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It wasn't even that I liked the songs. Well, I liked "Hey Ya". I knew that. The Darkness video always made me laugh, since it fits my sense of humor. Britney was good for some eye-rolling and righteous indignation. "Milkshake" just seemed appropriately ironic, considering the mammary horrofest that was occuring under my pajama top at the time. Each song provided me with something I needed at the time. The one big thing they all provided was distraction, which is woefully underrated sometimes.

They all also had at least one unforgettable hook: the screeching four beats repeated throughout "Toxic", the staticky, equally screeching beat in "Milkshake" followed by that earwig of a chorus, the falsetto chorus of "I Believe in a Thing Called Love", and damn near every single line and beat in "Hey Ya".

With the exception of "Hey Ya", I've heard little of any of these songs since Clara Jane was born. In the past few days, though, I've sought them out. I still can't get enough of "Hey Ya". "Toxic" and "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"? Eh. I'm over it. As for "Milkshake", I went so far as to purchase it from iTunes on Saturday night.

I want my 99 cents back.

I can tolerate a bad song. I can tolerate a sexist song if it has other redeeming factors. Like "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. The lyrics make the feminist in want to put on some testicle-kicking boots, but the first minute of that song? Pure rock and roll perfection. That lick, that beat, Brian Johnson's growl, "Knocking me out with those American thighs" ... that's their truth, and it's powerful enough to make damn near anyone stop what they're doing and listen. Even if it is stupid and sexist, it's powerful and listenable.

What I can't tolerate is a boring song. As much of an indie nerd as I can be at times, I've found it nearly impossible to embrace bands like Belle & Sebastian, Yo La Tengo, and such because I find them so damn dull. Likewise, there's some silly pop I really enjoy - songs like "Hollaback Girl" (which makes absolutely no sense at all and I'll give you a quarter if you can explain it to me) - just because they sound different, primal, and catchy. I'm a whore for a good hook.

"Milkshake" might possibly be the most stupefyingly, coma-inducing, drool-drippingly boring song in the history of the world. Having listened to it in its entirity once since purchasing it, I can honestly say that the entire three minutes and eleven seconds would have been better had it been nothing but the song's reprehensible hook - My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/and they're like, 'It's better than yours'/damn right, it's better than yours/I can teach you but I'll have to charge - repeated ad nauseum.

That's the thing. If you look at that list of 50 bad songs, they definitely suck. All of them. But there's not a boring one in the bunch. Even the list's Michael Bolton offering, which has every excuse to be just as narcolepsy-inducing as everything else he's ever done, is interesting because of it's oog factor. Michael Bolton wants to touch me, where? Oh my God! No! I can spend hours laughing about that, which gives a really awful, unlistenable song a bit of validation. Because let me tell you, there is nothing funnier than a really, really horrible song. If it's got a great hook, even better, because then it's suited for the best thing ever in the history of the world: bad dancing to shitty music, which completely explains the success of "Achy Breaky Heart".

Speaking of Michael Bolton, when I was in college one of my roommates snagged a huge Michael Bolton promotional poster from the trash at a record store. We hung it in our living room and when we were stressed, we would take it out on the poster via artwork. I can't remember everything we drew on that poster, I only remember my favorite thing: the large family of baby spiders, marching across Michael's vast, prairie-like forehead. We also enjoyed changing the lyrics to his remake of the Bee Gees' You Don't Know What It's Like to be about different venereal diseases. "You don't know what it's like/to love somebody/with The Clap". But I digress.

I guess the point I'm making is that boring music makes absolutely no contribution to the word, while there's plenty of horrible music that makes the world a better place simply by being interesting. And if you've made it this far, I have rewards for you:

Hey Ya, holidayfied.

The worst remake of one of the greatest songs in rock history, as well as one of the most abhorant music videos ever made. But interesting because 1) stellar guitar work by one of the greats, and 2) trainwreck!

The second worst video ever made. But again, interesting because of it's hooks (of course it's hooky - it's even in the band's name, for God's sake!), and the fact that the lady with the ass is being pursude by a cowboy-pirate.