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July 06, 2006
"I'm one can of Schlitz away from living in a trailer"
That's what I told B. last night. We were watching CMT's 20 Greatest Southern Rock Songs, and I was completely lathered because "Freebird" was number three, when obviously it should have been in the top slot. What the fuck? Yeah, "Sweet Home Alabama" has that guitar riff that defines the genre. And there's a complexity to its narrative that mirrors life in the contemporary south. But it's not iconic, like "Freebird". You don't hear "Sweet Home Alabama" played at funerals, for God's sake!
Don't even talk to me about the omission of Whipping Post. Just ... don't.
At which point I realized I was far too emotionally invested in the show and the order of the countdown and I announced, "I'm one can of Schlitz away from living in a trailer, aren't I?" And by "trailer" I don't mean one of those new mobile homes that looks and feels just like a house. No. I mean a trailer. A tornado-taunting heap of metal, narrow enough that that a tall man can stand in the middle and touch both walls, just like the one my Aunt Earlene and Uncle Nash lived in.
Yes, I have an Aunt Earlene and Uncle Nash. I also have a cousin named Huck and know someone whose given name is Cletus. Someone named Skeeter stood with my parents when they got married.
Let's not mention how I yelled, "Those are my people!" when Ozark Mountain Daredevils were featured on the show.
I don't know if I'm getting more in touch with my roots as I get old, or if I've lived in this neighborhood too long and have inhaled too much dune buggy-tainted air, or if it's because summer brings with it the lure of the hillbilly good life, what with the fishing and camping - stuff I have never particularly enjoyed. But it seems like nearly every summer, something happens and I catch myself turning hillbilly. And each year, I seem to saunter a little further down that dirt road.
That business last week about driving through the fancy-ass neighborhood in my truck, blasting "Redneck Woman"? I wasn't making that up, or even exaggerating for comedic effect. That's the Gods-honest truth. Something deep within the core of who I am as a human being thought, "Damn prissy-pants rich bastards. Let's see how they like this!"
I'm blaming the woman who lives two houses away from me. She moved in a few months ago, mostly unnoticed. But in recent weeks, I can't help but notice. You see, her house is down the hill from ours, and when I look out my hall window, I can see directly into her backyard. And do you know what I'm seeing?
A blue above-ground swimming pool with two black innertubes floating on the surface.
I'm jealous.
This jealousy concerns me. It concerns me greatly. For most of my adult life, I've looked at the shoddy, hastily-erected above-ground pools as being a sure sign of the owners' redneck pedigree. And really, if you can afford the pool, you should be able to afford proper floatation devices that don't have 10,000 highway miles on them.
But damn if it wouldn't feel good to park my ass in one of those 'tubes, crank up Eat a Peach, cold can of beer in my hand, and spend the day doing nothing but drinkin' and floatin'.
Being drug across a lake in one of those 'tubes wouldn't be bad, either. Well, not until the dragging is over and the full-body-bruise starts to form, that is.
While I'm looking in the mirror, watching my neck turn from pale pastey white to flaming hot poker red, my dad is undergoing his own cultural transformation. Today's his 57th birthday, and he's spending it the same way he spent his 56th birthday - by driving a vanload of Amish men to a horse sale in Iowa. They think it's evil to operate a horseless carriage, but they have few qualms about riding in them with some poor soul who doesn't mind being doomed to damnation behind the wheel.
My dad has been spending a lot of time among the Amish in recent years. There's a large Amish and Mennonite population near my hometown, and my dad utilizes their horse-related services. Last year's Iowa jaunt, I understood. He was newly retired and looking for something work-like to do. But this year ... there's no excuse.
I fear my dad is one day without shaving away from changing his name to Zebulon and shunning my mom because she uses an electric stove when she cans their home-grown green beans.
Do you know what all this means? Next July 6th, once Zebulon has shunned motor vehicles, I'll be driving him and the other Amish to Iowa to earn my Schlitz money. Probably in a custom van with the images of Ronnie Van Zandt and Duane Allman, playing guitars as angels in heaven airbrushed on the side. While wearing a one-size-fits-all tube top.
