« Day Twenty-Three? Four? The Things to Remember for Later | Main | Day Twenty-Five - Bring Me My Cape Before We Crash »
November 24, 2006
Day Twenty-Four - Trussing up Loose Ends Like a Turkey
Seriously. If I eat anything else for the rest of my life, I'll die. I'm sure of it. I think my spleen has been forced out of my body by the 3.8 pounds of cornbread stuffing I've consumed in the past 24 hours. However, I promised to tell you about some stuff, and I intend to do so, hopefully before my fingers expand to a size too large to be accomodated by a standard keyboard.
Sadly, I will not be poking fun at Two-Finger Bill and the Harmonica Man. Today we had a big family lunch at the cafe where they hang out. It was just Two-Finger Bill, and he was crying. Nothing breaks my heart quite like someone sad, all alone in a restaurant. I overheard the server consoling him, and it was obvious someone died. No word on whether it was Harmonica Man or not. Regardless, I can't make fun of someone when they've been all human like that.
I can, however, make fun of my family.
I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, but in my family, when dinner's complete, everyone under the age of 50 disappears, leaving clean-up duty to the moms and old ladies. I know. I know. We're terrible human beings and need to be horse-whipped. Wait here and I'll go get the whip for you.
I blame this on the fact that, before Clara Jane was born, the last baby born in our family arrived in 1981. This lack of children has allowed us, the last generation of children, to remain as such well into adulthood. Either that, or we're just a bunch of lazy assholes content to let our mothers, grandmother, and great-aunt all the hard work.
Really, I'd like you to smack me.
Yesterday, my mom informed B., my cousin Travis, The Cuz and I that we were going to be on clean-up duty. First we tried to convince her that we all had pressing engagements to attend at 12:30. When that didn't work, we tried our usual tactic of lying on the couch while our overfed carcasses bloated. Not exactly a good tactic, but we really couldn't muster the energy to do much else. We were shooed into the kitchen, and rightfully so.
We restrained ourselves for a full five minutes before food started being flung:
Dear Jesus: I'm so thankful for the abundance you've granted me. I'm especially thankful that you've blessed us with so many dinner rolls that we can freely whip them at my cousin's face. Thank you.
We found a good home for the rolls that were spared from being whipped at Travis' face:
Then Travis found an efficient way to wash the pots:
Not only will we never have to clean up again, I'm pretty sure none of us will be invited back. Shut up, Mom.
After clean-up, the weather was so gorgeous that we all went outside to watch the horses.
Chloe had her Thanksgiving feast: horse shit.
It was almost as abundant as dinner rolls to be whipped at Travis' face. My parents have the best naturally-fertilized yard ever.
While sitting outside in the horse latrine, my granny - the sweet Pentecostal granny who never says anything bad - was talking about circus peanuts. Only it came out as "circuit penis". Wendy died a little inside at that moment:
I was starting to worry that this might be a sign of Granny's advancing age. Because one of my biggest skills is spotting signs of impending death and/or decreption and then panicking about them. You might recall back in October when Granny had a similar verbal slip-up involving erection-shooting. But my mom told me that when she was little, Granny once told the minister, "Maxine (my mom) likes to chew the tits off of bobby pins," so apparently she's lived a life full of accidental verbal porn. Who knew?
We didn't actually put paper plates in the dishwasher, but after our clean-up, we realized we should have, just to guarantee that we wouldn't be asked back.
After the family left, my parents, B., Clara Jane and I headed downtown. Every Thanksgiving night, they light up the restored old hotel, followed with fireworks set to "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy".
I destroyed my back and got my glasses snatched right off my face:
This lighting/fireworks business is pretty new. As in, this isn't something that we always did after Thanksgiving. For most of the time I lived in my hometown, the hotel was a rat-trap flophouse. A few years ago it was fully restored to its Jazz Age splendor. B. and I spent our wedding night there. It's rather astounding to see the transformation of my little town.
I was also amazed that I only recognized one person in the crowd. I had assumed that I would see people I knew, and would be recognized by people from my past. I neglected to remember that I lived here for 18 years, but I've lived elsewhere for over 15 years. My mark in my hometown is mostly gone. It's a different place now, one that shoots fireworks off the roof of an 80-year-old building. And that's fine with me.
Posted by Robin at November 24, 2006 08:11 PM
Comments
sounds like a good thanksgiving day! we did potluck at my cousins, here in "the compound." An eclectic array of okie food. They didn't much like my "fancy" white bean and artichoke dip. The hot dogs with walnuts and beans in weird syrupy stuff went over well though. Who thinks up this shit?
glad you had a good one!
Posted by: Annie at November 24, 2006 10:53 PM
I really liked this a lot - I could feel the joyous holiday you had. Wonderful!
Posted by: Mrs. Chicken at November 25, 2006 07:08 AM
I'm seeing your mother in a whole new light now, thanks to your grandmother.
Posted by: pkb at November 25, 2006 08:33 AM
Sounds like fun to me!
Posted by: Exena at November 25, 2006 11:20 AM
Ok. The circuit penis story and the picture of Wendy hiding her tears? Perfection.
Posted by: Angie at November 25, 2006 11:30 AM
damn damn DAMN! i was THERE on thanksgiving, visiting grandpa. the thought crossed my mind, a total of 6 times, that i should give a ring to your folks house and see if you were there too. drat. drat. DAMN!
i heart your granny, like you wouldn't believe right now.
Posted by: kara joy at November 25, 2006 01:55 PM
Now that's my idea of a fantastic Thanksgiving!
I absolutely dig your granny.
Posted by: Dixie at November 25, 2006 02:36 PM
Love that mid-air flyin'-roll picture! That's some fast shootin'! :)
Posted by: Debbie at November 25, 2006 04:47 PM
Dude, Travis is hot.
Posted by: pkb at November 25, 2006 07:26 PM
I love your granny stories. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
Posted by: Lunasea at November 28, 2006 01:03 AM
p/s - i've tagged you. you're it. come on ova and PLAY!
xoxox
Posted by: kara joy at November 28, 2006 01:58 PM
