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May 13, 2006

The Damn-Near Sunday Shuffle: The Small-Town Apocolypse Edition

Lemme tell ya, my hometown is just completely ate up with that small-town spirit. It's almost enough to make the baby John Cougar Mellencamp cry.

We're in my hometown for the Mother's Day holiday and because I'm apparently not very bright, I ventured to the local Wal-Mart Supercenter this morning. Why Wal-Mart? Because as best as I can tell, it's the only business left in town. You would think, since I always - always start my period during these hometown visits that I would remember to pack provisions, which brings us back to that bit about me not being very bright.

Going to Wal-Mart in a town where Wal-Mart is the center of the universe? Sucks. Going there on a Saturday? Really sucks. Going there on the Saturday prior to Mother's Day? Oh, can you hear the sucking black hole that's about to devour us all?

I never actually made it into Wal-Mart. That's right - this city girl was done in by the parking lot antics. Here are just a few of the factors that led to me saying, "Screw it. I'm going to ship myself to the woods and freely bleed in solitary peace.":

  • I nearly ran over an entire family of Old Order Mennonites. While they eschew most modern conveniences, the ones in central Missouri certainly love the Wally-World. However, this particular family didn't seem too familiar with motor vehicles, seeing as they walked within a foot of the front of mine, while it was moving.
  • A woman slammed on her brakes in front of me, jumped out of her van, ran to the cart corral and grabbed a walking cane from a cart. I'm thinking it probably wasn't hers.
  • I saw my dumb non-handicapped cousin and her non-handicapped children parking their car in a handicapped spot, which makes me want to render them handicapped.
  • And lastly ... the moment I nearly plowed over an octagenarian USMC veteran, walking down the middle of the parking lot, too busy yapping on his Bluetooth to notice the presence of the large truck with the still-warm bonnets of the Mennonite ladies still stuck in the grill, I knew it was time for me to head for the woods.

But that's not the really upsetting hometown news. Today, my heart was broken when I learned that Wheel Inn is going to be done in by a highway expansion. Sweet Jesus, that can't be right. There is no order in the universe if Wheel Inn doesn't exist. Granted, I haven't eaten there in years, but it's not like they're hurting for customers. This is all in the name of "progress". Frankly, doing away with the one spot in the world where a person can order a a hamburger slathered in peanut butter without being accused of mental incompentance ... well, that ain't progress. At least, it's not progress in a world I wish to live in.

Getting rid of Wheel-Inn and Guberburgers? Shit. Next thing you know, Wally won't be cutting hair, kids won't be cruising the Strip on Friday nights, and someone will pass a law making child labor illegal at the Missouri State Fair. My hometown is changing, and I can't say I'm too happy. Not that the mayor is taking my calls on any of this, since I moved away a few months after I reached legal voting age.

So another foodie/archetectual/Americana icon bites the dust. What next? Who's manning the grills at the places that will be tomorrow's icons? Anyone? Or are we looking at a future with wide, wide highway lanes and an Applebee's every 3/4 of a mile on every major road?

The Guberburger is dead. Long live the Guberburger.

But the shuffle lives...

1. Disco Blackout - Controller Controller
2. Thank You - Tori Amos
3. Changes - David Bowie
4. You're Something Else - Jimmy Reed
5. Half as Much - Hank Williams
6. Fast Cars - U2
7. Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley
8. Can't Hardly Wait - The Replacements
9. Love & Affection - Bob Marley
10. Jonas & Ezekial - Indigo Girls

I'm pretty sure Bob Marley's here twice because I spent the evening with my cousin, a white Rastafarian (or maybe he just likes weed) who has Marley's image covering his back in tattoo form. When his mother first saw it, after she recovered from her coronary, she asked, "Why in the hell do you have Jerry Garcia on your back?"

Maybe Bob just wants a Guberburger. Jerry probably does too, for that matter.


Posted by Robin at May 13, 2006 11:14 PM

Comments

I hope you have/had a wonderful mother's day.
And look,I'm leaving a comment on your 'blog' not on myspace. I feel so grown up now.
Watching your hometown change is rather rough I think. I live right across the river from mine, but try to never enter it."ch ch ch changes" Funny how that song was on your shuffle. As per usual, I'm taking notes on your Friday shuffle lists. Thank you for letting me copy you!
cheers, brenda(from myspace)

Posted by: brenda at May 14, 2006 10:12 AM

WHAT?!?! the wheel inn?!?! you betta be lyin' missy. you betta be lyin. you are brave, venturing into the wally-world like that. can't say i've ever been so inclined! :)

happy anti-war holiday mother's day!!!!

Posted by: karajoy at May 14, 2006 02:08 PM

We'll know the apocalypse is upon us when Cowan's, "Home of the Mile-High Pies," shuts its doors. Because yes, the pies are a mile high. Granted, it's wobbly, sweating, darn near inedible meringue, but it *is* a mile high, or so it seems when you're trying to plow your way through a piece of it. So far, Cowan's is still around. You'll have to visit one day. I'm sorry about Wheel Inn...

Posted by: Ginny at May 14, 2006 02:10 PM

That's a nice shuffle. R.I.P. Guberburger...

Posted by: Exena at May 14, 2006 07:29 PM

Brenda, you better believe I had a sad little chuckle when "Changes" popped up. If you want some good booty-shaking music, I highly recommend Controller Controller. They refer to themselves as being a "death disco" band. Awesome stuff.

Karajoy, I'm afraid it's true. I mean, if the Sedalia Democrat printed it, it must be true, right? *snicker* You're a smart gal, not setting foot into that - or any - Wal-Mart. It's got to be a dire situation that forces me to do such a thing.

Posted by: Robin at May 15, 2006 10:03 AM

Oh no, not the Wheel-In! No Guberburgers? What, is Sedalia being engulfed in a big black hole? What is this world coming to? Seriously, that sux.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2006 01:01 AM

Heh. Plowing into Mennonites. Plowing into Amish is almost a daily occurrence for my father (northeast MO). And by almost, I mean he almost plows into them. And by daily, I mean he kinda looks forward to it.

Posted by: Joe Greenlight at May 16, 2006 02:51 PM