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May 03, 2006

Fighting Crime, One Dot at a Time

I love it when I don't have anything to blog about, because it means life's relatively even-killed. No big lows, no big highs. Bad for readers, good for me. Since I have nothing that merits deep explaination, here's some dots for you.

  • I think I missed my true calling - crime fighting. I've been busting crime left and right all week. Monday afternoon I was driving down a busy street when I saw a Rodney King-syle beat-down. A green Ford Escort pulled over, four young men tumbled out and three of them proceeded to beat and kick the ever-living fuck out of the fourth. I called 911 and the first question they asked? Not the location of the beat-down. Not a description of the car, which I thought they might need because I'm guessing beat-downers aren't prone to lingering. Nope, the first question they asked, "Are they black or white?". I'm bugged by a lot about this entire situation.
  • In more crime-fighting news, remember last week when I wrote about people who are too stupid to find porn on the internet? In the comments, Jack's Raging Mommy said that she'd turned some of her sicker Googlers in to the FBI. And oh, I crowed about how none of my searchers are ever that bad. Oh, no, not at all! Just people looking for attractive maternal figures sans clothes! Well, yesterday I had to turn one in. Fucking sicko moron. Hrmph.
  • I have not partaken in any crime-fighting today, although I kept a keen eye on two fellow Target shoppers, wearing dark sunglasses, opening and shutting the doors of all the display microwaves. My keen crime-fighting sixth sense told me that they weren't criminals, just aliens looking for a means of returning home. Aliens aren't my jurisdiction.
  • Did you know that I have a fascination with documentaries about doomsday and the book of revelations? I'm not fascinated enough to do anything time-consuming, like actually read the book of revelations. I just like to devote an occasional hour to seeing how the History and National Geographic Channels present the material. I watched one such documentary on Monday afternoon as a reward for my crime-fighting. As a burgeoning connesueir of this genre, I've noticed that the anti-christ? He's always an upstanding-looking young man with wavy brunette hair, wearing a good-quality navy blue suit. It's never the same upstanding-looking suit-clad brunette young man. I wonder what the want ads for these jobs looks like:
    Wanted: attractive young man with wavy brunette hair to portray well-known character. Must own navy blue suit. Applicants with the mark of the beast given priority. Pays scale + possible damnation.
  • Boy came over today to show me his new shoes. Apparently, they've shaved 5.41 seconds off the time it takes him to run the length of our block. I think I'm going to enlist him to be my crime-fighting partner.
  • My dad makes weird impulse purchases. For me, an impulse purchase usually consists of, say, a pair of shoes on clearance, or maybe a periodical. When Dad makes an impulse purchase, it usually has four legs and weighs as much as a small car.
    This is Henry. Henry was purchased on a whim last weekend. Henry, unbeknownst to my dad, was tranquilized when he was purchased. Henry came-to yesterday. Henry is not pleased with his new pasture. I hear they're thinking about auditioning him to play one of the four horses of the apocolypse in one of those documentaries I enjoy so much. It just goes to show you: never buy an equine who costs less than a 60 gig iPod. He is not a bargain.
  • May 2006, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. There's my annual rummage sale where I shall regain my basement and a fistful of cash. There's Art on the Square, where I might part with some of that cash. There's Mother's Day, my new favorite holiday. At least, until Clara Jane's old enough to tell me she wishes I'd pull a Sylvia Plath. Oh! And I'm going to Detroit to see Sal! Go wish her a happy 10th wedding anniversary. Yep, May's looking good.
  • Two-year molars, I hate you.

Posted by Robin at May 3, 2006 05:52 PM

Comments

"Aliens aren't my jurisdiction" - bwahahahaha! I always watch suspicious-acting people in stores, too. It's like a sickness. Maybe I should have been a cop or a Target security guard. I'm sorry, "loss protection specialist."

Henry is gorgeous. I hope he settles down to a level of slight insanity rather than all-out apocalyptic behavior.

Posted by: Nancy at May 4, 2006 03:28 PM

I can understand why your dad bought Henry - he's an awfully pretty horse.

I'm getting an image of you in a deerstalker cap smoking a pipe. I'll leave the contents of the pipe strictly up to you.

Posted by: Dixie at May 4, 2006 05:11 PM

That's the type of impulse purchase Monkey makes, too. He's a beauty so I can see where how he got wooed!

Posted by: Marybeth at May 5, 2006 11:45 AM

I feel somewhat responsible now...
sorry if I brought the gods of sicko morons down on you.

Posted by: Jack's Raging Mommy at May 5, 2006 06:08 PM