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December 21, 2006

I'm Dreaming of a Dotty Christmas

  • My karma for making fun of my dad's vomiting style arrived today. Who knew karma had access to FedEx 2-Day? It arrived in the form of a puking Basset hound. It's all puke, all the time this week at poppymom.com! This was truly delightful. She was standing on the top step in the backyard - luckily - and horked over the side to the sidewalk one story below. It was very Keith Richards on the balcony at the The Riot House, circa 1974.
  • Unfortunately, puking is the sure-fire thing to set off a panic attack. I have no idea why. I've never known anyone - animal or human - who's died from vomitting. And yet, it freaks me out. I'm always weepy after an attack. While I tried to covertly cry in the car, Clara Jane looked in my direction and said, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy," and I completely died inside. I can live with a disease that sometimes makes me miserable, but I'm furious that it's doing this to my child. The fact that she hugged and kissed me as soon as I got her out of her carseat produced a guilt in me so crippling it felt like repeated crushing blows to my knees. Anyway...
  • On a happier note, I pulled my shit together and we continued Holiday Mania Week 2006 with a visit to the Gardenland Express at the Missouri Botanical Gardens. Clara Jane chose to view the exhibit of poinsettas and elaborate model trains like this: Naked
    Obviously, the strain of taking care of her mentally ill mother has led her into Girls Gone Wild territory already. Sad, really. But funny.

  • She lost interest in the trains pretty quick and kept asking, "When are we going to the Tobanitacal Gardens to see the roses and the glass and the hot jungle? She was a bit disappointed that the roses were gone and we didn't have time or tickets to catch the last of the Chihuly exhibit inside the Climatron, but she was content to run through the gutted rose garden under Chihuly's brilliant yellow sunbursts, which were perfect for a cold, gray panic day.
  • I'm better now. Really. I recovered from the panic attack by mid-afternoon. Even though the attacks occasionally come back, I do take heart in knowing that they're not even slightly as bad as they were two years ago. Two years ago, a day like today would have left me sick for a week. Now, I'm just a little tired and I know tomorrow will be fine.
  • I bought shoes today:
    My new Mary Jan Crocs

    Rubber nerd shoes. I don't care. I love them. I've resisted the allure of the Crocs for the same reasons why I refuse to wear sweat pants in public. However, I have flat, wide feet. Ridiculously flat feet. The idea of obtaining, say, an arch has never occured to my poor, stupid peds. How flat, you ask?
    The flatest foot ever.

    With feet like that, it's really stupid that I've resisted the draw of the Crocs for so long. But now I've succumb, since they've introduced a style that comes close to suiting me. And my word, they're comfortable. I want a pair of Crocs underwear, and maybe a Crocs bra.
  • Just to redeem a shred of my podiatrial dignity, here's proof that I haven't completely gone over to The Orthopedic Side:
    Proof that I still have cool shoes
  • You might notice that there's a pine needle in my cute Mary Jane, just waiting to jab me in the tender webbing between my toes. The same type of needle that caused the dog-barfing this morning, which is also the same type of needle that caused a rather disturbing cat poop incident on Monday. No more live trees. Ever. They just fall in the yard and disrupt all bodily functions. From here on out, we're a pink aluminum tree family.
  • I had to buy an $8 ball of yarn today just to knit the thumbs on a pair of Fetching I'm making for my granny's Christmas. I'm sure you can guess just how thrilled I was to drop $8 on a ball of yarn in which roughly a yard will be used. Maybe I'll use the rest to knit a slingshot.
  • I've had Uncle Tupelo moments at two different restaurants this week. Monday night, while dining at Fletcher's Kitchen & Tap, I spied every UT and Son Volt album covered framed and hanging on a wall. Today, while lunching at Iron Barley, I heard UT's live cover of CCR's "Suzy Q". Little things like that bring an astounding degree of giddiness to my everyday life.
  • I have so much damn Christmas shit to do. I have thumbs to knit, for Christ's sake. Literally.
  • I am completely, totally obsessed with the weird Brazillian song Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above, which cracks me up. Unless you're one of the 15 other people familiar with the defunct band Death From Above 1979, you probably won't get why I find this to be the funniest song ever in the history of the world. And that's fine. You're probably more mentally stable than me. But if you are one of those 15 people, just wait for what happens at 1:53 into the video. Riotous!

    • Posted by Robin at December 21, 2006 09:45 PM

    Comments

    Ahh yes puking pups...last Sat. my LITTLE dog Billie stole and ate 1 1/2 pounds of chocolate. She did survive, thank God, but the water drinking and resulting prodigous puking went on all night. Ohhh, the mess of it.

