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December 01, 2006
Friday Shuffle - The Screaming Trees Edition
Last night a giant blue penis descended upon the midwest to fuck St. Louis hard.
Last July when the weather last had its way with my city, we were among the half a million people without power for several days. I'm thrilled to report that we're not among the half a million people without power this time around.
Around 1 AM last night, when I was wide awake, keeping vigil over our temporary power lines' shaky grasp on our house (the utility company still hasn't installed permanent lines to replace the ones downed by a tree last month, despite repeated calls), this shit cracked me up, probably because my brain had snapped from the combination of exhaustion, worry, and the constant crackling of frozen branches. This is from a severe weather safety guide created by a local TV station regarding what to do if ones fridge is without power for more than two hours:
Pack milk, other dairy products, meat, fish, eggs, gravy, and spoilable leftovers into a cooler surrounded by ice.
I was taking it very seriously until I got to the gravy. Then I just flat-out gave up, rolled out of my chair, and writhed on the floor as the hysterical crazy-person laughter took over. When bad storms are predicted, everyone rushes to the grocery store for milk, bread, and gravy, so don't go thinking you'll just buy some after disaster strikes. There is no gravy after the storm, Missy, so you best take care of what you've got.
A few years ago St. Louis was making regular appearances on the list of America's fattest cities. Proably because of the priority we put on gravy.
It's been a long, tiring few days. But don't worry, for my gravy is safe and sound in its electric-powered refrigerator, although I have a spare vat packed in ice in the basement, just to be safe.
Later in the safety guide, there's a section about what to do with chiffon and cream-based pies in case of an extended power outage.
Want to see what's causing this level of delirium? It's not an abundance of ruined chiffon pie. It's this:
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "It's been a month already since that tree fell. Felled trees are a minor inconvenience. Why haven't you taken care of it yet? Are you completely unable to handle anything life hands you? Maybe you should talk to your therapist about this because really, it's unhealthy to not take randomly falling trees in stride as one of life's little follies. This happens to everyone. Here. Give me the phone and I'll call your therapist for you."
Oh, you're wrong. This isn't the tree that randomly collapsed for no good reason in my backyard last month. Not at all.
This is a totally different tree that collapsed in my yard at 4:00 this morning!
That's right. In a matter of 35 days we've had not one, but two very large trees go against the primary tree law (Rule #1 - Remain standing) and fall the fuck over.
I'm fine. Really. B., on the other hand, is going to have to quit the computer programming job he enjoys in order to enroll in Lumberjack School.
Wanna see our shed?
I guess we'll be storing our lawnmower in the scary room, on top of the second-ass toilet, from now on.
Our neighbors also lost a tree. Remember how Tree #1 spared their swingset? Not so much the case this time around.
Dear Trees: Why do you hate us so? What have we done to you? We love trees. Really. My family and I take extraordinary efforts to save the trees. We're tree huggers, not tree fighters. I think you have us confused with the people across the street. They hate trees. They stomp baby saplings with steel-toed boots. Go bother them and spare us. Thank you.
Chloe has been doing her part to get the tree wreckage under control by doing some brush-clearing as only a Basset hound can do:
By grabbing branches between her teeth and shaking as hard as she can until they break off. Then she eats them. Good dog.
Really. I'm fine. Our house is unscathed, and the shed should be fine. From what we could see, the Adirondack chairs, kids picnic table, and tricycle buried under the wreckage are all intact. Had the tree fallen the opposite direction, it would have taken out all the power, cable, and phone lines. Again. We're really lucky to be in a warm house with working lights and furnace while so many people here are without. Again. We're lucky that our kiddo got cold by playing outside, not by simply sitting in her house:
However, it would be nice if she didn't have the sentence, "Another tree fell down in our yard" in her vocabulary.
I don't think there's any Screaming Trees on my iPod, which is too bad. They'd be a welcome addition to today's shuffle. Because I hear the trees screaming. I have a feeling I'm going to hear the trees screaming in my nightmares for a long, long time. Long after we've moved away from The Treehouse and into our concrete bunker on a concrete street.
1. Movies of Myself - Rufus Wainwright
2. Gunshy - Liz Phair
3. On the Road Again - Willie Nelson
4. Time on My Hands - Kate & Anna McGarrigle
5. Goodnight Sweetheart - Rufus Wainwright
6. Just to Satisfy You - Waylon Jennings
7. Good Times - INXS
8. Bad/Rolling Stones Medley - U2
9. Bring the Family - John Hiatt
10. Gun - Uncle Tupelo
Two Rufuses and a tune by his mom and his aunt? Had the shuffle also had anyting by his sis and pa, I would be in the yard, offering my iPod as a sacrifice to the trees.
