« In Which I Force Myself to Have a Good, Gracious Attitude | Main | Friday Shuffle - The Girly Show Edition »
February 07, 2007
The Malaise! It's Finally Here!
Every January, The Malaise hits. It's not depression, it's just ... blah. My patience run short, everything's a hassle, nothing's fun. Granted, nothing is a serious crisis, but nothing's particularly great, either.
I thought I'd bypassed The Malaise this year. Turns out, it was lurking to strike a week late. Fucking bastard.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm feeling snitty. I'm having one of those blogging phases that always coincides with The Malaise in which I become convinced that the only people coming to my blog are spammers and people doing searches like "church's fried chicken tapes" (what?), "boy pea nose" (as a side dish with the Church's fried chicken?) and "puking bitch" (from Germany, no less).
I can't complain, mainly because I've sucked at keeping up with reading my favorite blogs of late, and I've sucked even more at leaving comments. Why should I expect others to do something I'm not even willing/able to do right now? Besides, Whimsical Woman publically professed her love for me over at Will Write for Chocolate, which my beleagured ego needed.
It's just been a rough week. It would be a rough week regardless, as it's the week I'm supposed to be having my period, were it not for the pleathora of medications I consume to stop the beast from charging. You see, periods make me crazy. Literally. Drugs help a bunch, but it's akin to holding your hand on top of a jack-in-the-box while still turning the crank. While the crazy clown might not be jumping out to eat your face, it's still in there somewhere, knocking around, wanting out, and just waiting for your hand to twitch so it can pop-goes-the-weasel on the delicate arteries in your neck.
In other words, I'm always a little more prone to anxiety during Week Four, which is this week.
I don't even want to go into the house shit. Still negotiating. You're sick of hearing about this, I know, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sick of talking about it.
Remember how Clara Jane was puking in the middle of the night? She was fine on Monday, aside from not having much appetite. No big deal, right? Who wants to eat after a night of vomiting and screaming?
Tuesday morning, she woke up just fine, asking for a popsicle for breakfast. "Popsicle" in our house really means "organic yogurt poured into popsicle molds to keep the child's ice cream back-monkey appeased in a healthful manner". So I gave her a popsicle (very typical breakfast around here) and a sippy of milk. While the popsicle melted, she guzzled the milk, asked for more, and slammed another 1/3 of a cup, never touching the food as she went about her business.
Twenty minutes later, I was on the phone with my mom while Clara Jane went about her business when she suddenly stopped, grabbed her mouth, and howled. I effectively hung up on my mom and grabbed my child, thinking the vomiting was about to commence. Instead, she told me, "I feel bad. I'm so sorry," several times before collapsing on my chest, glassy-eyed, mouth-breathing, not moving. I'm not sure why this occured to me, but when I laid her on my bed while I threw on clothes to rush her to the doctor, I gave her some diluted apple juice.
Five minutes later, she sat up, reading Alexander and the Wind-Up Mouse to me as if nothing had happened.
I don't think I've ever been that frightened in my life.
According to the doc, she has a mild stomach bug, which wasn't the problem. The lack of eating followed by the milk chug-a-lug, however, caused her blood sugar to plummet, which explains why she perked up after a few sips of juice. Feed her lots of protein, especially dairy protein - you know, like that yogurt pop we left melting on the couch for the dogs to eat - and she'll be fine. By the time we left, she was begging for turkey and cheese on wheat with squeeze yogurt and an apple at St. Louis Bread Company for lunch. Which she gobbled.
I can't complain. I'm so lucky that I have an amazingly healthy child. This is the third time in her nearly three years that she's required medical treatment beyond the regular check-ups. Which is good, considering her mother lasts no more than 23 minutes in any crisis situation.
If having a healthy kid isn't reason enough to not be malaised, the mail we had waiting when we got home from our impromptu outing should prove that we're too lucky to complain, even when we're not quite so lucky.
First, there was an envelope addressed to Clara Jane from my friend Stacey, who I haven't seen in ages. Specifically, it was from her six-year-old, Claire, who I don't think has seen Clara Jane since her Pekin, Illinois, Pukefest of October, 2005. Apparently, out of nowhere, Claire asked Stacey how to spell Clara Jane's name, then presented her with this piece of artwork with instructions to mail it, post-haste:
It's a picture of them, a sweet message of love, and some cash, which Claire said is "in case Clara Jane could use some money". We're going to give it to the bastards who are too cheap to sell their house to us. But I digress. How can one be malaised when something that sweet, loving, and gosh-durn cute shows up in the mail?
Oh, but that wasn't the only thing in the mail! Remember that sex toy party I attended last month? And how my iPod, Beatrice, was a filthy whore and demonstrated (not work-safe link!) the iBuzz. Obviously, I blogged about it, and if you read through the comments on that original post, you'll see an interesting one from a fellow named Richard.
Richard, as it happens, works for (also not work-safe) LoveHoney, the company that created the iBuzz. Being the wiseacre that I am, I sent him a cheeky email, asking what I was getting in return for all the free advertising for their product on my blog.
