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December 15, 2006
Friday Shuffle - The Stupidest Question Ever Edition
I was feeling pretty darn good about myself this morning, what with my new bra, new jeans, and such. So good, in fact, that I decide to forgo my usual uniform - jeans, long-sleeved t-shirt, mascara, lip balm, and Mary Janes or driving mocs. Instead, I opted for my cute black smocked babydoll shirt and threw on my favorite red lipstick.
I love what having new bras and jeans does to me. It's not so much that my self-worth rides on how I look, but how much of my energy is freed when I'm not fussing with ill-fitting clothes that are falling apart. Don't get me started on this, but I do thing there's some truth to the notion that women have been held back for years because they're too distracted by all the silly stuff we do to make ourselves pretty. I believe this because I know how I feel when I'm not fighting with my clothes. I'm in a better mood. More content. Easier to deal with. I'm definitely more productive when I don't have to stop every five minutes to put a boob back in its cup. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit of validation when I find something comfortable and cute.
So Clara Jane and I ventured to Target, and I'm sure I was walking a bit taller. Not so much because I was feeling sassy, but because my new bra prevents my tits from resting on the handlebar of the cart. As we always do, we went to the snackbar for popcorn. It's one of my few junk food concessions - when we go to Target, Clara Jane gets a small bag of popcorn. She gets a special treat, and I get to shop relatively tantrum-free.
When the snack bar associate returned to the cash register with the popcorn, she looked me up and down and began to open her mouth. And for some reason, I knew something awful was going to come out. Like vomit, or a really stupid comment.
"Are you pregnant?"
Frankly, I would have preferred vomit.
I always figured that, when someone asked me this question - and it was always "when", because I knew it would happen sooner or later - I'd reply with, "No, Bitch. Are you?" Unfortunately, I was so taken aback that all I could do was laugh and say no.
At least she had the good sense to be embarrassed and apologize. She quickly changed the topic to Clara Jane. She apologized again as we left.
I didn't get my nose too bent out of shape. After all, I was the one who left the house in an empire-waisted shirt, and I do have a gut. But still. How is it that any woman in the world did not receive the well-circulated message that, unless you can see an infant dangling out of a woman's vagina, DON'T ASK IF SHE'S PREGNANT! If you have to ask, you don't really need to know. And if you do ask, you need to be punched in the neck.
The real kicker is, the whole time I was pregnant with Clara Jane, not one single stranger ever asked if I was pregnant. I never had to deal with strangers fondling my belly. Unfortunately, it seems I can look forward to my saggy, fetus-free gut getting felt up in my near future. Oh, I can't wait!
I'm going to take off my shoes, dig out my old maternity pants, and shuffle around the house. Then maybe I'll scream at the dogs, beg B. to make a Taco Bell run, and cry because the ceilings are too low in the living room. If people think I look pregnant, I'm going to take full advantage of the situation and act like it.
1. Black Math - White Stripes (a favorite when I was pregnant - even my iPod thinks I'm knocked up.)
2. Wasted Reprise - Pearl Jam
3. Further on Up the Road - Bruce Springsteen
4. Parakeet - REM
5. Live and Let Die - Guns n' Roses
6. Hallelujah Here She Comes - U2
7. Raven Dove - Dolly Parton (Of course Dolly's here, what with all the tit talk.)
8. Train - Uncle Tupelo
9. Extraordinary Girl - Green Day (thank you, Billie Joe)
10. Inside Job - Pearl Jam
Posted by Robin at December 15, 2006 03:30 PM
Comments
I got one of those comments at my niece's wedding. It was friend of my sister, who asked, "When are you due?" I was 45 at the time -- so I was doubly flabbergasted! So I replied, "Oh, I'm not pregnant; I'm just fat." That really shut her up!
Posted by: Bozoette Mary at December 15, 2006 04:04 PM
I inherited a potbelly from my mother, and even when I weighed 20 lbs less than I weigh now, I've been asked when I'm due, told "congratulations!" and asked if it's my first. I always laugh, "I'm not pregnant," and smile at their embarrasment. It actually doesn't bother me anymore, but c'mon, people. If they're not about to pop, don't assume.
Posted by: Lunasea at December 15, 2006 04:37 PM
I have never, ever been asked if I was pregnant. I must give off some vibe that says "If you ask and she says no she's going to slap you silly for your efforts.".
Dolly and I have the same birthday. I claim that's why I have a rack like hers.
Posted by: Dixie at December 15, 2006 04:42 PM
I'm still smiling from the phrase "Delicious Fat Girl" from the previous post...
I guess I've been lucky -- nobody asks if I'm pregnant, they just ask if I'm married or if I've got any kids. When I say no, they say "Oh, so that's why you have such risky hobbies."
Posted by: Debbie at December 15, 2006 04:46 PM
Now everyone just asks me when we are going to have another one. Not considering that perhaps this, too, is a loaded question. I look them straight in the eye and say, "I can't."
Posted by: liz at December 16, 2006 05:30 PM
How stupid can people be? Actually, on second thought, don't answer that!
Posted by: MommyWithAttitude at December 17, 2006 10:26 AM
Don't feel bad.... one of the girls from our playgroup asked me recently if I was pregnant too and I wasn't either. I don't talk to her anymore. :P
Posted by: Julie at December 17, 2006 01:37 PM
Oh, dear. That happened to my sister at her husband's company picnic once. She was devastated. Why are people's brains so seldom connected to their mouths. While I've never uttered the stupidest question ever, I have said some stupid things in my life. That's one I'm certain I'll never blurt, however.
I'll bet you looked adorable and all glowy, because up until that moment, you felt GOOD.
Posted by: Marijean at December 18, 2006 02:27 PM
Bozoette Mary - Excellent response!
Lunasea - I've seen photos of you and I'm stunned that anyone would mistake you for being pregnant!
Dixie - I think I have a rack like Dolly's because I worshipped her as a child and prayed to be just like her. Unfortunately, God only picked up on the parts about big boobs and hair and missed the musical talent part.
Debbie - "I have risky hobbies to irritate people like you."
Liz - Another good response. I hate the "When are you going to have another" question, too. I get that one a lot these days. I've been known to answer it by saying, "I labored enough for three with her. I'm done," or "I prefer to not go through suicidal postpartum depression twice, but thanks for asking!"
Julie - You?!?! Oh my God! You're a tiny wisp of a woman! That woman in your playground is either blind, stupid, or just mean.
Marijean - You're too sweet. I think I looked glowy because I was sweaty.
Posted by: Robin at December 18, 2006 02:33 PM
