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December 09, 2006
About My Mother, Who is Nearly 60
My mom turns 59 on Sunday, and she's in town with my father to celebrate.
My mother talks to me on the phone daily. Sometimes several times a day. That's just the kind of mother-daughter relationship we have. In honor of her birthday, what follows is a transcription (as best as I can remember) of a call we shared earlier this week.
Mom (hissing softly): Hello?
Me: What's wrong? Why are you talking like that?
Mom (still hissing): There are Jehovah's Witnesses in the dining room and I'm hiding in the bedroom.
Me: Are they alone?
Mom (you guessed it - hissing): Of course not. They're with your father.
Me: Why are you hissing?
Mom (aghast at the stupidity of my question which she expresses through, that's right, hissing): Because I don't want them to know I'm here.
(I think she might have inserted a "Duh" at the end of the sentence, but I'm not 100% sure.)
Me: Who in the hell let in the Jehovah's Witnesses?
Mom (hissing while simultaneously yelling - a vocal feat she mastered when I was a child misbehaving in public) Your father!
(I think there might have been another "Duh" in there, but again, not sure.)
Me: Well, you know how suseptable Dad is to pursuation. I'll bet they're in the living room, taking down all your Christmas decorations.
Mom (abandoning her hiss momentarily): THEY BETTER NOT BE!
Me: Yeah, they are. I think you should go stop them. They're disemboweling all of your animated Santas that singing "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree". I can hear them.
Mom: I can't. I'm just wearing my nightgown. That's why I didn't answer the door. I was sitting at the computer, in my nightgown, when they knocked. I ran away. I think it's the barbeque man. Remember Big Jim who used to deliver barbeque? Dad saw him the other day, and he mentioned that he converted. I'm pretty sure that's him in the dining room.
Me: So, Christmas is cancelled because Dad's being converted by Big Jim the Jehovah's Witness Barbeque Man while you hide in the bedroom? "Yep, we were gonna have a big Christmas celebration, but your grandfather had to go let the Jehovah's Witnesses convert him on December 6th while Mimi hid in the bedroom in her nightie and let it happen. No Christmas for you, Clara Jane."
Mom: Shut up.
Happy birthday, Mom. Way to save Christmas.
Posted by Robin at December 9, 2006 09:59 PM
Comments
Happy birthday mom! I hope the JoHo's didn't steal your santas...or your souls!
Posted by: Exena at December 10, 2006 09:49 AM
I'd wish your mom a happy birthday but since your dad's conversion by Big Jim the Barbeque Dude that's been cancelled as well.
Eh...forget them. Happy birthday, Robin's mama!
Posted by: Dixie at December 10, 2006 12:01 PM
Happy Birthday Robin's Mom!!!
My Mom hides too -- but My Dad won't dare let 'em in the house, he's been known to hand over a dollar or some coins & say something like "Witness? I didn't even see the accident..." as he's closing the door.
Posted by: Debbie at December 10, 2006 12:09 PM
I love you. That is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.
Posted by: liz at December 10, 2006 02:48 PM
My mil has these annoying painted Santa alphabet letters. We go an rearrange Santa into Satan, just to annoy her. One year the preacher stopped by when it was done.
Cassie
Posted by: Cassie at December 15, 2006 03:49 PM