Just so you know, it's okay if you laugh at all of this. You don't have to apologize if you find any of this funny. I want you to find it funny. Because if we can't life at crazy shit, what can we laugh at?
Posted by Robin at December 1, 2006 03:01 PM
Comments
I'm glad you mostly escaped the Wrath of the Giant Blue Dong. Now that shit's down here getting everything all cold when it was positively balmy all week. The gazillion trees in our yard are all still erect, though. (Insert obligatory beavis & butthead chortle here.)
My husband is obsessed with all things grunge-y, and the Screaming Trees are at the very top of his lurve list. He's way more into them than I am, but I have to admit that "Dust" may be one of the most underrated, undeservedly unknown records of the last decade.
Posted by: michelle/weaker vessel at December 1, 2006 04:57 PM
LOL! You crack me up...in a *good* way! We got the nasty weather here in Texas, but not nearly as bad as that..and you can dang tootin' know we didn't save the gravy ROFL!
Posted by: Coleen at December 1, 2006 05:53 PM
Alas and alack, we WERE some of the folks without power. It was an excellent excuse to walk up to Sameem and have lunch.
...I think this city is on a hell mouth...
Posted by: pharmgirl at December 1, 2006 06:12 PM
I hate to say it but the first photo of the tree is really lovely, even though it's all downed in your yard and all. And Coco in her winter gear? Does it get any cuter than that?? I didn't think so either.
Good to hear that you're all okay. Firewood for everyone!
Posted by: Exena at December 1, 2006 06:59 PM
Holy shit! That storm was hung!
Well thank goodness that you're safe and warm and God has spared your gravy. Those trees though. Yikes! Scary stuff.
Posted by: Dixie at December 1, 2006 07:01 PM
Yikes! That's a mighty scary penis we have hovering over us. I hate it when that happens.
I hope your trees start behaving and quit falling all over the place.
Posted by: Sharon G. at December 1, 2006 08:32 PM
Gravy?? Gravy?!
Are you sure it didn't say "life-sustaining perishable medications"? I lol picturing Deanne Lane delivering that line with a straight face.
Posted by: barbara at December 1, 2006 09:21 PM
Oh. My. God. You may have worse luck than I do! I guess I'm glad we skipped O'Hare yesterday.
This is terribly, dreadfully, sadly very funny.
I am glad you are all OK!
Posted by: Mrs. Chicken at December 1, 2006 09:43 PM
The gravy makes complete sense to me. What doesn't make any sense at all is why you would put milk, eggs and gravy in a cooler surrounded with ice when it's 30 degrees outside. Wouldn't you be just as good putting the cooler outside?
I'm sorry the big blue penis fucked you again. Glad you have power, though. We, for some reason, have power but no cell signal.
Posted by: Rachel at December 1, 2006 10:39 PM
what?!?! gravy ISN'T a staple? dang. home ec. served me ALL wrong! lol!!!! and the big blue penis! only on fox!
now the trees, the trees... i fear they're beyond screaming at this point. i imagine that they feel like smashing pumpkins. ;) aren't i clever?
the dumping of snow wasn't so bad out thisaway. my folks, on the other hand, are just now digging out of their driveway...
Posted by: kara joy at December 2, 2006 01:56 PM
Michelle - Heh heh. You said "erect".
I saw Screaming Trees in concert back in the day. Well, it was more like one day in 1993. Very good show. I've been meaning to check out there newer stuff.
Coleen, you didn't save the gravy?! My God, Woman! What about the chicken fried steak?!?!
Pharmgirl - mouth of hell. You nailed it. Totally and completely. I laughed so hard when I read your comment. Hope your lights are back on.
Exena, I'll be the first to admit that there are few things prettier than the aftermath of an ice storm. I wish I could get a decent picture of the ice-covered branches. The streets in our neighborhood are beautiful, aside from the carnage.
Barbara, I had envisoned Karen Foss delivering the urgent gravy warning. Either way. Now that you mention it, no mention of what to do with insulin in case of a power outage, but our gravy and chiffon pies are covered! I'll bet the local Red Cross chapters do entire training drills on the care and management of frozen custard in an emergency.
Mrs. Chicken, I'm pretty sure the cabinet that fell from your kitchen wall was made with wood from a tree that stood in my yard at some point.
Rachel, if I didn't have power, I'd certainly be stashing my gravy in my backyard. Except my dogs would eat it.
Kara Joy, smashing pumpkins ... you are too much! Glad you were mostly spared by the storm. My folks have a snow plow blade, so my dad's been out, playing Mr. Plow all weekend.
Posted by: Robin at December 3, 2006 08:59 PM
That looks f'ing cold.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at December 4, 2006 03:38 PM
