« The Secret Life of a Bee-Eating Dumbass | Main | Friday Shuffle - The Making Me Think at 80 MPH Edition »

April 12, 2006

The Five Stages of Grief as they Pertain to an Unfortunate Choice of Beverages at Starbucks

This morning I decided to forgo my usual boring latte in favor of Starbucks' new green tea latte. What transpired might require extensive psychological treatment. All that treatment I endured for post-traumatic stress disorder last year has been completely undone by one little hot beverage. To whit:

Stage One: Denial
"No! Surely it's not as bad as it seems. I'll just take another sip. It probably something with that hippy-dippy toothpaste I insist on using. That's got to be what's making this beverage taste like someone left a dead carp in the milk steamer."

Stage Two: Anger
"Motherfuckers! Who the fuck is stupid enough to think green tea and hot milk would be a good idea? It has a hint of melon ... hint of melon??? I WANT THE HEAD OF THE FUCKING BEE-EATING DIMWIT WHO CONNED ME INTO SPENDING FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS ON A DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE HOT CARP-STUFFED HONEYDEW, GODDAMMIT!"

Stage Three: Bargaining
"Okay, God. Here's the deal. If you make this big Venti paper cup of hot frothy koi pond water palatable, I'll never use the phrase "fucking bee-eating dimwit" ever again, no matter how badly someone deserves it."

Stage Four: Depression
"It's no use. The taste of seaweed is going to be forever imprinted on my tongue, marring everything I try to ingest for the rest of my life. I'm screwed. Starbucks is no longer a happy place for me. And what am I without my happy place? I'm just a poor slob, drinking hot milked-up algea-water and paying out the nose through it. I suck. I deserve to empty my wallet in the name of really crappy beverages. It's my punishment for being too stupid to see the obvious: this drink is a giant April fool's joke, and I fell for it. Drink up, Moron!"

Stage Five: Acceptance
"Hey, I'm getting used to the fish taste, and I can really feel the antioxidents working!"

Posted by Robin at April 12, 2006 01:40 PM

Comments

We have a Starbucks here now. It only took a million years.

I want to thank you for potentially saving me from spending $90 with my therapist lamenting my choice to stop at Starbucks when I could have gone to Mom n' Pop. My therapist wants her ninety bucks, though.

What should I get at Starbucks, though? If I stop, that is. Hypothetically and junk.

Posted by: coolbeans at April 12, 2006 02:46 PM

I love soothing hot beverages, so I always order green tea when I am at a Japanese restaurant. I never really like it, beyond the warmth, but it just seems like the thing to do. I don't eat fish that tastes fishy, so why do I drink tea with the same flavor?

Posted by: Melissa at April 12, 2006 03:21 PM

Coolbeans, if you've got access to a good mom n' pop coffeehouse, stick to them. I try to only go to Starbucks if there isn't a good locally-owned independent coffeehouse nearby. But if you do venture into Starbucks and want something a little different than what you can get elsewhere, I'd recommend the cinnamon dolce latte. It's way sweet, but yummy.

Melissa, I'm glad I'm not the only one who things green tea tastes fishy. Awhile back I was reading a tea website that recommended brewing green tea with water that isn't boiling. I tried that with the green tea that was left over from a Tazo variety pack, and it the best green tea I've ever had. In fact, when I ordered that green tea latte, I thought, "The water's gonna be too hot at it's gonna taste like crap."

You have access to what remains my all-time favorite coffeehouse, Lakota. I moved to St. Louis seven years ago and I still crave their southern pecan cafe au laits. Luckily, I'll be swinging by there on Friday. Cannot wait!

Posted by: Poppy at April 12, 2006 03:43 PM

At knitting group on Sunday, one gal ordered that very same drink, and said it tasted like cigars. I, who can usually be fooled by pretty color combinations, and who wore a green tea colored wedding gown, resisted the urge to try it.
And, cinnamon dolce lattes are off the menu, but many places (Target on Hampton) still have the syrup and will make you one if they see the homicidal look in your eyes.

Posted by: allison at April 12, 2006 04:05 PM

You already answered my input - Starbucks makes the water too hot for good green tea-which I drink everyday and love. If I have to pay good money for a Starbucks drink, I make sure it has chocolate in it. That way, for a $4.00 investment I get to feel guilt financially as well as calorically - what a deal.

Posted by: Suzy at April 12, 2006 04:25 PM

Milk in green tea? Foamy, hot milk in green tea? Yech. Starbucks needs to stick to coffee.

For tea to be its best the water does have to first reach the boiling point but green and white tea should not have boiling water used on them. Bring the water to boiling and then turn the heat off the kettle and let it sit for a bit. 90°C is the right temperature it should cool to but since no one has a thermometer around for such things just let it cool for a couple minutes.

Posted by: Dixie at April 12, 2006 05:38 PM

So, am I right in supposing that carp-stuffed honeydew has been removed from your Easter menu?