Posted by Robin at July 6, 2006 08:33 AM
Comments
Wooooooo-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Long live the tube top!
Posted by: Summer at July 6, 2006 09:39 AM
It is a summer thing in that I feel it as well. I couldn't stand the sight of corn and soybean fields when I was a kid and this summer I find it sad that they are becoming fewer and fewer. I'll be in the pool next door playing Marco Polo while sipping my sweet tea.
Posted by: Cheryl at July 6, 2006 10:25 AM
How terrible is it that I've considered putting one of those hastily-erected pools in my garage so I can play in the water without the neighbors seeing me? ;)
I can't believe they left off "Tied To The Whipping Post," that's just wrong...
Posted by: Debbie at July 6, 2006 11:16 AM
I love Redneck Woman. And Sweet Home Alabama.
And I'm British...
Posted by: Zoe at July 6, 2006 01:35 PM
You know it's funny that you mention that older you get, the more you start to delve into your red-neck past, cause I feel the same way lately.
I can't tell you how many times I've busted out with a good ole southern idiom in front of my husband (ie: I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full o' rockin chairs). Bless his poor little Japanese heart because he just gives me this look like "What have I gotten myself into?"
'Course he should have know what he was getting into when he met my whole clan, including a cousin named Bubba who recently got out of the state pen.
Our wedding was a little like Sho-gun meets Shot-gun. I'm just glad I paid the extra money for the videographer.
Posted by: Jennifer K at July 6, 2006 02:30 PM
FREEEEEEEEEEEEBIRD!!!!!
Posted by: pkb at July 6, 2006 04:17 PM
Yeah. Make me homesick, why don'tcha?!
I need to look at that list. Let's take bets on how many times I shout out "Oh I love that song!!" while reading it.
Posted by: Dixie at July 6, 2006 04:34 PM
No Whipping Post??? Sacrilege!
OK, the sobriety thing? It hurts, especially since you are already aware of my fondness of sitting outside in the summer, drinking beer and listening to the Allman Bros. Hell, I like listening to them anytime of year, but sitting outside in the sun, listening to "Blue Sky", "Dreams", or "Midnight Rider" (shit, it doesn't matter which song) with a cold one in your hand? It's heaven my friend. Now floating along in a pool? That would be damn near perfect.
I'll get over all this sooner or later, and you won't have to hear me bitch anymore....Until then, I'll enjoy the tunes and the warmth of the sun. I don't need anything else.
P.S. Happy birthday Pete! (aka Eli Detweiler - that's what his name would be if he lived near our Amish community here)
Posted by: Blossom's Dad's Ho at July 6, 2006 05:26 PM
Cheryl, I was the same way about the fields when I was a kid. Do you know where I had my wedding? At my parents' house, beginning of September, surrounded by cornfields.
Debbie, I wish my neighbor had your brilliant garage idea. She tore down a garage in order to make room for her pool. As much as I look at her pool with yearning, she burns my eyes.
Zoe, you need to come visit me. Gretchen Wilson of "Redneck Woman"? Born and raised just up the road from here.
Jennifer, I thought my husband and I had an interesting dichotomy, what with me being a hillbilly and him being from damn near Canada. You've got me beat! I would have loved to have seen your wedding!
Dixie, CMT doesn't have the list on their webpage, but I'll see if I can find it for you. Some great stuff was represented. "Keep Your Hands to Yourself", "If You Want to Get to Heaven", "Heard it in a Love Song", "Gimme Three Steps", "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight". Basically, the soundtrack to your next visit to the states.
Ho, two words for you - sweet tea. Better than beer on a really hot day.
Posted by: Robin at July 6, 2006 06:18 PM
I CANNOT believe Freebird was not #1.
Brad and I caught the show just as it was going off and were quite bummed that we had missed it. I turned to him and said, "Oh well, at least we can rest comfortably knowing Freebird was #1".
I'm SHOCKED and APPALLED.
Been wondering where you were hiding out. I should have known I could find you here!
