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April 07, 2007
Friday(ish) Shuffle - The Good Friday Sausage on the Dashboard Edition
Of course I'm a day late. I'm always a day late with the shuffle when I'm in the hometown. It didn't help that I kept thinking yesterday was Saturday. Holidays confuse me. Especially this one.
Our travel plan didn't involve trains this time because 1) we had to bring our dogs with us, and 2) while in my hometown we were going to take advantage of cheap auto repair. The air conditioner in my truck recently croaked. Yes, I'm aware that many people in much warmer climates live without the luxury of air conditioning for their entire lives. I'm also aware of the dangers of Freon and the environment. But I'm also in constant danger of overheating and keeling over, something I'd prefer to not do while behind the wheel. I'm also lazy and spoiled.
Repairing the air conditioner in St. Louis? $800. We didn't spend that much to overhaul the air conditioner in our house last summer. Luckily, I come from one of those towns where just about every man knows how to rebuild a car from scratch. We bought the necessary parts and made an appointment with Bob, the 65-year-old, four-toothed race car driver who fixes cars for cheap. In this case, many hundreds of dollars less than we were going to pay at home. We had to be here by noon on Friday, though, because Bob's a busy man.
The original plan: Clara Jane would go to daycare on Thursday, as she always does. I'd spend the day spiffying the house for any weekend house-showings (in other words, cleaning fruitlessly) and packing. Around dinnertime, we'd drug Murphy with Dramamine, the drug recommended by her vet for the manic pants she gets when she travels, and then we'd hit the road. We'd arrive in my hometime in time for a decent bedtime, sleep in a bit on Friday morning before taking our truck to Bob and proceeding with our day.
What actually happened: Clara Jane woke up crying and covered in snot on Thursday morning, too listless to walk from her room to the living room. This child, who would go to daycare even if she had a finger dangling by a tendon, told me she didn't feel well enough to go to school. So I kept her home, which made the cleaning and packing difficult, especially when the diarrhea bombs hit. We opted to stay home, leaving early Friday morning, assuming nothing explosive was happening with our child by then.
Luckily, Clara Jane was much better Friday morning, thanks to a cough syrup-induced night of sleep. Yes, I resorted to drugging my child, since she hadn't had a decent night or nap in days because of her cough. I also resorted to drugging my dog, Murphy, as I mentioned before.
You know, I've always fallen a bit on the hippy all-natural school of thought when it comes to health care. But you know what? People used to get a lot sicker and die a lot faster back in the old days. Sometimes, you've gotta pull out the big guns. We celebrated Good Friday by living better through chemistry. Cough syrup for Clara Jane, Dramamine for Murphy, and my usual cocktail of antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs. It was a lovely drive. I think my entire family should stay lightly medicated at all times.
Of course, there are drawbacks. Like, several hours after dropping the truck with Bob, I remembered the sausage biscuit that we'd left on the dashboard of the truck. We were sitting at the local Greek restaurant with my parents when I realized this. Since Bob had warned us that it would probably be several days before he could fix it, I thought we should go get the meat biscuit.
"That's okay," my mom said. "Bob's probably eaten it by now. He's not picky."
As my dad tossed us his truck keys so we could go to Bob's and remove the sausage biscuit before being pegged as responsible for a large, four-toothed, 65-year-old race car driver's death from food-borne bacteria, Dad said, "Just be careful that you don't let Chiggar out."
No. Oh no.
Sure enough, while walking to my dad's truck, I saw the silhouette in the passenger seat, with those unmistakable pointy jackel-style ears.
I'm trapped in a truck with a dingo.
Riding around town with Chiggar's not quite as bad as I'd expected. For one thing, he had a tennis ball to keep him occupied. While throwing a ball for a wild dingo in a moving truck probably isn't that safe, it's certainly safer than having an unoccupied dingo trying to gnaw the driver's ear off. Lesser of two driving evils.
We probably shouldn't have taken him to the coffeehouse drive-thru for a double espresso, though. In hindsight, that was dumb. But we didn't feed him the sausage biscuit when we got it from our truck. Nor did B., the biscuit retriever, bother to throw it away. Hours later, I found it lying on my mom's kitchen counter.
I've heard of meals repeating on you, but this is ridiculous. I threw the damn thing away a good twelve hours after it was purchased.
My family's a bunch of blasphemers. Except for my granny, who was recently put in charge of her church's business affairs after the surprise departure of their preacher. They've been holding auditions for a new preacher, a sideshow I like to call Pentecostal Idol, which means my seat in Hell will have a busted seat warmer that will toast my skin for all eternity, much like my mom's heating pad that I unwillingly sat on for an hour last night before wondering why my back and ass were on fire.
Anyway, blasphemers. Our Easter celebration's today because we like to sleep in on Sundays. Soon I'll be making glittery eggs with my kid. Tonight, lots of people are coming over to stand outside in the freezing cold around a totally Pagan bonfire, upon which we will cook the speared, cured, tubular spiced flesh of pigs and Peeps, which will no doubt shuffle our innards as badly as Bob's, had he eaten the dashboard sausage.
1. Fairytale in the Supermarket - The Raincoats
2. It's Five o'Clock Somewhere - Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett (Because my iPod knows it's in my mother's house.)
3. Horn Intro - Modest Mouse
4. The Wanderer - Johnny Cash and U2 (Because God loves me even if I am a blasphemous sinner.)
5. Sabotage - Beastie Boys
6. Keep Your Head Up - Eagles of Death Metal
7. Pledging My Love - Aaron Neville
8. The Junky Jews - Clem Snide (Because my iPod has a weird sense of humor.)
9. Sangria Wine - Robert Earl Keen
10. Situation - Yaz (which is perfect for the naked Pagan dance I'm going to do either around the bonfire or for the next installment of Pentecostal Idol).
Posted by Robin at April 7, 2007 10:20 AM
Comments
My, oh my. Never a dull moment, huh? :) Hope you all have a great time tonight.
Posted by: Exena at April 7, 2007 01:01 PM
"That's okay," my mom said. "Bob's probably eaten it by now. He's not picky."
Oh how I love your mom.
Posted by: Dixie at April 7, 2007 03:13 PM
I'm listening to Robert Earl Keen right now. I'm so glad that he finally started touring in Missouri.
Posted by: Melissa at April 8, 2007 09:32 AM
There's never a dull moment. I want to come stay with you on holidays.
Cassie
Posted by: Cassie at April 9, 2007 09:47 AM
"I think my entire family should stay lightly medicated at all times."
And to that I say Amen sistah!!!
Posted by: Amy in StL at April 9, 2007 12:42 PM
"I think my entire family should stay lightly medicated at all times."
Hell, I think *everyone* should stay lightly medicated at all times.
Posted by: Hilda at April 9, 2007 03:26 PM
