<

My mom told me a story during our regular morning phone call. It seems my dad has made two new friends. This isn't unusual. My gregarious nature comes directly from him. Earlier this week, he was at his local hardware store when he found a little old woman who was looking to buy a shovel. They started talking - I'd like to say that I don't know how or why, but I do know, because I do the same thing. He probably said, "Hey there. You gonna dig a hole?" She told him that she intended to do some gardening, but had discovered her old shovel was too dull to dig. No problem, my dad said. Here's my address. Bring it out sometime and I'll sharpen the blade.

The next day, my mom looked out the window to find two old ladies in their driveway, looking rather lost. She went outside and sure enough, it was dad's new hardware store pal, looking to get her shovel sharpened. Her friend drove her. At least, that's what she told my mom. I think she really brought the friend to make it more difficult for my dad to hit her with the shovel, sharpen it, and bury her in the back pasture.

Long story short, Dad sharpened a shovel. Old ladies will soon be bringing their grandkids so Dad can take them on a carriage ride. No one will be buried.

Not two hours later, Clara Jane and I were at Target. I was gazing at an endcap display of Pepperidge Farms cookies when I heard, "Excuse me? Miss? Excuse me?" I looked down the nearest aisle and saw an old woman in a wheelchair, holding a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread in her lap. "I need a second loaf of this bread, but I can't reach. Would you mind getting it for me?"

Of course I wouldn't mind, but I made her promise that she wouldn't yell at my kid while I was standing on my tiptoes, digging for bread. "Did you notice the cinnamon raisin bread on the top shelf is cheaper? In my experience, it's better than the one you have. Would you rather I get two loaves of that for you," I asked. Of course! She scooted over and I jumped - have I mentioned that I'm barely 5'3" tall and I was wearing a very flat pair of driving mocs? - and launched myself toward the bread, certain that I'd need to borrow her chair once I came crashing down into the bread display, breaking at least three limbs in the process.

But I didn't crash. I grabbed the bread, steadied myself, and started toward my cart and Clara Jane when I heard, "Excuse me, Miss? Can you help me, too? I need these cookies and I can't reach." At the opposite end of the aisle, blocked by the wheelchair, there was yet another eldery lady, stooped and tiny, pointing to a box of Nilla Wafers on the top shelf.

"Sure. Hold on. I'll come around from the next aisle," I said, since I didn't want my new wheelchair-confined friend to have to wrangle out of our way, especially considering that I am a giant among the elderly. Literally, I tower. I grabbed my cart and ran - that's running and leaping, all in the same day! - down the next aisle, careened around the corner, and found a security guard, easily a foot taller than me, retrieving the cookies for the second old lady.

Afterwards, I invited them to my house for corndogs and tequila shooters. We're making plans to form a posse that puts cranky-ass old bitches in their place. I think I'll see if Dad will let me borrow his new old friends, and I hope they know how to wield a shovel.

In the meantime, we're shuffling with Beatrice the iPod. And we're also shuffling around the house in our slippers, eating Nilla Wafers and raisin toast before turning in promptly at 8:20 PM:

1. Love and War (11/11/46) - Rilo Kiley
2. Misty - INXS
3. Take Control - Weezer
4. Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan
5. Ingrid Bergman - Billy Bragg & Wilco
6. Wish You Were Here - Ryan Adams
7. Particle Man - They Might Be Giants
8. Hang on to Yourself - David Bowie
9. Liquor, Beer & Wine - Rev. Horton Heat
10. Rip This Joint - Rolling Stones