~Craws
www.cafepress.com/muffintuckers
Posted by: Crawbaby at July 6, 2006 08:45 PM
Found the list, just for you Dix.
20 - The Allman Brothers (Gregg) - I'm No Angel
19 - Charlie Daniels - The South's Gonna Do It Again
18 - The Outlaws - Green Grass And High Tides
17 - The Marshall Tucker Band - Heard It In A Love Song
16 - Blackfoot - Train, Train
15 - The Ozark Mountain Daredevils - If You Wanna Get To Heaven
14 - Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gimme Three Steps
13 - Georgia Sattellites - Keep Your Hands To Yourself
12 - Molly Hatchet - Flirtin' With Disaster
11 - Wet Willie - Keep On Smilin'
10 - Elvin Bishop - Fooled Around And Fell In Love
09 - .38 Special - Hold On Loosely
08 - Little Feat - Dixie Chicken
07 - Hank Williams Jr. - All My Rowdy Friends
06 - The Allman Brothers Band - Midnight Rider
05 - Charlie Daniels - The Devil Went Down To Georgia
04 - The Marshall Tucker Band - Can't You See
03 - Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird (DO WHAT???)
02 - The Allman Brothers Band - Ramblin' Man
01 - Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Good to see you, Craws!
Posted by: Robin at July 6, 2006 08:53 PM
Two, totally unrelated things:
* Inner tubes rock. How else would one bust her face wide open while sledding behind Hearnes?
* HELP ME, POPPY PEOPLE:
My e-mail is down and internet is running on an ancient beast of a computer that can't read half the web sites. So, seriously, I'm taking over Poppy's comments (if she'll let me...)
DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MONGOLIAN BUDDHIST FUNERAL TRADITIONS?
Let's start with what's appropriate to wear, and if I'll be expected to take my shoes off when entering the funeral home. Then we can move on to appropriate flowers/gifts (did find somewhere that said friends/family are to give food and candles to the monks. Can anyone verify?). Then figure out if a funeral home in Olivette, Mo, will even have monks.
Then figure out how to keep the loud and expressive (I'm being kind) angry Russians in the family from insulting the peace-seeking Buddhists (some of whom do speak Russian, but the Russians don't speak Mongolian).
But what do I know (sigh) I'm just a stupid American who speaks only English.
Seriously, help? Anyone? (Robin, thanks for letting me ask -- stick this somewhere more appropriate, I feel terrible for taking over the comments section! Stupid e-mail and wussy web...)
Posted by: Mary at July 7, 2006 09:51 AM
I have to talk about the omission of Whipping Post -- at least I have to make a comment -- it should be a crime to have left out that song.
Posted by: Katya at July 7, 2006 10:10 AM
The funeral home may not have a monk, but I found a link to a buddhist temple and meditation center in Florissant MO here: http://www.google.com/maps?hl=en&lr=&rls=GGLR,GGLR:2006-10,GGLR:en&q=buddhist+temple&near=Olivette,+MO+63132&radius=0.0&latlng=38672823,-90369642,2649753163027642382&sa=X&oi=local&ct=result&cd=2
Assume you'll have to take your shoes off -- better to be prepared. I can't say whether food and candles are traditional, but I know when my monk friend was in the hospital before her death, the monks in her meditation center were very grateful for food and assistance at the temple.
My sympathies --
Lill
Posted by: Coyote Lill at July 7, 2006 03:09 PM
Lill, Mary was able to get the info and passes along her thanks, as do I.
Posted by: Robin at July 7, 2006 03:25 PM
Thanks for the list! I'm printing it out and going to quiz Brad right now.
And quit running from your redneck roots, Girl!
I've decided to embrace mine, you should see my floating around in my $30 Wal-Mart blow up pool, Miller Lite in one hand and a wedge of watermelon in the other. It's good times, man, good times.
Posted by: Crawbaby at July 7, 2006 10:07 PM
Keep up the great work on your blog. Best wishes WaltDe
Posted by: WaltDe at August 31, 2006 06:57 PM
