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May 07, 2006
Chew On This
Clara Jane was born the day after Valentine's Day. You know, International Clearanced Candy Sale Day. That day, my granny purchased a Valentine's Day Double Bubble plastic bubblegum machine, shaped like a phone, and filled with pink, red and white gumballs. Now, usually Granny's pretty sharp, so I still don't understand why she was compelled to buy 50% off gumballs for a newborn. But she did, and since then, the gumball machine has sat on the changing table, still wrapped in its original cellophane.
I'm usually not overly sentimental about gifts. I try to always be gracious when someone gives something to me, but if it's not something that I need or like, into the rummage sale pile it goes. For some reason, I haven't been able to do that to the gumballs, up until recently. I've been doing my spring cleaning, and I've intended to stick a 10-cent pricetag on the gum and be done with it. I mean, it's not like it's the only gift Granny's ever given Clara Jane. There are the beautiful baby quilts she made from blocks my mom embroidered when she was young, the doll quilt, the fuzzy Snoopy blanket and pillow, and the hand-made tutu that she made from pink tulle left over from my parents' 1971 nuptuals. We're not going to miss this cheap plastic tub o' gum.
Problem is, Clara Jane recently fixated on this gadget. Friday morning, while I was talking on the non-gumball-dispensing phone to my mom, Clara Jane had every fiber of her being focused on removing the cellophane from the gumball phone. "I really should take that away from her," I told my mom, not moving from my chair. If I took away everything from Clara Jane that I should take away, I would spend my life doing nothing but taking things away from Clara Jane. "Oh, look. She pulled the cellophane off. Guess I'll have to price it at a nickel now."
In a grand moment of "Hey, Lazyass, you had that coming!", ten minutes later Clara Jane dropped the machine, its plastic top shattering into three jagged pieces, gumballs clank-clank-clanking against the hardwood living room floor. I swooped in, grabbing shards of plastic while using my house's sloping trajectory in my favor, kicking the gumballs so that they rolled under the couch. I made a mental note to pull the couch out during her naptime so that I could encourage the gumballs to keep on rollin' down the hill, through the dining room and, with any luck, straight out the back door.
Which means that, around 10:30 last night, B. pulled out the couch to sweep up the gumballs, along with enough animal fur to build a new cat, fused together with ABC gum.
My plan partially worked. Sort of. The gumballs did roll around our slanty, slopey house. Unfortunately, they didnt' roll out the door. Instead, they rolled directly into the gaping maws of my gum-starved idiot dogs.
Apparently, those years of licking their own asses have left my hounds feeling less-than-fresh, because let me tell you, they chewed that gum as if their lives depended on it.
*smack smack smack*
Dogs. Chewing gum.
*smack smack smack*
All the live-long night.
*smack smack smack*
Someone really should teach them to chew with their mouths closed.
B. and I would wrestle the slobbery chunks of chewed gum from their mouths, and they'd take off, in search of more! More gum!
I think Murphy might have blown a bubble.
They quickly learned to be covert about their gum-chewing. They'd hang their heads low, ears shielding their chewing jaws, but their chomping always gave them away.
*smack smack smack*
Thing is, they didn't seem to particularly enjoy the gum. From the looks on their faces, the gum confused and worried them. But they just couldn't stop with the smack-smack-smacking, their compulsion so strong, their breath so fresh!
God help us if they ever start smoking, because they will never, ever be able to quit and frankly, I'm not putting Nicoderm patches on my damn dogs.
Posted by Robin at May 7, 2006 05:09 PM
Comments
That is too funny.
Posted by: Nancy at May 8, 2006 12:42 AM
The mental image in my head has my cracking up. Scamp likes suckers. I don't think he's ever had gum. Did you get any sleep?
Posted by: Cassie at May 8, 2006 02:41 PM
The patch? No, you'd give them Nicorette gum, natch!
Posted by: Dixie at May 8, 2006 03:44 PM
That sounds almost as funny as when dogs eat Pop Rocks. The look on their faces is priceless!
Posted by: allison at May 8, 2006 05:12 PM