Posted by: Summer at April 12, 2006 10:19 PM

You've just saved me $3.45. Thanks!

Posted by: Marijean at April 13, 2006 08:58 AM

Whatever the fuss is about green tea, me no get. Green tea with milk in it sounds even worse. I do love a nice chai latte from Whorebucks though.

Posted by: Julie at April 13, 2006 09:02 AM

Thanks for the laugh...unfortunately I was in a coporate training seminar when I read it! LOL

Posted by: AB at April 13, 2006 09:48 AM

My current favorite way to make tea involves my beloved Senseo single-cup coffee brewer. Next to my iPod, this is my favorite machine in the world. Lipton, Melita and Archer Farms (Target's store brand) have recently introduced tea pods that brew single cups of tea. Yeah, I know, Lipton. Blah. I haven't drunk Lipton tea since my great-aunt retired from working for them, thus bringing an end to my free tea supply, which served me well when I was poor. Since the single-cup machines have a consistant water temperature and use the same amount of water and time with each brewing, the tea pods have been formulated to take advantage of this consistancy. It makes for a really great cup. The fact that I love the Lipton green tea pods says a lot. They're yummy. Target's Earl Gray? Even better.

I'll let y'all in on a little secret. A few years ago, when all the hype started about how good white tea is for you, I was assigned an interview with a local tea expert. This was shortly before the bigger tea companies, like Republic of Tea, Tazo, Numi, etc. came out with affordable white tea. The only ones available were super-expensive. She told me that all tea - black, green or white - has the same health benefits. One kind isn't any better than another. All the hype about green and white tea is solely because they bring a higher profit than black tea.

Posted by: Poppy at April 13, 2006 09:52 AM

Thanks for saving me the trouble! I almost ordered one over the weekend. Stayed with the strawberries & cream. Mmmmm....

Posted by: Roni at April 13, 2006 02:57 PM

Coolbeans-First thing I get at Starbucks is a white chocolate mocha, with whip cream. the other good hot drink to get from Starbucks is a Caramel Machiatto.
If you want a cold drink caramel frappucino extra caramel, you'll die and go to heaven.
Poppy- Thankfully my Starbucks was kind enough to offer that green slime as a tester, so I tried it and instantly tossed it...who lost their taste buds before taste testing that one? BLEH! I tried to warn a guy sitting next to me that he wasn't going to like it and right after he took a sip he shot me a look like "what the frack did I just ingest?"

Posted by: Sara at April 13, 2006 07:32 PM

Ooh, I am glad you warned us. I saw a picture of it the other day and thought it looked yummy, but now I know I need to resist.

Posted by: Nancy at April 14, 2006 10:15 AM

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who thinks green tea is kife. :)

Posted by: Karen Rani at April 14, 2006 11:25 PM

Yep. Totally nailed it. Effing koi-pond in a cup. I loves me some green tea, but that stuff was vile. I was really looking forward to it, like prom and turning 30. What a letdown.

Posted by: Joe Greenlight at April 15, 2006 04:43 PM

You are so brave and have done so much for the rest of us unsuspecting consumers. Thank you so much for learning that lesson for the rest of us!

Posted by: Joie at April 17, 2006 07:42 PM

This sounds uncomfortably like a comedy routine I used to do lamenting the omnipresence of rice or grain in every Southern meal, and the inevitability of Grit Cola. With Richard Petty as their pitchman, of course ("I warsh down my Goody powders with Grit Cola--the lukewarm, refreshingly lumpy taste of Grits...In Cola!").

The difference of course being that some fuckhole actually created Green Tea Latte.

Posted by: The Newly Shorn Bob at April 18, 2006 02:23 PM

I've always known in my heart of hearts that it would taste disgusting. Now I have proof. 1) Nothing you (I) drink should be that color. 2) Green tea and milk? 3) For that price? No thanks. For me, heaven is a latte made with Stumptown beans at the Ugly Mug.

Posted by: jess at April 18, 2006 02:59 PM

I make green tea lattes at home. It's really easy--a bit of hottish water mixed with green tea powder. Then I add warm vanilla soy milk, a packet of splenda, and a dash of vanilla extract. Dee-lish, and not at all fishy-tasting!

Posted by: Kim at April 25, 2006 10:27 AM

Am I alone here? I tried the green tea latte and really liked it. I'm not a big fan of green tea, but this was good, not fishy tasting, a little sweet and I thought it was very tasty. I would buy one again.

Posted by: kelly at May 8, 2006 02:54 PM

Alright, Seattle's Best Coffee also has a green tea latte.. and while i have not had starbucks', Seattle's is amazing.
Milk is regularly added in teas, usually green. I believe its a French custom.
And it tastes GOOD!
~Lydia

Posted by: Lydia at May 16, 2006 09:12 PM