been right by your side at the thrift stores when you haggle over whether to buy 3, 4,5, or 10 for a dollar books for Clara Jane. been there when you tilted your head upward as you counted the months until summer and wondered if a sundress would fit Clara Jane when the weather turned.
it was you who drooled over the discount bags at the purse walmart with me. which one do you like better, this one or this one? then walk out without either because we figure if we don't love it, we don't need it.
so, yeah, it is high time all of your penny pinching pays off.
and about your tough spell....i just hope somewhere in your heart you know how much i adore you and that if i don't reach out when i should, please charge it to my head and not my heart.
Posted by: pkb at March 7, 2006 10:21 AM
This has got to be the most inspirational and thought-provoking thing I've read in a long time. Thank you for taking the time to share these experiences with us. Poppy...I don't know if you know this or not...but this is what you need to write your book on. Dang. I was wowed. Once again, I'm reminded how special you are. Love ya and I'm glad you're feeling better.
Posted by: Marybeth at March 7, 2006 10:41 AM
oh and how martha fockin' hot is joe greenlight that he totally gets it? yowza.
Posted by: pkb at March 7, 2006 11:46 AM
Robin, I think we're on the same page regarding friendship more than you think. Don't extend yourself - lend your friendship and affection - to those who don't reciprocate and it truly hurts and bothers you when they don't. Just like you don't lend money to those who you know won't pay you back and you know hurt you when they don't pay back, don't lend the affection to those who only want it and won't return it. It's those who you would freely give your affections to without even considering whether you get repaid in the same way or a timely manner who deserve it. You don't feel like a doormat then.
Does that make sense? Maybe it only makes sense in my head! Heh!
Posted by: Dixie at March 7, 2006 03:20 PM