It arrived yesterday, which is really perverse when you consider where I had spent my day, and other parcel sharing a mailbox with my special, free delivery from the UK. I think it also officially makes me a whore.
I'll just say that LoveHoney makes it absolutely impossible to be malaised.
I'll also say that "London Calling" has always been in my top five albums. It's moved up to the top two.
And that's all I'm going to say, because now I have to wait for the call that my mother just keeled over with a heart attack from reading that. Which, of course, will bring back the malaise.
Posted by Robin at February 7, 2007 09:57 PM
Comments
I'm here! I'm reading and je t'adore! I get the malaise, which a friend blames on seasonal affective disorder but clearly for you it's more than that. I hope you have a brighter day today. Well. I'm sure you will with your, uh, new gadget.
Posted by: Marijean at February 8, 2007 06:15 AM
Yes, it has finally arrived. Richard, you are the coolest! :)
Sorry to hear that things have been yukky this week, but I'm so glad to hear that CJ is alright.
And Claire, such an awesome kid :)
Posted by: Exena at February 8, 2007 07:45 AM
Wow! that's quite the assortment of malaise-busting mail. Dang. Certainly better than the usual bills and junk mail!
Posted by: carrster at February 8, 2007 08:48 AM
I'm here, actually I come everyday, and if you haven't updated I get so sad. But thats just me. I love reading!
Posted by: Tiffany at February 8, 2007 12:30 PM
Reason #157 that Amy is not ready for kids: A child doing that glassy-eyed and not moving thing would have sent me into full panic mode. Thanks for keeping up the blog, through all this. Reading your stories make my veal-pen less grey!
Posted by: Amy in StL at February 8, 2007 01:15 PM
My first thought on following the iBuzz link: Why two bullets?
Quickly answered by the copy: one for me, one for a friend. Of course!
Hilarious. And proof of how truly I have embodied the role of provincial and naive Midwestern prude. Alas.
Posted by: Summer at February 8, 2007 02:59 PM
I am just getting back to reading blogs again after a long icky-semester-induced hiatus, and I SUCK at posting comments, but I am ever impressed at your ability to blog so well and as consistently as you do.
As for the drawing ~ I asked Claire about why their names are transposed, and I asked her about what the money was about, but I now notice I didn't ask about the weird symbols over both of their heads. I'm going to put on mommy goggles and call those scribbled designs halos, even if they do more closely resemble pentagrams. heh
Now if I could just figure out why, if you squint, it looks like Clara Jane and Claire are lifting barbells. heh. But don't worry, I'm sure the drawing isn't supposed to represent an invitation on Claire's part for Clara Jane to join her in making some side cash at a secret Fight Club for little girls in purple high heeled shoes. ;)
Posted by: Stace at February 8, 2007 03:07 PM
Thank goodness it's not just me with The Malaise. I'm to the point where I could be labeled "downright shiftless" and I'm about to start kicking some asses if I don't get some comments on my blog. I know it's bad when I start getting pissy over blog comments.
So an iBuzz can get me out of this funk, huh?
Posted by: Dixie at February 8, 2007 03:59 PM
I read your blog all of the time!!!! After typing all day at work, and then coming home to type for my never-ending quest for higher education, sometimes I just cant type anymore!!!
No matter how much you make me laugh!!!
I have not even contributed to my own blog since December.
I meant to comment how cute your scarf was the other day, and how cute the stuff you have been making is!!! But like I said....AHHHHHH TYPING!!!!!
Clara Jane must have some really good friends, I wish my friends would send me money, if I needed it or not. Of course I would want adult money...And lots of it. Maybe that is why no one offers :)
Hey, I get those mid-Winter blahs too. My solution this year is to run off somewhere sunny!!
Posted by: Katrina at February 8, 2007 05:38 PM
Delurking to say I need my real estate update fix (no, really!!) especially in the Malaise that is February. I too, check daily for your latest post to get a lift, and when i really need a chuckle, I go for the "shit mittens" post. My absolute favorite.
Posted by: christine at February 8, 2007 10:11 PM
I have to read your blog, it gets me out of whatever funk I am in. And now I have my coworker hooked on you. She's determined you need to write a book with your wit and sense of humor.
Glad Clara Jane is okay, I know that scared you out of your mind. The house will come thru.
Take it easy.
Cassie
Posted by: Cassie at February 9, 2007 09:35 AM
Delurking also to admit that my own malaise has caused me to eat microwave nachos for dinner three nights running.
But I'm here, a random reader who can't even remember how she found you, any more--I just keep coming back for more hilarity, and your excellent music tastes, and the occasional video clip of your daughter dancing. Keep posting, and good luck on the house hunt. (I'm in Seattle, where all decent real estate costs multiple limbs, several key molars and possibly a firstborn child, so I am sympathetic.)
Oh, and a nod to Katrina, above--if I ever have a band, I'm totally naming it Shit Mitten.
Posted by: Kim at February 9, 2007 07:17 PM
Hello...
I came here from a link on Dixie Peach's malaise post. I too am doing the malaise funk...it sucks, but it's there.
I like your blog - I hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll.
:)
Posted by: Hilda at February 12, 2007 10:18 PM