    Posted by: JO at December 21, 2006 11:23 PM

    I went to a Christmas party today and all of the women there had sexy, pointed shoes on. Except me. I wore my Danskos. And since it was at a winery, in a tasting room a good mile or so from civilization, and a torrential rain came in as the party was ending, who do you think was best off?

    Me. Me and my fucking clogs, that's who.

    Sorry, I'm a little bit drunky mcdrunkerson right now.

    Posted by: m at December 22, 2006 12:31 AM

    I have been reading your blog for a while now after finding it though a search for ginormous boulder holders. Reading your posts are part of my daliy routine and I think you are a fabulous writer. I like how frank you are about being a mom with panic attacks. I have three kids and your words are comforting. Thanks and I hope you holidays are wonderful

    Posted by: Lynette at December 22, 2006 07:22 AM

    Believe it or not, my feet are flatter than yours. They're so flat they roll inward. I've resisted crocs because they don't seem like they'd be comfortable for a flatfoot.

    Love the Converse.

    Posted by: Marijean at December 22, 2006 07:49 AM

    Today I'm going to Target to finish off my Christmas shopping. While there, I'm going to head to the checkout aisles Clara Jane style. I believe the red vests will get me through the lines a bit faster if my shirt is over my head...

    Posted by: Angie at December 22, 2006 08:06 AM

    You should have stopped over after Iron Barley! I would have shared my treasured Love My Goat red wine-just a nip, mind you.
    Maggie ate a butter wrapper yesterday. She usually just licks them, so maybe the stress of the holiday was wearing on her.
    She also ate all 4 pork chop bones last night, so I'm interested to see how her bowels will work today.
    Mary Janes are okay in all forms, be they Danskos or Crocs. They are the great mediator of shoes. The Jimmy Carter, if you will.
    Quilts! Next week!

    Posted by: allison at December 22, 2006 08:11 AM

    Use the rest of the yarn to knit me a coffee cup wrap/cozy...like the little sleeve they put on, but knitted. I want it to get cold (but not so cold that zippers must be zipped tightly) so that I can wear my booby scarf. I tried wearing it the other day, but felt silly when I didn't even need a jacket!

    Posted by: Jane at December 22, 2006 11:18 AM

    My feet aren't as flat as your but certainly as wide. The identical cousin thing just doesn't stop.

    Clara Jane's such a love. You're raising such a good hearted soul.

    You know balls of yarn just lay in wait to fuck you up. I've knitted Fetchings and had like three yards leftover, knitted them with the exact same yarn and had them run out at the last thumb. Try knitting a set of them after you do the thumb and you may have enough out of that ball you bought today to complete a whole pair.

    Posted by: Dixie at December 22, 2006 02:07 PM

    Jo, I would have lost my mind if my dog ate that much chocolate, even though I know that the chances of it being a serious problem are slim.

    M, you really should drunk comment more often. I enjoy it!

    Lynette, thanks so much for delurking! I really appreciate the compliments.

    Marijean, I've worn the Crocs all day today and have done a lot of walking. I was a bit skeptical about how they'd fair with flat feet. The verdict: awesome! It's 5:00 and my feet actually feel really good. The shoes are more lightweight than they look.

    Angie, I almost exposed my boobs at Target today. If anything, it made the line move slower.

    Allison, after Iron Barley I was wracking my brain, trying to remember which street you live on. If I'd known wine was involved... I hope the butter wrapper helped grease things along for Maggie. My cousin's dog recently ate a pound of butter, wrappers and all. Quilts! Still working on some details that it'll get to you soon.

    Jane, I'm using the extra yarn to make a boobieless scarf for Granny's birthday in January.

    Dixie, that Clara Jane certainly is a good kid. I just wish she didn't have to learn to be good-hearted because her mother's crazy and cries a lot. Glad to hear that the yarn issue with Fetching wasn't just me doing something squirrely. I finished the thumbs last night and they look lovely.

    Posted by: Robin at December 22, 2006 05:08 PM

    Its criminal how much I laugh at you! ;-) bwahahahahaha! I started at the shirt over the head, and continued all the way to the end.

    Posted by: ummagumma at December 22, 2006 06:27 PM

    Hold the mothertrucking presses... they make gator MARY JANES?!?!?!??!? Must. Acquire. Immediately.

    Happy Christmas to you and yours, girl. Your advice about boring being the only bad when it comes to music was sorely needed. The Uncle Tupelo bounty was also super-rad. :)

    Smooches,
    M.

    Posted by: michelle/weaker vessel at December 22, 2006 09:36 PM

    I want those shoes, I saw them at Nordstroms yesterday!!! I am jealous!!!!

    Posted by: Katrina at December 23, 2006 07:30 PM