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April 24, 2007
Today's Thoughts in Three Parts
Sometimes, my brain's too complex for mere dots.
Real Estate Crap
Four new reasons why I have to move as soon as possible:
1. It was about a year ago when our neighborhood 7-11 closed, prompting me to realize that this neighborhood is really going downshill and we need to move, pronto. Well, a new business is about to open in 7-11's old building. A liquor store.
2. The building that has been in progress a few blocks from our house for months? It's open. It's a no-name motel. Our neighborhood is near the airport, but not that near. In other words, this place will be a flophouse.
3. You know I like my neighbor across the street, despite her bad taste in pants and her penchant for leaving Christmas lights up until mid-March. Otherwise, she's nice. Really. But her new friendship with the creepy guy up the street bothers me. Now, I don't care about the nature of their relationship. I do care that they spend every single afternoon adding new fake animals, plastic plants, and whirlygigs to her front yard. This isn't helping my property value!
4. Remember Boy, my cute next-door neighbor? Well, he's not so cute now that he's hit the 'tween years. First, he chucked all of his stuffed animals into the backyard. For three weeks, I can't look outside without seeing dogs mauling a 1:12-scale stuffed version of the donkey from "Shrek". What's worse than that? Looking out my window this afternoon just in time to see Boy, blue Bic lighter in hand, preparing to burn his stuffed bunnies in effigy.
The house was viewed today. We'll see, as always. We also got feedback from the first people who viewed the house last week. Now, let me preface this by saying that the agent wasn't smart enough to figure out how to unlock our front door. I think she was disgruntled because of that and decided to take it out on us by calling our house "cluttered, dirty, dated, and highly unlikely to sell at this asking price."
I want to punch her in the face. She won't even see it coming because she's fucking blind. Our agent thinks this message is purely bullshit. Rather, he said that many people simply lack "imagination". He's nicer than I am.
I promised myself I wouldn't take it personally when people don't like our house. For the most part, I'm not. Another set of people looked at the house 15 minutes after the people who thought it was dirty and dated, and they loved it, except for the lack of garage. That, I don't take personally. But when I spend the whole week, nee, the past three months doing little more than cleaning and packing and trying to make this place presentable, you damn well better believe I take it personally when someone says shit like that.
Obviously, my psyche is going to take a beating until this house is gone.
Clara Jane
We've established that my kid's funny, right? If you need more proof, today, we were buying planters for the damn porch to make the house look, as Allison put it, "All welcoming and shit." While waiting in line, Clara Jane held one 6" pot to her ear, another to her mouth and yelled, "Hiddie-ho! Clara Jane speaking! Hello? HELLO?!" over and over and over.
This was funny, too, but hardly her fault. While the house was being shown we went out for a late lunch. She hadn't slept nearly enough last night, was eating far too late, and was ate up with the slappies, causing her to dance from the counter to our table and then to the drink bar. I think she was moving as much as possible so she wouldn't fall asleep standing up.
While I was filling my iced tea and Clara Jane was plie-ing and pirouetting, a woman jumped up from the opposite side of the restaurant and bounded to us in two or three strides. Tall, lithe, willowy and asking me, "Did she just come from a ballet class?"
"Um, no. She went to yoga class. Once."
The woman went on and on about how we need to get her into a dance class, pronto, because she shows real talent potential.
Real talent potential! Right there in the middle of Noodles & Co., hopping like a frog!
"I have three tutus," Clara Jane told the woman, apropos of nothing. I think the woman kind of wanted to kidnap her at that point.
All through lunch what did I hear? "Hey Mom? I'm a ballerina!" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she comes from the two longest family lines of poor grace and balance in the history of the world. Do I have to remind you about how I injured my ankle a few years back?
In other news, Clara Jane keeps blurring the gender roles, this time by stealing my jewels and accesorizing her rubber dinosaurs before sending them into loud, snarling dino-battle:
Books
I've written enough. Tomorrow, books. In the meantime, if you didn't do as I asked and visit all the bloggers I interviewed, at least go see The Cuz, making baby pteradactyl noises.
Posted by Robin at April 24, 2007 04:52 PM
Comments
"Clara Jane keeps blurring the gender roles, this time by stealing my jewels and accesorizing her rubber dinosaurs before sending them into loud, snarling dino-battle."
That is directly caused by her hanging out with pkb. I know it is.
I did as you directed and read the answers on everyone's blogs to the interview questions you asked. I damn near died at the baby-pterodactyl noise. Brilliance.
Posted by: Dixie at April 24, 2007 06:21 PM
Well despite the fact that I was shot down by you interviewing me I will say that the Dinos? Rock. Really they do.
Posted by: Tiffany at April 24, 2007 10:58 PM
While I don't have any cheap cialis to sell you, I am having real estate angst of my own.
I will agree with this: People do tend to lack imagination. You and I both live in houses that have our own stamp all over them. Potential buyers have a hard time seeing past things like my rusty coca cola sign hanging cutely in the bonus room. They want to see the Pottery Barn catalog. So that is what I am going to give 'em! Stage, stage, stage!
I plan to do the following when I finally try to sell my own crapshack.
1) Rent storage unit.
2) Pack up all personal photographs, knicknacks, and anything that doesn't look like it came out of a generic picture in the pottery barn catalog.
3) Pack up all non-seasonal clothes and pare wardrobe down to bare minimum so that closet looks completely neat and organized.
4) Ditto with dishes.
5) Put packed up crap in storage unit.
6) Sell house.
7) Unpack crap and enjoy individuality in new house.
It's a tough pill to swallow when you love to look at your See Rock City birdhouse on top of the teevee though.
I am sending you lots of good vibes. I want you to have the dreamhouse!
Posted by: Julie at April 25, 2007 01:54 PM
Hi Poppy (Robin),
I read your blog all the time...sometimes I check it more than once a day just to see if you have written. I love it! I feel like I know you so well. It's like one of those weird celebrity things where I worship you, but you don't know me. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I really, really appreciate your blog. You are awesome and you brighten my day. I know you get that a lot, but I also know that it is always nice to hear. Keep up the awesomeness!
Posted by: Rose at April 25, 2007 06:51 PM
