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October 09, 2006
An Erection-Shootin', Crazy-Soundin', House-Huntin' Good Time
I wrote this entry at least forty times last night during a bout of insomnia. Unfortunately, I only wrote it in my head, which is about as permanent as writing something with an invisible ink pen found in a box of Cap'n Crunch.
I know it involved pieces of my weekend with my visiting relatives. And pumpkins. There were definitely goofy sunglasses involved.
If Bono's alter-egos The Fly and Macphisto somehow found a way to asexually spawn, perhaps that's what the offspring would look like.
I definitely remember some domino-playing, which isn't saying much. Whenever more than five members of my family are in a room (or sometimes fewer, we're not picky), domino-playing tends to occur, as does cheating, cursing, and flinging of game-pieces.
Chickenfoot is the domino game of choice among my people. Everyone draws seven bones. Whoever has the double-sixteen places it in the center. Everyone plays off it. Whenever someone plays a double, the next three plays must contain the number on the double. First person out wins the round. Lowest score at the end of all the rounds wins the game. All bones are face value, except for the double-blank, which is worth 50 points.
In my family, avoiding those 50 points is a matter of life and death. We're not above lying, cheating, and inflicting bodily harm if it means forcing a handful of points on a loved one. No one is safe, not the family matriarch, not the littlest child.
Chickenfoot is the only thing in the world that brings my sweet Pentecostal grandmother to stray from her righteous path into the realm of lying, cussing and cheating. How bad does it make my granny? On Saturday night, when my father made a move that angered her, my usually sweet, kind granny aimed a finger-gun at him and announed, "I shot your erection!"
And then my mother and I died.
Granny claims she meant to say, "I shot in your direction" at my dad. Whatever you say, Granny. I think we now know the real reason why Grandpa often opts to not play with us.
Of course, it's time for Clara Jane to join the fray.
She's a quick study. By her third round, she was stealthily spying on Granny's dominoes and working on her method of snatching desired dominoes and ditching crappy ones. Like that dreaded double-blank. When she found it in her hands, she waved it in the air, snorted in disgust, and said, "It has no dots." She then picked up a less vile bone and said, "It's got dots. It's better."
We hadn't even started her lessons on cheating and double-blank ditching. She figured that out all by herself. She was born shortly after the holiday domino games; perhaps she was in utero, taking notes.
Hey! You wanna know what crazy sounds like? It sounds just like ten children armed with bicycle horns, crammed into ten cut-out polka-dotted buckets being pulled through a pumpkin patch by an ATV. B.'s the one who claimed that's what crazy sounds like. And since he was the one crammed into a bucket in the middle of those kids, I'm inclined to believe him.
By Sunday, my family, including my child, fled town. Do you blame them? And what do B. and I do anytime we find ourselves with unallotted time? Why, we haul ourselves over to Pretty Town, of course. Being Sunday, it was open house day. We got to see the interiors of three Pretty Town houses.
House #1 was a treat. I'd seen this house listed online, and it boasted a view of the St. Louis downtown skyline from the living room. I couldn't fathom how this could be, but I saw it and it was amazing. The whole house was amazing. Unique, interesting archetecture, a balcony and a downstairs deck, picket fence, fireplace, gorgeous views of the wooded bluff behind the house. I was smitten, until I had this conversation with the real estate agent:
Me: This is the Signal Hill school district, right?
Agent: Oh, no. Of course not. Signal Hill ends three houses from here. This is in the East St. Louis school district. But that was the school district to be in when this house was built. The original owners fought to be annexed into East St. Louis.
Me: __________________
Agent: Of course, you'll want to send your child to the Catholic school.
House #2 was, by B.'s definition, "icky". I wouldn't have gone that far, but it certainly wasn't the right house for us.
House #3 was a ranch house in a nice 1960s subdivision. While there's nothing wrong with ranch houses or nice 1960s subdivisions, that's not where I've ever wanted to live. It ranks right up there with my desire to live in a gorgeous house in one of the worst school districts in the country. That real estate agent was helpful, too. She had this to offer:
Agent: Have you been to any other open houses today?
Me: We went to two in the Signal Hill area.
Agent: I just don't understand the draw of that area.
Me: Um, beautifully restored old homes? A great school? A sense of neighborhood and community? Idyllic Rockwellian boulevards? Convenient access to Main Street?
Agent: *hmph* The taxes are higher.
Really, I'm not complaining. We weren't looking to buy; we were looking to get a better idea of where we want to be, and where we don't want to be. We explored. We fell a little more in love with the town. We partook in really, really terrible real estate photography:
This house has a stove as old as I am, a support beam, and a light fixture creeping up on the photographer:
This house is on the dark side:
This house has a big, big, big puffy couch:
This one has pine that's been very, very knotty:
This one has everything I ever wanted in a house, including a crescent moon and star on the chimney that you can't really see in the picture but believe me, it's there and it's killing me that I can't move in today:
This one has a neighbor who's using a Jack Daniel's Country Cocktails promotional banner as a storm door curtain, which is a little too similar to where I currently reside:
This one is fabulous, but not quite fabulous enough to sacrifice my daughter's education. Perhaps if she'd been born a smidge less smart, we'd reconsider:
This one features your cousin Treavor. He'll be staying with us while he waits for his band to get back together:
Posted by Robin at October 9, 2006 06:15 PM
Comments
Check to see if there are any chances you can get into the district through an open enrollment policy. Our district has one. We have to petition to get our daughter into the high school we want. Some districts also let you pay tuition- usually minimal. Or maybe Trevor's band will hit it big and you can move 3 houses over.
Posted by: Lisa V at October 9, 2006 07:58 PM
Very, very knotty. That made me laugh. I do love the Tudor-style one. And I am so glad we are done house hunting! Open houses. Blech. Seeing into people's lives with all their crappy furniture and bad taste ... it just makes me feel sad.
Posted by: Lori at October 9, 2006 09:36 PM
But ESL has some really great sports teams... Pretty Town, not so much. Ask me about the football game we attended.
Posted by: mary at October 10, 2006 08:39 AM
i'm telling you - you just need to move over on this side of the state! c'mon! pllleeeeeeeezey?
i have to admit, though - your cresent moon chimney place looks like a sweet little cottage. i just love sweet little cottages. :)
Posted by: kara joy at October 10, 2006 08:44 AM
Wow, I thought we just tossed out the very last stove like that... ;)
Posted by: Debbie at October 10, 2006 10:37 AM
Beqi and I used to do crafty holiday parties in Signal Hill. We called those ladies the Belleville Socialites. We always felt like we were on the wrong side of the tracks.
I say buy the house and save for tuition. A view of the skyline!
Plus the house next door is still for sale, and boasts a nice view of my backyard.
Posted by: allison at October 10, 2006 03:22 PM
Now I want a moon and star chimney!
Posted by: Tiffany at October 10, 2006 03:47 PM
I'm just digging on the idea that your family loves a good domino game. And are you sure your grandmother wasn't channeling my own mother?
Posted by: Dixie at October 10, 2006 05:45 PM
i can't figure out why your comments for this posting are combining, but what the hay! we LOVE us some dominos 'round here! and i'm feeling the urge to begin canning. so when you move to k.c. you can learn me.
clara jane's glasses crack me up! i have no idea where they've gotten to now, but bebe had a pair of these big white flower-shaped lensed specs that he wouldn't take off earlier this summer. someone gave him to him as a gag gift when he was born. go figure.
Posted by: kara joy at October 11, 2006 03:20 PM
