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September 20, 2006

Humiliation Dots

  • Yet another reason to move: a Hosie Cow has moved in down the block. This is what's going to destroy my property value.
  • In searching for the Hosie Cow photo, I found the most disturbing photo I have ever seen on the internet. Disturbing, yet safe for work. Not safe for you mental health, though.
  • While shopping this morning, I overheard a woman loudly saying this into her cell phone: "I'm getting some feminine wash." Pause. "I said I'm getting feminine wash!" Pause. "It wash that makes you smell feminine!" Of course, "wash" was pronounced "warsh", as is the way in these parts.
  • It amazes me that very smart people have invented amazing pieces of technology, like tiny little telephones whose signals glide through the air from tower to tower without wires, and they're cheap enough that just about anyone can own one. And this is how we use them. I wonder if this makes the inventors cry, and if it does, do they wipe their tears with fifty-dollar bills.
  • Could be worse. That woman could have been having that phone conversation while sitting on the pot in a public bathroom. How many times have you been in a stall, minding your own business, not pooping in the trash can, when you hear, "Hello?" coming from the stall next to you? When you return the salutation, you realize that it wasn't aimed at you, because the person in the stall beside you is conducting phone calls while taking a crap in a public bathroom.
  • If you have to conduct your social life during public bathroom potty breaks, you have a time management problem.
  • As for those bones in my backyard that I mentioned yesterday, I don't actually think they belong to a human being. We have a pack of three scent hounds that run the yard everyday. Most likely they ganged up on some wild creature - we've got a lot of squirrels and bunnies, along with the occasional possum in our neighborhood - murdered it, and buried it to rot in time for a lovely harvest feast.
  • When I was 15 my family moved into an old farmhouse. There was a dilapidated chicken coop with a pallet floor. When my dad was pulling up the pallets, he found an old, crumpled white dress buried in the dirt. My mom told me that it probably belonged to the original owner's young daughter, who disgraced the family by being a dirty whore. Since she'd never be able to wear white again, they must have buried the dress. I think she made that up to scare me into keeping my virginity.
  • Speaking of chicken coops, B.'s officemate has a yardfull of chickens. He's selling fresh, free-range eggs from grain and grass-fed chickens, and this makes me terribly happy. While I'm not a big egg-eater, I love having naturally multicolored eggs in my fridge. So much so that I even made an omelet today and boy, was it good.
  • I'm saving the green eggs to have with ham.
  • I trimmed my bangs today and got carried away. And uneven. I'm sporting the hairdo favored by the developmentally disabled.
  • I'm finally admitting defeat and mailing all my sock yarn to Dixie, who has promised to wrangle them into socks and send them back. How shameful is that?
  • Dammit. I meant to send her all of my bamboo sock-knitting needles and forgot.
  • Speaking of craftiness, have I told you the umpteen bazillion projects I'm trying to finish? There's a baby blanket, a Halloween costume, a quilt for a big-girl bed, my quilt, another pile of charity quilts, and apple-canning season is upon us. So why am I sitting here, telling you people all my mundane shit. I should be working.
  • The Halloween costume might not be necessary, as all the Halloween stuff in the stores is scaring the crap out of Clara Jane. We had to leave the first store we went to today because she was so distraught over one of those stupid giant inflatable yard property-value-bringer-downers. At the second store, I tried to avoid the stupid giant inflatable crap, only to run into a life-sized talking skeleton. In her fear, Clara Jane grabbed the neck of my V-neck t-shirt and yanked it down past my boobs. And of course, we were right in front of another shopper when this happened. A male shopper. At least he had the good sense to look impressed.
  • I'm having the most humiliating week ever! I might as well get naked, get into my bathtub, summon my dogs and the neighbor's dog, take a photo, and post it on the internet. When I do, I promise I'll call y'all while I'm peeing at the Wal-Mart to let you know.

Posted by Robin at September 20, 2006 02:32 PM

Comments

Am I going to hell for laughing out loud at the comment about the hairstyle favored by the developmentally disabled? Because that's some kind of funny.

Posted by: Jodi at September 20, 2006 03:52 PM

Well, I'll be in hell, too, since I'm the one who said it. At least the music should be good.

I guess it should be said that I have absolutely nothing against the developmentally disabled. I have something against people who give them bad haircuts.

Posted by: Robin at September 20, 2006 04:13 PM

It's your fault. It's your fault that I read this and with my cold went into that wheezy, hysterical laughter that made me go into a coughing jag that made me get so close to peeing my pant I was Barbie doll walking to the bathroom in an effort to keep my bladder from releasing its contents too soon as I didn't happen to have a trash can handy.

When that yarn gets here I am going to knit you up some purty, purty socks. I'm knitting a pair for Lisa right now. Y'all can compare your purty, purty socks when you get them.

Posted by: Dixie at September 20, 2006 04:36 PM

Okay, I really tried not to laugh. But I did.
And you're right, I'm scared for life over that odd picture.
Thanks.

Posted by: Terra at September 20, 2006 04:41 PM

I used to have a Hosie Cow in my back yard. Until the dog ate most of it. Now, *that* was a crime scene.

Posted by: liz at September 20, 2006 05:13 PM

I think this may have been the most genuine-LOL-packed bullets post I've ever read! Mazel tov.

Posted by: michelle/weaker vessel at September 20, 2006 08:58 PM

Oh My Goodness!

Thank you so much for making me laugh today. It's been a hard day at work and that is seriously what the doctor ordered.

Posted by: Jennifer K. at September 20, 2006 10:41 PM

You are friggin' hilarious. I found you through Minti and I am coming back soon. : )

Posted by: tracey at September 21, 2006 12:03 AM

I'm bustin' up over here! Now I'm even more thankful for Mom's little "code word" for the Feminine Products Department -- for all the wierdness in my family, I'm glad there's not any screaming about feminine wash. Around here, it's "I gotta go get some stuff." or "Could ya pick me up some stuff while you're out?" Stuff in a bag, stuff in a box, stuff in a spray can or a bottle...

Posted by: Debbie at September 21, 2006 12:15 PM

I think for the full experience you'll need someone *else* to take that photo. Otherwise, it sounds like you've make all the necessary arangements. ;)

(I'm sure your bangs look fine. You're too hard on yourself.)

Posted by: Summer at September 21, 2006 04:08 PM

Robin Dawn, when you're funny, you are FUNNY. Most highlarious entry just about EVER.

Posted by: Julie at September 21, 2006 04:19 PM