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June 08, 2007

Friday Shuffle - The Move to Stupidville, Population Me, Edition

Less than one week until we move.

Panic hasn't set in. Yet. Sentimentality hasn't set it. Yet. I'm not expecting it to. I've never been so unsentimental about a move in my entire life. And I get a little misty whenever I drive past every single place I've ever lived. Even the four-plex that was 3/4 crack addicts and 1/4 me.

The nearest "restaurant" - Sonic - was giving away free root beer floats last night. B. and Clara Jane made the trip up the block, but I passed in favor of getting a few more boxes packed.

That's right. I skipped one last opportunity to see my redneck neighbors, flocking for free crap, because I wanted to pack the bathroom. If I were an advertiser on this blog, I'd pull my ad in protest, especially in light of the number of braless women who were there. My sweet tight-panted neighbor at least stopped by while we were sitting on the stoop, eating our free crap. I can, at least, report that she was wearing a white spaghetti-strapped jumpsuit emblazened with brightly-colored rhombuses and other uncommon geometric shapes. She's nice. I'll miss her. A little. I'll definitely miss her outfits.

B. informed me that there were a lot of women, shaped similarly to me, at free root beer float night. Of course. Women shaped like me don't pass up free ice cream and root beer. He suggested that, even though free root beer float night is a rather informal affair, perhaps some of the full-bodied sisters might have at least considered putting on bras for the occasion.

I didn't bother to put on a bra while we sat on the stoop with our free crap. Let the floppy neighbors see me flop. For the only time in eight years, we fit in!

We have rarely sat on our stoop. That only happens if I'm throwing a party. The smokers migrate to the stoop, and pretty soon everyone else follows to see what kind of fun they're missing. I'm not sure why we sat out there last night. I got chewed to bits by mosquitos. But we did get to watch some hot dune buggy action. Not that I bothered to give the mosquitos a break long enough to go inside and get my camera. Sorry.

I've realized something, which is a big deal, considering what I realized: something about this move has turned me completely stupid. I don't know what kind of asbestos/lead paint/mold cocktail I've been inhaling while working in the basement, but it's having a negative affect. How else can you explain me, blindly turning down so many neighbor-mocking opportunities in one night?

There are other things, too. Like the root beer floats. B. only got the freebies for himself and me. Clara Jane had a little ice cream cone, because I'm militant about not giving this child soda.

But somehow, root beer with ice cream in it doesn't count. Because it has calcium. Yeah. And high fructose corn syrup. That sounds ... vegetably. Sure, she can have a slug of my float. And by "slug" I mean, "slurp down half the whole mess in one gulp".

Did I mention that Sonic uses the one brand of root beer that contains caffeine? It was a long night.

Yes, I've accidentally let my kid have caffeine twice this week. Stupid. I've gone completely, utterly stupid in a way that's caused me to forget my own self-imposed rules and regulations. It's also caused me to forget where, exactly, I live, and my phone number of the past five years.

Yesterday morning I sent an email to a bunch of friends, passing along the information regarding our move, including the new address and house phone number. I included a note that my cell phone number - the one I've had since 2002, when my phone played a MIDI of Weezer's "Hashpipe" every time it rang - would remain the same for a bit longer.

Within minutes I got an email from PKB that said, "Sister, that ain't your cell number!"

I'd given my home number instead.

It was a few hours later that I realized the new address I'd given was for a house a block away from my new one.

I no longer know how to feed my child. I no longer know my correct phone number. I certainly don't know where I live. I don't even know a prime blog fodder opportunity when it falls at my feet like so much melted root beer-flavored soft serve, flung about by a hyped-up three-year-old. I'm going to shuffle through this world, brain damaged and dull, with my hyper little root beer-addled child chained to my wrist.

We're going to fit in great in the new neighborhood! Wherever the hell it is. I forget.

1. Take it Easy (Love Nothing) - Bright Eyes
2. Pop a Top - Alan Jackson
3. Rockin' in the Free World (Fahrenheit 9/11 Mix) - Neil Young (which, had I not gone stupid, would have been the perfect song to blast during our stoop-sitting last night, as the dune buggy people do like our president a lot.)
4. Good Day - Paul Westerberg
5. A String to Your Heart - Jimmy Reed
6. Grand Illusion - Joan Osbourne
7. Sons & Daughters - The Decmberists
8. To Make Me Who I Am - Aaron Neville
9. Thursday - Morphine
10. Fire - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by Robin at June 8, 2007 08:20 AM

Comments

Thanks for the morning laugh. I missed Sonic last night, did they at least give away decent size root beer floats? Or was it sample size?

Posted by: Cassie at June 8, 2007 10:17 AM

Even though it's a happy move, moving is fucking stressful. You're entitled to a few blonde moments.

Perhaps you should conveniently forget to pack the scary clown? That would be some good forgetfulness.
And make sure the girls are secure when you're playing Tweedy stalkerazzi. We want to infiltrate their camp, not scare them ;)

Posted by: Exena at June 8, 2007 10:28 AM

I missed Sonic last night too -- I didn't see the ad until I was already home and not interested in leaving the house again.

Seems like I saw "10-oz size" on the bottom of the TV; I'd say that's a teaser, just enough to make me go ahead and order the big one. And some cheddar bites. And a couple corndogs too.

Posted by: Debbie at June 8, 2007 10:29 AM

Oh Sonic, I miss you so! The closest Sonic to Chicago is in CHAMPAIGN, so the only time I get my tots fix is when I visit my sister. Their banana pudding milkshake (with real 'nanas and Nilla wafers) is amazing. I want it served at my wedding, if I ever get married. Yum.

Sorry about the stupidity, cancer has done the same thing to me, and I'm not even the one who's sick. The last month is a blurr, and I can barely get through a phone call or email without going "wait, what?" I long for a day when I no longer sound like Jeff Spicoli.

Posted by: Meghan at June 8, 2007 10:30 AM

I'm sympathetic on the packing. We are getting new carpet in the whole damn house and I'm going through all the closets and tossing everything that's not imperative to our current life because dammit, I don't want to move it twice.

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So what you're saying is that I shouldn't have sent a male stripper as a housewarming gift to the address in the email? Oops.

Posted by: Rachel at June 8, 2007 01:20 PM

You know I need to make a trip home when your blog entry read to me like: "Blah blah blah blah Sonic blah blah blah blah blah Clara Jane blah blah blah blah Sonic Sonic Sonic blah blah blah pkb blah Sonic blah Sonic."

See? You should have included pictures. Of Sonic.

Posted by: Dixie at June 8, 2007 02:39 PM

Hey, don't feel too bad. The Stupidity is going around. Last night, I woke and stumbled to the bathroom in a sleepy stupor, sat down on the hotel toilet, and peed right through my underpants. I had forgotten I was wearing underpants, or had forgotten to pull them down, or some combination of the two, and I peed through them. Yes, peed right THROUGH my pink cotton underpants. Worse, I didn't even notice until it was time to finish the task. (Hello, Low Point. I've wondered what you'd look like.)

I should be thankful, I suppose, that I was, at least, sitting ON the toilet.

Good grief.

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