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To avenge the flesh of my arm, which is currently morphing from blue-black to yellow-green, we left Clara Jane with my parents and headed to Gauchos in Columbia, where B. and I were to partake in many cooked animals. This was our first foray into Brazillian cuisine, and I'll spare you every bad joke that amounts to getting a Brazilian for Mother's Day.

Now, there are two Brazilian restaurants in St. Louis, Yemanja Brazil and Cafe Brasil. We've talked for years - as in, since before I moved to St. Louis seven years ago - about checking them out, but never have. When deciding on where to go for Mother's Day dinner, I opted for Gauchos in Columbia because, "We can't get Brazilian food in St. Louis!" To which B. just gave me a withering look that worldless said, "There are two Brazilian restaurants in St. Louis, one that's been there longer than you, and a second that you drive past regularly, you dumb, dumb lady." No matter. The menu on the Gauchos website was intriguing.

We arrived for our reservation and were seated at a table overlooking a little lake. On Mother's Day! Best seat in the house! I must be The Toddler Whisperer, too! First up, caipirinha, the national cocktail of Brazil. It's a delish concoction of sugar, limes, and cachaça, which is Portugese for "diesel fuel". What's Mama getting for Mother's Day? Mama's getting drunk, that's what she's getting.

There was an episode of "The Simpsons" about a decade ago, when watching "The Simpsons" was still an enjoyable activity, where the family was at a Renaissance Fair. At one point in the episode, Homer bragged about having eaten six kinds of meat in one day. Since then, that has been B.'s goal - to eat as many forms of meat, preferrably on sticks, in one day as he can without his every major artery blowing out like a bald tire on the interstate. While yesterday was Mother's Day, it was B.'s dreams that came true, for he was able to consume four - four - forms of meat in one meal! He wanted to count the black beans as meat to bring his total to five, but I wouldn't have it.

The main section of the menu consisted of metal skewers of flame-grilled meats. B. ordered the pork loin. I got a combo of chicken and beef filet, both wrapped in bacon. We intended to share our skewers so we could get all the meaty variety our struggling, straining hearts desired.

I had noticed that each table had a big stone block with holes drilled into it. It reminded me of this candleholder I have - it's stone with slots for nine tea lights. These stones didn't have candles, and I thought it might have been just an oversight

This was no oversight, for the stone? They do not hold candles. Oh no. The stones? They hold swords. Big, four-foot-long two-sided swords! That are filled with our meat!

Our server, a tiny little blonde college girl who might tip the scales at a whopping 115 pounds on a bad day, arrived at our table with two large plates and our meat daggers. She plunged the swords into the stone, whipped out a knife as big as my arm, looked at me and said, "How much meat shall I cut off the sword for you?"

Why, a whole cow's worth, thank you!

She placed the end of the sword on my plate with the handle towering over her head. On tip-toe, she held the handle in one hand while cutting the carnage onto my plate, then repeated the process with B. Once our meat had been properly de-sworded, she placed the swords back in the stone and left us to eat. Or swordfight.

At this point I looked behind me. Since I was facing the lake, I hadn't noticed the other tables in the restaurant, all of which had towering sword bouquet centerpieces.

The food? Incredible. Every aspect of the meal - the meat, the black beans and rice, the fried polenta and plantains, the lentil salad, the potato-tuna salad - all of it, was culinary perfection. And yet, B. and I couldn't get past one factor: how wise is it to serve what might be the most potent cocktail in the world, and then give the people drinking it large swords? Especially at a bar and grill in a college town. How many Friday night frat boy swordfights do they have to bust up?

And what time do they happen? Because I'd really like to see that.