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I think the problem's because today is December 23rd, and my mother and I have a history of December 23rd kitchen fiascos. Tonight, Mom made her ass-kicking awesome fried chicken, mashed taters, green beans, biscuits, and gravy.

Now, gravy is an art, no different than mastering any French sauce. That's right - hillbilly gravy has the same basis as fancy-pants French sauces. Hot, flavorful fat + flour + liquid = hillbilly gravy/fancy-pants French sauces. It took me a long time to master gravy. Truth be told, I did better with French sauces in culinary school than I did with gravy. Gravy required many phone calls to my gravy-making ancestors.

But oh, the torch has been passed.

Seems that my mom didn't think to drain off all but a few tablespoons of the chicken-frying grease. Granted, this was pan-fried chicken, not deep-fried, but still. The amount of grease required to pan-fry chicken will make enough gravy for bathing.

She kept adding giant spoons of flour, but still the gravy spattered and gurgled. I stood over her shoulder, watching in horror as the gravy grew. And grew. And grew until finally, I had to say it:

"Step aside, Mom. I'll save us from the gravy."

And I did but it was a bittersweet save. Bittersweet with a dash of black pepper and lots of creamy, chickeny goodness.

Do you want some gravy? Because we've got some. Oh, we have so damn much gravy. It's too bad my granny's dog, Lady, died six years ago, because that dog lived on gravy. In Lady's absence, the following uses for our mass of leftover gravy have been proposed:

• Biscuits and gravy for breakfast everyday until we die, which should happen from cardiac arrest no later than Wednesday.
• Gravycakes, made by pouring the gravy, batter-like, onto a hot griddle. Serve with hot syrup.
• Gravypie - a rich graham cracker crust filled with gravy.
• Gravysicles, because nothing's more refreshing on a hot summer day.
• My gravyshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, totally speechless because shit, that's a lot of gravy!
• Gravysoup
• Gravy Mignon - Since the gravy's still about the consistancy of concrete, cut with round cutters, wrap in bacon, and serve with a side of asparagus with gravy.
• Gravy Advent calendar.