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June 25, 2007
Pee Shoes ... is Niiiiiice
For one of the first times since we moved, I left Clara Jane and B. home while I ran some errands by myself. Not that this was a big deal. It wasn't. I didn't get lost; you know how much time I spent in Prettytown before we moved. I know my way around. It was pleasant to have that solo time, even if it was just shopping, getting trapped in a bookstore in the pouring rain, and stopping for coffee.
But you also know that nothing in my world is that simple.
Sometimes wishes come true. When I decided to stop for coffee I was hoping my pal Raquel, she of the beautiful, newly-finished back tattoo that ended with a trip to the E.R., would be there. And as luck would have it, she was working behind the counter. Raquel makes a fantastic latte.
There were three other patrons in the coffeehouse, apparently regulars but this was my first encounter with them. The only way I can describe this trio sounds terrible. It really does. But there's no other way. What I walked into at the coffeehouse was a meeting of the Metro East Bosnian Borat Fan Club.
Two of the guys wore matching Borat t-shirts, possibly homemade, as I can't find the design on any of the umpteen bazillion websites selling Borat t-shirts. The third wore an obviously inaccurate "Made in Ireland" shirt and did a lot of muttering in my general direction while we were both at the counter.
After visiting with Raquel for awhile, Borat Shirt #1 waved in my direction and said, "Hey, Ma'am? Is Niiiiice."
And then he started doing the movie's dialogue from the beginning.
Before he could display his love of disco dancing I interjected, "You've seen 'Borat' a few times?"
He held up four fingers and continued his monologue.
I don't know how I feel about being hit on by three Bosnian Borat wannabes. Well, other than hysterical, because that's some funny shit right there. It's no secret that I attract unusual characters, but this gaggle might top the list. They're definitely up there with the homeless man who once told me, "I don't want no skinny girls. Gimme a gal like you!"
Anyway ...
When I got home, Clara Jane was napping. B. and I went about the usual business of trying to decrapify our new house.
As you might recall, I recently wore the same pair of shoes for well over a week because mine were in a hidden box, trapped in the garage. My shoes have since been recovered and all is well. Until today.
"Uh, Rob?" B. said. "I wasn't going to tell you this, but since your shoes are still in the sink I guess I should."
"What do you mean, my shoes are in the sink? Which shoes?"
"That pair you wear all the time. The black leather ones."
Seems that Clara Jane, the Potty Train Wiz-ard, was going commando, playing in the basement for a bit while I was gone. She yelled upstairs, "Daddy! I peed!" which you never want to hear. I mean, we just got the dogs to understand that this is their den and pissing on the floor is unnecessary.
The good news: there was nary a drop of child urine on the carpet.
The bad news, which you've probably already figured out: when Clara Jane peed, she happened to be straddling my shoes.
"It was just like those pictures you see of people drinking champagne out of shoes. Except it was a clunky shoe instead of a pump. And it was pee," B. explained.
For a moment, running off with the Bosnian Borat Cult didn't seem like such a bad idea. Pee in shoes? Not niiiiiiice.
Posted by Robin at June 25, 2007 12:06 AM
Comments
Tell me, Robin. Does the child still live?
Posted by: Rachel at June 25, 2007 02:04 AM
you're right...and i felt the same way trying to explain them as regulars to you and "i just had my nails done by the 'metro east asian rice burner club' and am now buying a latte" lady. glad you enjoyed your latte! i had fun hanging out...especially while getting paid!!! :)
Posted by: raquel at June 25, 2007 04:40 AM
Oscar peed in my bed. I think they do it to drive us insaaaaaaaaane! At least you have an excuse to buy some pretty new shoes now!
Posted by: sally at June 25, 2007 07:34 AM
I want to come where you are.
Posted by: Beqi at June 25, 2007 09:34 AM
I recall peeing in the cat's litter box when I was...3? 4?
I figured, if it's good enough for Youge (name of cat: "joe" in Polish, long story), it's good enough for me!
My mother disagreed with my thinking.
Posted by: allison at June 25, 2007 11:48 AM
Um, EW! Hey, at least you get to go shoe shopping!
Posted by: Amy in StL at June 25, 2007 01:55 PM
I had the "Borat" DVD in my hands for a good twenty minutes yesterday -- but I put it back to get "Idiocracy" instead. I guess I should be sure to get it next time. ;)
I was certainly puzzled reading that title and trying to figure out what "pee shoes" meant. Hee hee!!
Posted by: Debbie at June 25, 2007 03:23 PM
You're the one who showed her that bodily functions can be caught in normal household objects! Heh!
Posted by: Dixie at June 25, 2007 04:47 PM
We need pictures of these guys! :)
Posted by: Exena at June 26, 2007 09:06 PM
